*scroll down for hot updates. I would put them here but if you didn’t read the story yet then it’s a spoiler alert. P.S. Walter White dies*
You know what you don’t hear anymore?
“Write your Congressman!”
It was always about oil drilling or war bonds or some similarly meaningless issue. Apparently the Capitol consisted of a few representatives and an army of mail sorters, and people from around the country would pen stern and, in exceptional circumstances, congratulatory messages to their congressmen (and that one chick who voted against WWII). These were the days when sexts required a professional photographer and “anthrax” was something just the squares in science knew about.
Then at some point in recent history it became “call your Congressman!” Yeah, like your congressman has nothing better to do than to shoot the shit with you over the goddamn rotary-dial.
Obviously this strategy was short lived–there’s one woman at the Capitol Hill switchboard who has been there since 1953 and her rheumatoid arthritis and early-onset Parkinson’s put a crimp on how fast she can plug you into Representative Grifter’s office.
Now, you can tweet your Congressman. This scares many people and rightfully so–after all, Rep. Tony ViennaSausage could be on the other end and expect you to nipslip your way into conversing with him. “NO DICE”, says this constituent, who is likely tweeting in a tanktop as we speak.
Which brings me to this: I live in LA in Henry Waxman’s district. Outside of having a comical nose, Monseiur Tussaud and I have nothing in common, so I am essentially a valueless constituent to him.
But back in Fresno, I live between two representatives: Jeff Denham and Devin Nunes. They’re a pretty straightforward and straight-shooting tag-team of legislative liberal lambasters and I love them for it.
Which is why my tiny heart sank when my attention was brought to the following comments from Rep. Nunes:
Rep. Devin Nunes had some choice words to describe some of his Republican colleagues on Monday, referring to them as “Lemmings with suicide vests.”
“They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough,” said Nunes.
“You have this group saying somehow if you’re not with them, you’re with Obamcare. If you’re not with their plan — exactly what they want to do, you’re with Obamcare. It’s getting a little old.”
What the hell, Devin? I thought we were cool! Why you gotta go around and talk, for lack of a better term, shit?
I immediately tweeted Rep. Nunes and I’m eagerly awaiting a response. Maybe it was a misquote. Maybe it was explainable frustration.
Or maybe it’s indicative of deep-seated feelings that mean we have to look for Rep. Nunes’s replacement.
This is like when you finally visit the girl’s house who you’ve taken on a few dates and invited to your place and know all about her and have completely fallen for and you discover her cat-children–all 17 of them. It’s troubling and there’s little explanation unless they belong to her agoraphobic 70-year-old spinster duplex-mate.
But you see the kitty food bowls in the girl’s bedroom.
The cat hair coating any clothing a shade darker than Navajo white.
The “Have A Meowry Christmas!” photos on the wall.
It all looks dim.
Dimmer than your average congressional representative.
UPDATE: *bursts into empty room*
It’s been a few days and still no response from no-show Nunes, whom I politely tweeted again to no avail.
He did, however, release this response:
I wanted to share my views with you on the government shutdown. I strongly oppose ObamaCare, and I have voted to repeal or defund it around forty times. I also have argued that the Republicans’ current political strategy would result in a government shutdown but would not succeed in dismantling ObamaCare – essentially the worst of both worlds.
I will be discussing the shutdown today on America’s News HQ around 10:30 am PST and on Justice with Judge Jeanine around 6:25 pm PST – both on Fox News. For more information about my thoughts on this issue, please see the NewsMax article here, the Fresno Bee blogpost here, and my recent appearance on CNN here.
Translation: I fucked up and shouldn’t have called my colleagues “lemmings with suicide vests”. However, I refuse to man up and admit it and instead choose to hide behind a few articles I vaguely contributed to where I dodge the issue completely so I still get favorable media coverage. I promise I’m a conservative, now give me money because I’m running for re-election!
Is the Congressman blind to how his comments have been received? They’re nothing but automatic fodder used by the media to pummel his own side. They distract completely from Rep. Nunes’s ‘supposed’ stated goal: repealing Obamacare.
A smart man wouldn’t have said them in the first place. A man with a lapse in judgment would immediately apologize, retract, and explain.
A coward would run, hide, and distract.
Memo to Rep. Nunes: God hates a coward.