The 30 second rule is the only rule in life

Yes, my sausage sandwich fell on the floor.

Yes, I’m going to pick it up and eat it even though it was open-faced.

Look, floors ain’t clean, folks.

But they’re probably cleaner than my hands.

And I doubt every corner of this Starbucks is teeming with malaria or something (then again, it’s not exactly the Soweto Starbucks).

People who shout “FIVE SECOND RULE” disgust me. Usually they’re those EXXXTREME fratty types who want to show me just how hardcore they are by eating something that has literally come into infinitesimally-quick contact with a surface that isn’t a plate with pizza stains.

Listen guys, this ain’t Fear Factor. Your gravity-propelled Hot Pocket isn’t the same as eating a bowl full of maggots. When you decide to do that outside of initiation, then you can call yourself hardcore, bro.

I love when restaurants comp people for food they drop. I would likely abuse that, becoming complete butterfingers at Melisse or Nobu or something and then getting tons of food on the house.

zoidberg: the final chapter

I’m surprised people don’t spill more things. 9.8 m/s^2 is pretty fast folks. Enough to just let things…slip through your fingers.

There’s no weirder feeling than when something is spilled. It’s a combo of tragedy (NOT THE SPAGHETTINI!), regret (why, fingers, why do you FAIL me SO), relief (welp, guess I’m just officially incompetent and will have to hire someone to carry everything for me now), and satisfaction (fuck yeah, stick it to the MAN with his plates and clean floors).

And as a spectator? The responsibility is overwhelming. Either you can jeer (BUTTAHFINGAHS) or help (here, let me scoop that up for you) or stare (she just…broke the space-time continuum). I think it’s best to run from those situations. I’m not a fan of avoiding responsibility, but breaking into a dead sprint away from someone who lost the meatballs on their spaghetti plate sounds like a logical move.

Nobody noticed me drop my sausage sandwich, and nobody was available to give me looks of derision or flat-out panic. So I consider it a public service I was able to handle this situation effectively.

Everyone calm down.

I GOT this…

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