The only resolution worth making

Happy New Year’s everyone, I have a feeling most of our nights turned out the same.


Fans of this site *camera cuts to a solitary hobo jerking it in the back of a Carl’s Jr* will remember that three years ago I wrote a post about New Year’s resolutions.

It was ok.

But it’s 2017, Trump’s gonna be President, and I’ve learned a lot over the past three years.

he’s just so damn lovable

Upon reflection, I’ve noticed that I don’t remember much of the past year.

January 2016 seems simultaneously like it was yesterday and 30 years ago.

I know every day of the past year was obsessively documented, as those of you who follow me on Snapchat *camera cuts to the hobo again* know.

and with ridiculousness like this, why wouldn’t you? (@wyatt_tt)

But what was memorable? What actually counted?

Oh sure, there were the days when I did cool stuff like hike Runyon (ok, well, walk Runyon, the people who hike Runyon don’t take pictures) but the vast majority of days were disturbingly mundane, like rushing to Trader Joe’s at 9:48PM before closing to buy some bread so I didn’t die.



There were other days that just felt off, that always were justified later in the form of an excuse.

“I was in a weird mood all day” = “sorry for yelling at you and saying the woman who birthed you is literally Hitler”

“I didn’t sleep well last night, I was tired today” = “I stayed up until 3AM watching 90-Day Fiancee clips on YouTube autoplay”

“That [insert thing here] threw me off this morning” = “an expected and rather obvious outcome of something not done correctly yesterday caused someone else to point it out first thing this morning”

this is my new favorite show for so many reasons

There were 365 days last year and I’m pretty sure about 10% of them could be considered “good” days, 10% of them could be considered “bad” days, and the rest were just filler.

That’s a terrible record, and it’s so easy to see how it can happen.

First of all, the excuses to end all excuses: work.

Like a looming blimp ready to Hindenburg above you at any moment, it’s so easy to use work as an excuse.

Missed your goldfish’s Viking funeral? Work.

Don’t want to go out tonight? Sorry, got tons of work to do.

Picked up dinner at Carl’s Jr? Got back late from work, too tired to cook.

this is not sponsored content, but what’s wrong with the bottom bun here tho

That brings me to the second excuse: being tired.

Of those 80% of days of last year that were the equivalent of unflavored gelatin, I’m almost positive I was “tired” every one of them.

Partially because they have full episode recaps of 90 Day Fiancee on YouTube now.

Partially because the amount of coffee I consumed over the course of the day singlehandedly financed a Colombian drug war.

Partially because I allocated far too much effort to something that didn’t matter (getting to Trader Joe’s before 9:59) and not to things that actually did matter (lol work tho).

And then when it came time to do actual cool stuff (interact with other humans) I’m passing out on your couch and drooling on your crocheted pillows.

What do people who have actual problems do?

For example: someone who’s missing a leg. Do they make the same excuses I, myself, with two (gorgeous) legs would?

I’d guess probably not. I’ve never met an uncheerful amputee. I know I’d be an absolute monster, waving my fake leg at people and using it as a beer stein.


I guess people missing limbs are just happy to be alive, and that makes them more positive people.

I know that 10% of the days last year I was happy to be alive, 10% of the days I probably wished I was dead, and 80% of the days I don’t really remember how I felt but it was probably a progression of tired, irritable, on the upswing, anxious, on the downswing, tired, anxious, tired, sleep, with work sprinkled somewhere in there.

It’s such an easy rhythm to get into, and that’s the problem. The excuses of work and being tired are easy. Letting a whole week pass without anything memorable is easy.

The original sentiment of the above post was simple: why wait for a holiday to change your life?

I want to make every day count. Whether it’s doing something enjoyable, or memorable, or even something that’s a huge pain in the balls but is for positive benefit – there’s no reason to drift aimlessly from week to month to year.

I’ve got two (I can’t really overestimate how stunning they are) legs and dammit, I’m gonna hike Runyon.

Tomorrow, maybe.

or at least make it look like I did

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