The utter delightfulness of found cash

There really is no more awesome feeling than finding cash in your pocket. It’s like a little gift to yourself, that crumpled little wad of singles you probably swiped from the stripper’s g-string when she was getting motorboated by Fat Frank.

In fact, the only feeling that’s more awesome is finding money on the ground. Because then it’s basically manna from heaven (or it fell out of someone’s purse or pocket or something but they left this location like 5 hours ago and really don’t give a damn about the dollar with oil marks in the donut shop parking lot).

One time I found a 5-dollar bill, which was pretty much the best day of my life. I’m rather certain I’ve lost more than 5 dollars over the course of my life, but every cent towards the black counts.

trust no bitch

My hometown college football coach, according to his wife, used to be so obsessed with luck he’d only pick up heads-up pennies the week before the big game. Apparently if they were tails-up, it meant he’d get assassinated at a theatre or something, I don’t know, I never really thought that one through.

and then he said to me: “but mrs. lincoln…how was the play?”

There’s no more rich feeling than seeing a penny or a nickel (or for you trustfunders, a dime) on the ground and not picking it up, mentally thinking that the effort required to pick up that coin is more than the value of the coin.

I think I did that for a few months in college, but I felt like a huge douche making it rain (dropping 7 cents by accident out of my pocket) and then not picking it up, waiting for the peasants to collect it. After I got a job I would tilt my body 35 degrees towards the ground to ensure I found change.

Carrying around cash feels delightful. Carrying around coins feels cumbersome and street-pauperish. People give you strange looks when you come clanging down the street, noticeably stepping a few paces back in anticipation of nasty BO or solicitation for whatever’s in their pockets.

In these economic times, chances are that they’re gonna keep what they’ve got in there.

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