Congratulations to Pope Francis I. I’m sure it’s totally safe to have an Argentine in unusual clothing speak to a large group of fanatical people.
I’m not bitter. It just seems the College of Cardinals lost my application for popehood (popedom? popacity?)
I’ve reposted it here in case they change their mind:
Here are my qualifications:
• 1/4 Italian
• Can speak to large audiences
• Pro-life and traditional marriage
• Experience traveling in a Mercedes
• Own multiple badass cross necklaces
• Travel not a problem
• Multilingual (Spanish, Armenian, Pig Latin)
• Read a Children’s Illustrated Bible once
• Have a Catholic grandmother
• Really likes cool hats
• Disliked by children
• Not a quitter
• Proficient in Twitter
• Pretty sure the 3rd Secret at Fatima spoke about having a ginger pope
• Already have a name picked out: “Pope Magnum I”