The Middle Class is un-American

I read an article today saying that the phrase “the middle class” was only mentioned 3 times in the last Republican debate that inexplicably took place in front of Air Force One, which would be like the Pope giving his address in Washington this week in front of a decommissioned former Popemobile.

“can I catch a ride while the next guy’s on vacation?”

Imagine doing a job interview while standing in front of your dad’s first car.

Yes, it’s cool that the Reagan Library has the real Air Force One there. But you don’t see the President give a speech in the lobby of the National Archives to talk about the Second Amendment.

Mostly because it would give too much cover for a very broke Nicolas Cage to steal and later pawn the Declaration.

Do you know how much it costs to lease a fleet of Rolls-Royces?

watch out lady, nicolas cage might try to have sex with you!

Speaking of things that don’t matter to “the middle class”, the phrase was only said three…THREE times in the debate.

To be fair, that’s 3 more times than “the middle class” needed to be uttered. It’s said far too much and means far too little.

You know what hurts “the middle class”? Talking about “the middle class”.

I don’t want to talk about “the middle class”, or class in general. I don’t want to separate people into class. I don’t believe that to be a principle in line with the values of America. Our whole gig is not upward mobility – it’s the freedom to be upwardly mobile.

Or to not be!

Maybe you’re more concerned with your art than profiting from it.


You’re pursuing your American Dream – just like the guy staying extra hours at work to get a promotion to earn a manager’s salary by the end of the year.

The more you identify with a class, the more you give others the right to pigeonhole you in that class.

“We’re middle class”, “we’re lower-middle-class”, “we’re upper-middle-class”. You notice how rarely people try to claim that they’re lower class or upper class?

we laugh audibly at your poverty!

There’s a fear of identifying as poor or wealthy.

In fact, instead of “lower class” we use “working class”.

“We’re poor…but we’re working!”

Or the great “I come from a working class background”.

Nobody cops to coming from a “lazy non-working background”.

But looking at the welfare rolls, there’s gotta be a lot of lazy, non-working people to explain the stratospheric increase.

yeah but she can still get it

Like “middle class, “working class” is more of a Soviet idea than an American one.

We lionize an ideal of “middle-class”…why? So we create more taxpayers to subsidize more wasteful government projects?

If you want to work, work. If you don’t want to work, don’t work. We won’t subsidize you. If you can’t work, then we will subsidize you – but have a good reason for it.

Sounds a lot like school, right? We’re slowing down the smart kids to keep pace with the slower kids, we’re ignoring the slower kids because we have to move the whole class along, and everyone gets ignored as the train moves forward.

This isn’t how America is supposed to work. We created a new country to function with participation, not drone along like a complex machine that nobody quite understands how it works and is easily exploitable by anyone who’s clever enough.

When you look at the less-obvious internal versus the obvious reasons why the Soviet Union disintegrated, an ungovernable and unwieldy government combined with widespread and victimless, diffuse, endemic corruption are at the top of the list.

but you wouldn’t know it by their jaunty propaganda posters

One could argue that when government works effectively, it becomes far too susceptible for one person to control. But the real problem is that when it works ineffectively, it becomes far too easy for many people to exploit.

We’ve tried paying government workers more to lure them from the private sector. We’ve tried hiring a purposefully-diverse government workforce. All while blaming decentralization for inefficiencies.

When you have to wait for an answer from “the top”, that’s the largest inefficiency.

And is there anything less efficient than waiting for “answers” from a group of thirsties who want the top job?

except this guy, he’s fun

Republican Debate One – Liveblog

It’s time for a presidential debate!


Why is 2015 here already? Wasn’t it just 2012? Why do we have to do this crap all over again?

I used to like debates.  I used to like the fact that we could watch people actually go in-depth with issues and maybe, MAYBE…learn something.

But that doesn’t happen anymore.

It’s a couple of talking points and some boasts here in there and then we all have to sit around and pretend like we like this people better or worse based on their ability to bark out answers like dogs.

Dystopia aside, here’s my liveblog of this terrible event.

**I started late because I couldn’t get a halfazz decent liveblog feature going because the Fox one shut down, but thank goodness for

6:21 KASICH tie down his arms, he’s waving around like one of those inflatable car lot guys

6:25 TRUMP: “if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be talking about illegal immigration” he’s right you now

Each of these questions is carefully designed to bring out the worst moment of someone’s recent past that most people hit them over the head with and that’s smart.

6:34 CRUZ said “Washington Cartel”.  Drink.

6:36 MEGYN KELLY has makeup turned up to 11.  My God.  One more lash of mascara and she looks like a drag queen.

6:36 CHRISTIE “I was appointed attorney general September 10, 2001” CONSPIRACY *rings bell repeatedly

6:37 PAUL needs to take the volume down about 3 tones

CHRISTIE needs to go over and give PAUL a suplex

PAUL: “you gave Obama a hug!”

CHRISTIE “the hugs that I remember are the hugs I gave to families on September 11th”


6:40 CRUZ “Radical. Islamic. Terrorism.” was the worst of the Mission Impossible franchises imho

6:42 BUSH “knowing what we know now” is the stupidest thing you could say. You don’t back down from Iraq.  Your answer is weak.  You are weak.

“I called every one of them.  Every one of them I could find” –a few veteran’s families specifically hid from being called apparently.

6:44 CARSON sounds a lot less confident than when he has prepared remarks.  He sounds like he’s breaking a cancer diagnosis every single time.

6:50 TRUMP “I gave to Hillary and she came to my wedding” heheh that was good.

6:50 HUCKABEE needs to use a little Just for Men…

*side note: THIS LIVESTREAM SUCKS EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE* now back to your regular broadcasting

6:52 BUSH completely sidesteps the Common Core question talking about education in general.  Desperate.

6:53 RUBIO has enormous ears.  “Huge”, says Trump.

*commercial break*

Harlan Ullman, Senior Advisor of the Atlantic Council (whatever/whomever that is) is providing terrible advice via a sketchy Skype connection to the Sky News anchor.  This is the best we can do?  All he’s doing is moaning about “gotcha” questions.

7:00 I miss Herman Cain.

7:01 KASICH talking about balancing budgets.  Smart.  It’s his strength.

He also joins “America” with “miracle” to make “Amiracle”.

7:01 CARSON “IF Hillary is the candidate, which I doubt” ooh, catty

cites the Alinsky model, who’s one of those blond Russian models during the late 70s, I believe

7:03 BUSH why can’t he talk? Why is he stammering so much?

7:04 WALKER just finally, at long last, had a pretty decent and lucid statement about the economy.  He’s monotone and a little dull, but substantively he’s ok.

7:05 HUCKABEE has one eye on the streets, the other eye on the moderator

7:07 CHRISTIE shows he’s also capable of making a lucid, sober-minded statement about the economy.

Fair tax is a broad tax on consumption or a consumptive tax on broads?  Hey-o!

HUCKABEE sounds like a good preacher again.

CHRISTIE calls HUCKABEE to the mat on the “cut Congress pension” point.  Good talking point, doesn’t do crap in the long run.

HUCKABEE talks about “prostitutes, pimps, and drug dealers”, which was the ill-received sequel to Cher’s “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”.

7:10 TRUMP finally responds to the bankruptcy question and raises a good point about how bankruptcy laws are used by many, many major corporations to their advantage.  Explains every company in Atlantic City went bankrupt.

7:13 RUBIO has a nice suit.

Mentions Dodd-Frank — now briefly explain what it is for the audience  (most people have no clue).

7:15 FIORINA responds intelligently to the Iran Deal question.  After listening to his answer, no wonder PERRY lost.

7:16 WALKER’s response about tying a yellow band around a tree was a good speech story, bad debate anecdote.

7:17 HUCKABEE’s popularity is in that “trust but verify, trust but vilify” dyad of commentary.  That right there.  That’s what makes him popular.  That’s it.

7:23 BUSH says he created a “culture of life” in his state.  I created a “culture of life” once when I spit in a petri dish.

7:24 RUBIO gives a decent abortion answer tying it back to the Constitution.

7:25 TRUMP responds at least logically to changing his positions over time.  Tie it to Reagan, personal experience, etc.

BUSH backs down from calling Trump an “a**hole”.  So why did you say it?

TRUMP: “we don’t have time for tone.  we have to go out and get the job done”.  that’s a great, great point.

7:29 KASICH “of course I would love [my gay daughter] and I would accept them,” good.  let’s end the conversation there.  the “how would you not support marriage if your daughter blah blah” stuff is so overwrought.

“God gives me unconditional love and I’m going to give it to my family and friends and people around me.” also well spoken.

WALKER says something about something, I don’t know, he fades into the wallpaper.  He looks like the Pokemon that evolves into Santorum.

7:36 TRUMP “I would say [Obama’s] incompetent but I won’t say that because it’s not nice.”

TRUMP agreeing with the shout from the audience is a highlight.

“If Iran was a stock right now you should buy it cuz it will quadruple” is the TRUMPiest statement ever uttered.

7:38 CRUZ has good words but sounds like a weenie.

7:40 CARSON is lovable but I’m falling asleep when he talks.

Fox pulled the debate from Sky News.  Owned by the same company.  Jesus.


KASICH: I balanced the budget once.

CHRISTIE: My father was the first in his family to go to college.  I’m from Jersey.

RAND: I’ve been to many cities where black people live, end with slogan.

RUBIO: My family was born on the “island of Cuba” for you 7 people who didn’t know Cuba was an island, end with slogan.

CRUZ: Vote for me for Class President.  My father also left Cuba.

CARSON: I’m the only one to separate siamese twins. — yes he actually said that.  His half-a-brain line about Washington is the best one so far.  Where was this during the debate?

HUCKABEE: F*ck Trump, jk it’s about Hillary.

WALKER: I’m running for Class Treasurer.

BUSH: I don’t know when the primaries are.

TRUMP: “We can’t do anything right.”

Forget Gamergate, this is the REAL controversy

It’s been two weeks and no response from Trader Joe’s on their weird employee-unlocking-the-bathroom-door-and-walking-in-while-I’m-using-it-gate.

While everyone makes a big hoopla over some chick who slept with a Kotaku writer and how there’s a time-old tradition of the media being in bed (literally) with industry in exchange for favorable coverage, the real controversy is that Trader Joe’s has not responded to my message about what went down over their bathroom hijinks.

but what would #gamergate think about this?!

But the best response I got to it was as follows from “Zen”:

Let’s reflect: When you enter your favorite eating establishment or your favorite bar and you use the restroom, you enter a stall lined cavern. Each privacy stall is equipped with a lock. Is there also a lock on the main door? Please. Is that lock for you “the Prince of Bathrooms” to keep everyone else out? There is only to be a lock on the door when you enter a room with no privacy stalls surrounding the toilet.

You speak of legalities? You claim to be a “lawyer” in your bio? You should do your homework.

What should happen here is you should go apologize to everyone in that store for your lack of knowledge. I wonder how Trader Joe’s feels about you using images of their conglomerate and slandering them.

1) Like George Washington (or was it George Michael?) said, not all bathrooms are created equal. The one at TJ’s in particular has a stall with a small latch and an open urinal (what an ugly word) with a sink. It’s a one-person setup, and given the neighborhood, Trader Joe’s would probably appreciate not having two dudes in there at once.

2) I’m finally recognized as the “Prince of Bathrooms”, although I’d never take my throne because that’s just gross in a public bathroom and I’d have to have super-ebola to ever use it.

3) I claim to be a lawyer the same way Zen claims to be Zen.

4) You’re right. I should have gone to the manager and each of the cashiers and stockboys and apologized for not knowing it was ok for employees to unlock the bathroom door and barge in on someone else using it.

5) I don’t know how Trader Joe’s feels because they never responded. But they should feel comforted in the fact that through almost-daily purchases, I’ve individually bankrolled 85% of the next store Trader Joe’s opens in Southern California.

Anyway Zen, if you’re reading this, 10/10 would troll again.

I’d like to shake your hand and buy you a drink.

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis baby name revealed…

I’m not claiming credit for this, but

Mila and I would like to welcome Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world,” wrote Kutcher. “May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health, happiness, curiosity, and privacy.

Congratulations to the new family.

I met Ashton Kutcher when he first joined Two-and-a-Half Men and I had to deliver a Segway to the set for taping.

He was very intelligent, engaging, and polite, and joked about how the founder (well, actually, the guy who bought the company) died after falling off one of the machines.  I also helped John Cryer ride the machine I brought, and he was equally intelligent, engaging, and polite.

Well, crap.  My name went from being a last/family name to a boy’s name and now it’s a bona fide girl’s name.

Still, it’s nice to think that in a couple decades I can finally live my dream: marrying myself.


What’s the deal with ISIS?

I’m no expert on foreign policy.

I’ve been to Canada and Mexico and when they asked “business or pleasure” I never said business for 2 reasons:

  1. I was smuggling Beanie Babies out of Canada
  2. If I said I was going to Cabo for business they’d laugh and then detain me

Speaking of laughs, I’m not nearly witty enough to write for The Daily Show or Letterman.

After all, how many liner notes saying *mug for the camera* can a man write before losing his mind?

If this were a “Friends” episode, this would be “The One Where I Was Blocked By Mort From Bob’s Burgers”:

The facts: ISIS started in 1999, well before Bush/Cheney were even in office:

The Islamic State, still regularly described as ISIL, ISIS or Daʿesh, originated as Jama’at al-Tawhid wal-Jihad in 1999.

So did Bush create them before even winning the election?

That’d be a hell of a hat trick.

Ye Olde Trustye Wikipediae has this to say about Clinton and the War in Iraq:

The bombing campaign had been anticipated since February 1998 and incurred wide-ranging criticism and support, at home and abroad. It became one of the roots of the 2003 invasion of Iraq which resulted in the deposition of the Ba’athist Iraqi government.

So Clinton apologized, right?

“You know, if they hadn’t gone to war in Iraq, none of this would be happening,” Clinton said in an interview to be broadcast Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” referring to Cheney and former President George W. Bush’s administration, according to USA Today.

Of course.

If only he replaced “they” with “we”.

But remember, it depends on what the meaning of the word “is” is.

“Is” is.


We’re not prepared to invade Canada? THANKS OBAMA

With all the news this week about Iraq falling into civil war due to Obama withdrawing troops, thousands of illegal alien children crowding our southern border due to Obama promising amnesty, and the IRS “accidentally” destroying hard drives of emails showing they targeted political opponents at the Obama administration’s behest, one story has gotten completely lost in the shuffle:

We have no plan developed to invade Canada.

What the hell is wrong with the Pentagon? Do they just want to leave us completely open to attack?

It’s not like Canada hasn’t attacked before. Has anyone heard of something called the War of 1812?

A brief history of Maple-American relations:

The United States found cause to invade Canada in 1775 and 1812, then developed War Plan Red in the 1920s and 30s, which contemplated a potential invasion of Canada. And as recently as 1999, a bloody, near-apocalyptic (fictional) war with Canada broke out.

That 1999 war was the one in South Park, which Roll Call includes to show they have a sense of humor. REAL FUNNY, GUYS.


You know what’s not real funny?

Canadians invading our land, burning our cities, and fornicating with our women!

Now, not all of Canada is dangerous.

There’s a British part that’s completely docile. We’ve trained them well. They’re not gonna rock the boat.

But there’s an arrogant, poutine-eating, douche-dipped part of Canada called Quebec.

This little French (FRENCH!) enclave of Canada thinks it’s special. They want independence from the rest of Canada.

yay!  mediocrity!

It’s because of these people that everything you buy has a French translation. It’s required to do business there.

It costs Canadian taxpayers approximately $2.4 BILLION (with a “ILL”) per year to translate everything to French for their lower-IQ residents.

There are 6.69 million French Canadians.

For that price, Canada could buy each of them an iPhone with Google Translate, for moosesakes.

As anyone who works in the hospitality, tourism, or service industry knows, French Canadians are among the most difficult customers possible.

And as someone who worked in that industry, I can confirm that.

When I worked at Segway, French Canadians required extra employees on the floor. One in particular who came with his girlfriend spoke perfect English, yet faked that he couldn’t so I would just give up and let him ride his Segway around the store before the demonstration.

He fell and cut himself, humiliating himself in front of his admittedly-hot girlfriend.

These people are unreasonable and can’t be stopped.

And the Pentagon, OUR Pentagon, a 5-sided building that is apparently sentient, has absolutely no “plan on the shelf for the invasion of Canada”, according to General Martin E. Dempsey (who should be immediately fired).



Here’s what the State of the Union should have been

I wasn’t planning on watching the State of the Union this evening but every year I always do in the same way I don’t plan on drinking 3 sakebombs in a row on my birthday and then wonder how I woke up on the bathroom floor of the sushi bar.

The entire event is theatre. What was intended to be a written address to Congress outlining detailed policy proposals turned into a grand televised and streamed spectacle where you walk in and shake selected hands, the audience rises and falls depending on if they agree, and you’re allowed to bring a few people to point to in the audience next to your wife for maximum political impact. I mean, come on, what other speech could possibly be so important that if a bomb hits the building they leave someone out of the audience on purpose to keep the country going?

yes folks, we left this guy behind tonight.  the President’s got some huge, brass balls

The State of the Union is a speech that’s written for everyone to agree with. As a result, it’s meaningless. It’s not an instruction to Congress—it’s just a note saying “the kids are all right”. And it’s stupid they release it beforehand. If I was President, I’d spring it on people in real time. No teleprompter, one hand-written copy.

Ok maybe typed. I can’t read my own handwriting and I don’t want to embarrass myself on national TV (any more than I already would).


That’s a novel idea.

What’s stopping me from giving a State of the Union address someday?

Why don’t I just get elected President?

Such a speech would probably go just like this:

Good evening America and assembled Congress.

I am proud to report that our country is stable and healthy. While others around the world rise and fall, America remains eternally vibrant and strong.

The fact that we are not in consistent agreement on every matter is a good thing. I won’t take your time tonight to express platitudes that placate. If I wanted to be liked, I’d do stand-up.

Enough about me. This speech is not about me or what I would do. It’s about you. It’s about you contacting your member of Congress and advising them on how this country should run. No matter what happens, the power of this nation resides amongst its people.

I speak to a country that’s at a crossroads tonight.

Many issues face our nation. I’ll begin on the external front.

Our military is stationed around the world to act as a force of good amongst a troubled and dangerous globe. They perform a difficult task—the highest task—and we hold them in the highest gratitude for our service. As we begin to draw down current engagements, we must remind ourselves to engage in the interest of America, our interests, and our allies. And we must ensure our veterans are taken care of upon returning home. I ask that Congress fully funds the appropriate measures to revamp our system of veteran healthcare and transition into civilian life—so no hero is forgotten.

There exist governments around the world on nearly every continent that are in the business of systematically oppressing their people. North Korea. Iran. Venezuela. Zimbabwe. These governments have held onto power for too long. They have blood of innocents on their hands—and they insist on threatening America, our allies, our interests, and their neighbors.

Tonight, I’m announcing that the United States will support any and all legitimate efforts within our interests to begin the process of regime change in these countries. We will not allow countries in the 21st century to deny their citizens the basic rights that we enjoy—as humans and as Americans. To any evil empire that continues to denigrate its people: your days are numbered.

I ask Congress to fund appropriate measures to evaluate the democratic health of the aforementioned countries and any other nation that similarly violates human rights and dignity.

Terrorism is still a real global threat. From Chechnya to Gaza, Nairobi to New Delhi, Islamic extremists and evincers of the worst of humanity continue to wreak havoc and threaten global stability. We cannot—we will not—allow any individual or group—rogue or regime-supported—to snuff out innocent life.

I ask Congress to use all reasonable resource and collaboration to supporting the capture and elimination of these groups. We found and eliminated Osama bin Laden to the benefit of the world. It is not beyond the capability of us or our allies to snuff out any similar harbingers of evil.

The global economy is still reeling from the after-effects of recent events. We have all learned the lesson that we cannot spend money where none exists, borrow money to cover our losses, live outside of our reasonable means, and use government power to enrich corporate wealth. Charity begins at home.

I ask Congress to review the spending of each and every government agency—beginning with congressional and executive staff. I also ask Congress to begin a comprehensive review of every future liability and mandate—starting with Social Security. In a final request on this topic, I ask Congress to support the transition of Social Security and retirement programs for the next generation into private accounts tied directly to individual contribution. There is no reason why Americans should not be allowed to determine the course of their retirement. We cannot tax future generations—our children and grandchildren—into oblivion to fund our current generation. Our young generation should not be a bank—they should be our investment. I will address more reforms for the next generation later in this message. Acts like Medicare and Social Security designed in context decades in the past have run well beyond their intended means—to the point where they now burden and ignore those they are intended to help most.

One of these outdated ideas that has grown well beyond its means or intent is our tax code. Americans—families, small businesses, students, retirees—should be able to prepare their own taxes without outside assistance. We must create a new system of taxation—not based upon penalty, but based upon contribution.

Tonight, I ask Congress to eliminate the existing tax code, deductions included and replace it with a flat tax of 15% for individuals, small businesses, and corporations. Not only will our country receive record revenues, our businesses will be able to operate freely. We can foster a new generation of entrepreneurship, cementing America as the place to take innovative ideas and make them into reality.

Healthcare is a major struggle for many Americans. Our current system provides high-quality care—but at a premium many Americans cannot afford. Many young people don’t want healthcare and won’t pay for it as a result. They especially don’t want to pay for expensive plans that are forced to include conditions that either don’t affect them or they don’t need. Here’s how to lower healthcare costs: instead of restricting a young Californian to the choice of purchasing from just 5 providers in their state—allow them to purchase from across state lines. Knock down state barriers on healthcare and let companies compete. Let insurance providers offer a plan for a 30 year old (catastrophe coverage and yearly physicals), not a 70 year old (hospice care, gout, and dialysis). Give American universities an incentive to develop new, cost-effective treatments to replace expensive, increasingly-common ones.

I ask Congress to eliminate restrictions for all non-military government employees to obtain private insurance. I also ask Congress to allow Americans to purchase a la carte health insurance from the provider of their choice.

Returning to young Americans—we have an education system that is not hitting the mark. It is not the fault of our teachers or our students—it is the fault of onerous requirements and bureaucracy that our education system is not the force it once was. It is not too late. I ask Congress to encourage the Department of Education to decentralize and focus on a state-based education system—eliminating all federal curriculum requirements. We have 50 states in our great Union—50 laboratories for innovation. We want to inspire young people and teach them logic and values—not burden them with tests and reduce them to headcounts. We want to empower good teachers who love to teach—not reward incompetent administrators. Most importantly of all—we shouldn’t allow the government to make educational decisions for our families and young people. I ask Congress to empower families to choose the source of their child’s education—so we can create an educational system that becomes the envy of the world.

We are a nation of immigrants. We are also a nation of law-abiding citizens. We want to encourage the immigration of global citizens who bring hard work, values, and a love for our country to the table. We do not want to empower criminals, terrorists, lawbreakers, or those with a disdain for our country to enter. We also want to ensure that those being persecuted in their homeland have a safe shelter from tyrannical governments.

Therefore, I ask Congress to secure our borders and to overhaul our immigration system—to encourage innovators and the aspirational to come to America and stay—weaving another fiber into our rich American tapestry. I also ask Congress to ensure that those who have attempted to enter and become a part of our country legally take precedence over those who have not. Our modern-day Ellis Island immigrant is not a huddling mass, it is a highly-educated person who wishes to further their education at an American university. Let us not turn these people away from Liberty’s door.

As our hardworking immigrants show, America is a beacon of hope to a turbulent and troubled world. Our two-hundred-thirty-eight-year-old experiment in creating a representative government of the people, by the people, and for the people, ensuring the God-given rights of humanity, has succeeded. It is both humbling and awe-inspiring—and countries around the world continue to look towards our Constitution and system of government as inspiration.

Our strength lies not in the ability of our government to coerce or our physical might. It lies in a family that comes together every evening to share a meal. It lies in a young person taking care of his disabled sibling. It lies in a WWII veteran who travels each year to visit the memorials of his fallen comrades. It lies in a parent praying with their child before bed. It lies in our ability as Americans to meet every challenge, survive every obstacle, and persevere through every hardship.

May God bless you—and may God bless America.

I have to thank President Obama and the nice Republican lady with all the kids for speaking so poorly that they made me take notes on how to make my future State of the Union address that much better.

And time’s running out.  I only have 15 years to practice.

stages of wyatt3

Leave Aaron Schock Alone

Being a young, handsome member of a stuffy body full of saggy old farts isn’t easy.

Take Aaron Schock (R-IL) for example. The kid was elected to Congress at 28, making him the youngest member of that august legislature.

And since the day he was elected, he has gotten a metric shitton of shit. He’s been called stupid, inexperienced, and gay, despite the fact that he started his own IRA at 14, graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in just two years, was elected to school board president and the Illinois legislature at 23–the youngest to do both.

And as far as the 3rd charge is concerned: nobody has come forward with any proof that Aaron Schock is gay. None.

Every single public photo of the man has been analyzed more than the Zapruder film.

Exhibit A: The Preppy Luncheon

Schock is pictured here wearing not one, but *two* pastel colors.

The gays are up in arms. These people–the only people who have kept Fashion Police on the air, mind you–have crucified this man and hung him by his turquoise belt for good measure solely because of this outfit. Memo to the homos: pull up to a country club on a Saturday morning and I’ll bet you can count more men dressed like this than you’ve screwed through Grindr in the past week.

Exhibit B: The Workout Photos

Schock was profiled in Men’s Health because nobody gives a shit about Teddy Kennedy’s workout.

just scotch for me, the lady prefers hers on the rocks with a splash of water

The photos are your typical Men’s Health fare: a dude with a six pack working out:


i’ll pause and let my female and gay readers catch up 

There’s something cool about America that we can have a member of Congress who isn’t shaped like a potato.

Unfortunately, these provided more fodder for the grist mill, serving as fapping/bitching materiél for our more estrogen-fueled compadres.

Exhibit C: The Plaid Pants

This one’s a more recent entry posted on Schock’s FB page after meeting with a supporter.  If plaid pants are gay, then your grandpa is probably gay.

Exhibit D: The Pic That Started It All

The first in the canon of Schock photography, this was the photo that sent the homos humping away at the gates like a Westboro Baptist Church rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah.  Idk how laying back in a woman’s breasts while wearing swim trunks and a lascivious grin is proof of Schock being gay.

But, as the conspiracy is feverishly explained, he put this picture out there so you DON’T think he’s gay.


Here’s an idea: why don’t we take these conspiracy theorists and put them at Ground Zero with the World Trade Center conspiracy theorists and cover them with a thick layer of steel.  Then let’s crash a *flaming* jet fuel-soaked wrecking ball into the steel (let’s get Miley ON this people…) and see if it melts.

If it doesn’t melt–they were right!

If it does melt–they were wrong.

Either way, they will form a fine bouillabaisse of useless individuals that tend to make everyone’s lives and society as a whole a little worse.

And the final bit of evidence as the defense in this ridiculous case:

No amount of hush-money could be paid off to someone that has evidence of a gay hookup with a straight Republican congressman that couldn’t be matched or exceeded by TMZ, the Enquirer, the Democratic National Committee, or any other rich asshole.

Five years since the man took the oath of office and this is the best that the lynch mob can come up with:

here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let’s just say from Illinois, is gay… and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower… together. now they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. but there’s more. what if this congressman has also been caught by tmz cameras trolling gay bars.

Here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a group of catty gay journalists, livid at the fact that Schock is a handsome, successful, young rising Republican star who isn’t in favor of same-sex marriage and voted against ending DADT, decide to “out” him based on the evidence that…a “friend” saw him in the shower with a dude and “tmz cameras” caught him “trolling gay bars” despite the fact that TMZ has published no evidence of this and would make it a blaring headline feature in a Chicago minute if they even got a long-range-lens 8-bit Polaroid of him within 2 acres of a gay establishment?

Let me be perfectly clear: hounding a figure public or private about their sexuality is nearly as homophobic as physically assaulting a gay person.

That’s right folks: gay people can be homophobic.

The same people who’d be up in arms over Mathew Shepard’s murder and Alan Turing’s homosexuality conviction are perfectly fine harassing individuals that either A) disagree with them B) they want to fuck C) A and B.

Schock falls in the unfortunate position of C.  If he is gay, then the “anti-bullying” campaigners bullying him should be ashamed of themselves for forcing a man deeper into the closet–completely unaware that they too were likely once in the same position they’ve put him in.  If he isn’t gay, then the “anti-bullying” campaigners bullying him should be ashamed of themselves for  judging a man based on his choice of dress and personal characteristics–completely unaware that they too were likely once in the same position they’ve put him in.

Don’t believe me?  Check out what the founder of the celebrity-studded “It Gets Better” anti-bullying project had to say:

1. Get elected attacking gay people and support brutally homophobic policies once elected while also behaving in stereotypically gay ways?

2. Prepare to be hoisted by your own homophobic petard, asshole. No sympathy for those victimized by the homophobia they work to advance.

For those of you at home: Rep. Schock has not committed a single homophobic act.  Voting against same-sex marriage or DADT is not “brutally homophobic”–it’s what his constituency wants (in a state where civil unions equal to marriage is the law).

Physically threatening a sitting congressman who is private about his sexuality?

That’s brutally homophobic, asshole.

Referring back to the Sodom (named after sodomy) & Gomorrah (named after an even weirder move) story from earlier: allow me to be Lot.  Take my wife, please.  

And leave Aaron Schock alone.

How that chick who killed a lion trolled you all

There’s something gorgeous about a woman who hunts. It makes lots of beta males absolutely uncomfortable that a chick has subversively inverted their roles, despite the fact that the closest most betas come to a gun is in Call of Duty.

So when a picture of an easy-on-the-eyes young woman surfaced on the intertubes a few days ago standing over a lion she just shot in South Africa, beta males and lesser women (hard to tell the difference) were outraged, OUTRAGED I tell you!

pictured: our generation’s Eva Braun

Petitions were furiously typed with Cheeto-stained, chubby fingers, asking that hostess of “Winchester Deadly Passion” Melissa Bachman (the other Bachman) never be allowed to enter South Africa again. Of course, people followed with more fury, sending her death threats and claiming she should be killed, because that’s productive dialogue.

Elan Burman, the Cape Town resident who created the petition, had this to say: “She is an absolute contradiction to the culture of conservation this country prides itself on”, neglecting the fact that this is a “culture of conservation” that produced apartheid just two decades earlier.

South Africa: “we’ll conserve lions, but we’ll kill black people!”

Signatory Richard Robinson wrote, ‘You didn’t kill a lion, you stood behind a machine and pulled a little trigger, you pathetic, sad excuse of a human.’

Signatory Richard Robinson apparently has advanced dementia, because he doesn’t understand that she did, indeed, kill a lion.  Would he rather she stabbed the lion with a large knife, causing the lion to suffer?  Would he rather she pulled a big trigger?

Of course, no news story is complete without input from Buzzfeed (Reddit for the redditarded)

Their crackerjack contributor Matt Stopera says:


The lion she hunted was in an official game park in South Africa, so technically it was totally legal.

But for anyone who has been on safari in Africa, you know just how fucked up it is to kill a lion.

Right guys?  So fucked up!  Totally not as fucked up as all that other killing that goes on in Africa.

Then the article takes a left turn at Harare:

I spent a few days in Botswana last month with lion experts and filmmakers, Beverly and Dereck Joubert.

One thing that the Jouberts said to me that really stuck was, “Hunting a lion is the most cowardly thing you can do.”

So when Melissa Bachman posted that picture, I was very unimpressed. Also disgusted.

Somehow, this went from a “serious discussion about hunting lions” to “HAI GUYZ LET ME SHOW N TELL ABOUT MY TRIP TO AFRICA”

From spending some time on the safari, I also realized there were a few gaps in her story.

First off, “stalking” lions means you have a guide. That guide takes you out in a big van.

Noted hunting expert Matt Stopera helpfully describes that you have to take a van to go hunting in the wildnerness.

I was under the impression people rode penny farthing bikes.

Our guide’s name was James.

You find buffalo.

All of this is interspersed with photos of Matt’s guide and the buffalo they saw, officially making this the shittiest home movie in existence.

It’s not always buffalo, but generally the lions stay close to animals they’re hunting.

And BOOM. There’s a lion sitting in the shade. Relaxing.

You can almost smell the Serengeti.

Now for the lions themselves.
Here were three things I learned:
1. Lions are big cats (duh). They act like them too.
2. They just sleep and sit around all day, like cats.
3. Lions do not give a shit about you. They see you as that big van. They don’t mess with you.

It concerns me that our public education system produces people so stupid that they have to convince us that lions are cats and act like cats.

Anyone’s who’s owned a cat and knows how murderous they are with birds or small animals can easily imagine what they’d do if that bird was human sized and the cat was 30x larger as well.

But I’m relieved to know that lions don’t give a shit about me, just like how Matt Stopera doesn’t give a shit about the facts.

There was one instance when we were out with the lions and they sat next to our truck and used it as shade. They were literally three feet away from us.

Glad to see a photo of a greasy hipster posing in front of lions. Can I sue Buzzfeed for stealing away portions of my life?

Here a male lion is walking right next to the car I’m in.

And helpfully, Matt Stopera added arrows in the photo pointing at him and the lion, in case I could get confused between a liberal arts major and a four-legged carnivore.

Like, I am straight up chilling next to a pride of lions.

What the hell does this have to do with the chick who shot a lion again?

Still just sitting there. They aren’t moving.

Matt Stopera never studied physics, because the photo clearly shows the lions in motion.

We actually had to start the engine to startle them a bit so they would walk away from the shade of our truck.
Just to show you how incredibly difficult it is to hunt a lion…here’s a selfie I took next to one.

The lion is sleeping, and so am I.

Insomniacs: don’t refill your Seroquel prescription and read Matt Stopera’s inane ramblings instead. I will guarangoddamntee you’ll hit a pillow faster than Chris Brown hitting a conga line full of exes.

As you can see, the lion tried to run away from us.

JK, he fell asleep…

…and tried to block the light from his eyes.

Lions, like many cats, tend to be nocturnal and sleep during the day. If Matt Stopera gave a shit about actually learning biology, he’d tell you that.

To sum things up: Hunting a lion isn’t very hard. To kill a lion you have to be a coward.

To sum things up: clearly from the photo, Bachman shot the lion towards the end of the day. If she stalked it 60 yards, that means it was very much awake—just at the beginning of its usual hunting time.

To hide the facts, you have to be a coward *cough* Matt Stopera *cough*

The facts are this:

1) b…b…b…but lions are an endangered species! What she did was WRONG

While the African lion is rated “vulnerable” on the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s Red List, it is not officially an endangered species and hunting them is legal in a number of countries, including South Africa.

2) These evil hunters—they exploit South Africa!

Actually, these people boost South Africa’s economy—to the tune of millions of dollars: “In the 2010, hunting season, for which comprehensive information was available, total revenue of approximately R1.1-billion was generated by the local and trophy hunting industries collectively.”–South Africa’s Minister of Environmental Affairs, Edna Molewa.

3) These people are the opposite of conservation! They just come in and kill for fun!

“Statistics compiled in 2010 indicate that there are approximately 18 800 white rhino in South Africa and the number of white rhino has increased over tenfold since hunting and live-sales started” she reported.

Hunters—the real conservationists. Safaris for lion (where you go out but you’re not guaranteed an animal) range from $12,000 to $60,000. And hunts that are auctioned where you are guaranteed a lion cost into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. One lion killed can save dozens. And in fact, hunting tamps down on illegal poaching—by providing more oversight, a safer environment for the animals, and more enforcement efforts.

In fact, you can confidently say that Melissa Bachman, in paying to hunt this one lion, saved more lions than the collective efforts of the thousands of people who signed the petition to ban her for the country.

And that’s how this beautiful young lady and her trusted rifle trolled you all.

**Fun bonus update: some chick on my friends list posted this article on her news feed, then called me an “asshole” for disagreeing with her and blocked me. Check it out below!

**Super fun boner bonus update: unhinged chick gets more unhinged:

I love it when people claim that it’s ok for them to not be nice, and somehow I’m the asshole.

Why You’re Wrong About the Tea Party

I like the Tea Party.

*ducks tomatoes*

By the way, who decided that throwing tomatoes was okay?  I would’ve brought the damn coconuts.

Why is liking the Tea Party so taboo these days?  If I walked in the middle of Santa Monica and Robertson and shouted “I LIKE AIDS*” I’d probably get a less hateful and angry-glitter-filled (there’s two types of glitter, celebratory and angry–the angry kind is just crushed up Appletini glasses) response.

*I really don’t like AIDS.  Vote Wyatt 202_!

I went to the first West Coast Tea Party Rally in February 2009 on the Santa Monica Pier—right after the Wall Street bailouts, Obama’s inauguration, and a bruising election which deeply cut the country along economic, racial, and social lines like a sushi chef with Huntington’s.

Allow me to dispel some myths about the good Tea Party people:

1. It’s just a bunch of Republicans!

False. Nobody hates the Tea Party more than Republicans do. Example: “[h]opefully we’ll go into eight to 10 races and beat the snot out of them”. That came from former Rep. LaTourette of Ohio, a stalwart Republican (with the best last name ever). Large money Republican donors are sharpening their knives to do away with the Tea Party and anyone who claims to be a part of it. The movement has no political affiliation and is comprised of Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and unaffiliateds. Which takes me to number two:

2. It’s an actual political party!

False. It’s not a third party and it’s not some Ross Perot bullshit. The “Tea” part stands for Taxed Enough Already: T.E.A. (derp) The “Party” reference hails back to the Boston Tea Party of the American Revolution where colonists fought against high and indiscriminate taxation by the British Crown who needed to fund their thousands of wars against France (a good cause actually) and spandex tights budget (bad cause).

3. They call themselves “teabaggers”!

False. In case you didn’t know what teabagging is, it’s dragging your balls across someone’s mouth. (X-rated alert! Oh shit…too late).

The term “teabagging” was first used derogatorily by k.d. lang Rachel Maddow on MSNBC April 9, 2009, and Tea Partiers were similarly referred to as “teabaggers” by David Shuster on MSNBC April 13 2009. It was later used by Anderson Cooper who, when called out, claimed it was a “stupid, silly, one-line aside”, although we found out recently that he likely knows what it means.

4. They think Obama wasn’t born in America!

False. The whole “Obama was not born in America” meme was started by bitter Hillary Clinton supporters, who were flummoxed at her continued losses to this upstart young Senator from Illinois. These people are called “Birthers” because they claim a variety of conspiracy theories around Obama’s birth certificate (which absolutely checked out according to recent Governor of Hawaii, Linda Lingle, who is not an Obama supporter by any means and spoke at the Republican National Convention.) In fact, the idea of even questioning Obama’s background began in 2007, early in the election, by Clinton’s chief strategist, Mark Penn:

“All of these articles about his boyhood in Indonesia and his life in Hawaii are geared toward showing his background is diverse, multicultural and putting it in a new light. Save it for 2050. It also exposes a very strong weakness for him—his roots to basic American values and culture are at best limited. I cannot imagine America electing a president during a time of war who is not at his center fundamentally American in his thinking and his values. Every speech should contain the line that you were born in the middle of America to the middle class in the middle of the last century. And talk about the basic bargain as about [sic] the deeply American values you grew up with, learned as a child, and that drive you today. Let’s explicitly own ‘American’ in our programs, the speeches and the values. He doesn’t … Let’s add flag symbols to the backgrounds [of campaign events].”

In case that horrifies you (as it should), remember–that’s how political operatives and especially the Clintons talk and think of you, idiot voter.

5. They’re just a bunch of crazy Christians!

False. The movement is purely economic, based on the idea that we are taxed too much by a government that spends too much. In fact, in the speech that essentially started the Tea Party, CNBC contributor Rick Santelli called out those who got high-risk mortgages that they knew they’d foreclose on—which the taxpayer was now paying for.

6. They’re represented by FreedomWorks/Tea Party Express/Glenn Beck/etc!

False. Various people over the years have been trying to capitalize on this movement, co-opt them, and then impose their values. Dick Armey (teehee) of FreedomWorks is one of the most egregious examples of this. Don’t be fooled! If any organization claims to be “Tea Party” and then asks for donations, they’re full of shit. Consequently, any candidate who lists their affiliation as “Tea Party” deserves zero of your dollars (multiple impostors have been caught trying to do this, like Jon Ashjian in Nevada who was specifically entered into the race to split Armenian Republican Danny Tarkanian’s vote.  I sincerely hope there was an “Armenian Republican” standoff where garlic and Drakkar Noir were exchanged.)

7. They’re sexist/racist/homophobic!

False. Tea Party supporters are concered chiefly about high taxes—which affect all genders, families, and races equally—and gays even more so!

So why aren’t you a Tea Partier yet?

Despite the brisk February air, the sun was shining on that unique day on the Pier where I was welcomed by and introduced to a variety of diverse speakers who stood up and explained the costs of high taxes for our state and country, the drunken spending ways of Washington and Sacramento, and the fact that the new administration just doesn’t comprehend this fact—running on a high-tax, high-spend platform.

Four and a half years of President Obama and congressional toadies later, we’ve seen the effects of “hope” and “change”. Crony capitalism has been exposed, showing companies donating millions to politicians and the government in exchange for favorable policies (lest we forget, Wall Street donated more to Obama than any other candidate in history).

Many tax breaks, like that for payroll taxes, have been eliminated by Obama—automatically raising taxes on a large percentage of already-struggling American families. Our government has more than doubled its debt. Spending continues at reckless and dangerous levels, with stories dropping on the daily about hundreds of millions lost in failed solar investments, Mexican prostitution studies, cupcake shops, and a healthcare disaster that ironically (in the Alanis Morissette way–not ironic, just depressing) has caused many more to lose health insurance than get it.

you’re doin great, champ.  want a $200,000 cupcake?

These facts should divide us as a people against our arrogant, out-of-control government.

Instead we’re divided more than ever–our government, pro-government media, and businesses supported by the government want it that way. It’s not some vast conspiracy, it’s a clear crisis. Movements like Occupy consist of smelly douchebag losers who blithely dabble in anarchism and want to see the system fail to keep them from having to pay back their student loans. They’re part of the problem—and nobody fears them.  Guess what, misfits?  You’re not counterculture–you’re supporting the goals of The Man!

but I’d like to Occupy her Wall Street tho

Our government, as they’re supposed to, fears a peaceful uprising of the average American: economically-damaged for generations by record spending, debt, taxation, bailouts, and simple irresponsibility.  It’s a dereliction of the responsibility we entrust our elected officials with. These aren’t the people we wanted to elect—yet they’re the ones in office.

That’s what the Tea Party is about. It’s an American movement that has been hijacked, denigrated, and bastardized along the way by opportunists looking to ride a wave and fools who thing the government is doing fine ‘n’ dandy.

But the notion of an American government of the people, by the people, and for the people remains vibrant and eternal. We should never let the worst parts of our nature—irresponsibility, paranoia, and falsehood—overwhelm the best parts of our nature—accountability, brotherhood, and the relentless pursuit of truth.