Starbucks in LA is basically the caffeinated modern marketplace.
Rich, poor, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, every kind of person you can imagine goes to Starbucks.
You see it all: the homeless guy still asleep on the outdoor patio furniture, the old lady tutor puffing the e-cigarette, students working on last-minute projects, Kimora Lee Simmons, the senior citizen who ferociously occupies the same table, office workers happy to be away from their Mussolinian boss, everyone.
I happened to be there on a Sunday morning early (the heathen hour) and it was wonderful. I had a cup of coffee in hand, a disappearing hangover, and a table to myself.
When all of a sudden, I hear this gravelly voice speaking Spanish.
It didn’t sound like a human voice.
It sounded like an alien impersonating a human voice.
I looked around, concerned at this development (Zeta Reticulans had landed and chose THIS Starbucks to land at, why couldn’t they have chosen the shitty one on Montana without the deluxe Clover brewing system) and noticed that it was a dwarf.
whatever you do KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE CHILDRENS
She wasn’t a midget. At least I don’t think so. Midgets are cool. I put a midget on a Segway once and it was the greatest moment of my life (but that’s another story for another day. Now fetch me my pipe & slippers, knave!)
No, she was a dwarf. In stretched-to-the-limit leggings. Which makes me wonder if she bought children’s leggings and hoped they’d stretch or adult leggings and cut them down to size.
Anyway, I got back to my work but I kept hearing that haunting voice. It sounded like some sort of crypt keeper or when people talk in tongues at an Alabama revival. It sounded sinister.
She was drinking a Venti coffee (the really big one) and it was fascinating, I guess ordering a “Tall” was debasing or something.
Then…she stared at me.
Never has my soul felt more…threatened.
Those beady eyes, and that gravelly voice screeching out Spanish were too much to bear. I was convinced this was the Anti-Rapture or sumth.
save yourself
I had to leave.
Now normally, I don’t judge people.
But she just kept staring at me. Snatching away years of my life with a single glance. The burden became too much to bear.
I really hope she does parties, because I know a few people who really should have their s**t scared on their birthdays.