What do I deserve?
I think I have a weird tic for feeling like I don’t deserve things.
It could be as simple as not buying the nice bread at Trader Joe’s and getting the cheapest one. Not picking out the best slice of pie.
At times I’ve gone the complete opposite direction and overdone it. Whole bottle of wine? I *deserve* it. Going out when I have things to do? DESERVED.
It’s an exhausting back and forth that doesn’t have a clear end or goal in mind, but speaks to all aspects of me.
There’s a part of me that’s ascetic, that will sit on the hardwood floor and type this out before getting into the shower, that will forego breakfast.
There’s also a part of me that’s indulgent too, that’ll drive for miles to save 5 cents and satisfy in my own mind what’s good and right.
I’m afraid to change these aspects of myself because I’m afraid I’ll be changing an essential part of who I am. Even typing that down seems insane, but it’s true. I tell myself I have value because I can figure things out, I have self-control, I can save money, I can be right.
In reality, I’m probably fighting a Pyrrhic battle with myself to approximate enjoyment.
So when good things happen to me – I get a new car, job, love, whatever – after the five seconds of joy wear off I spiral into thinking how it could go wrong, how I don’t deserve this (what have *I* done that has any positive consequence on anyone’s life, what karmic benefit could *I* have effected?) and if I don’t manage to fuck it up immediately, I’ll probably fuck it up eventually.
It’s at this stage someone would probably tell me to not be so hard on myself, but I have to be. I’ve effectively removed everyone else from that responsibility, and now I’m basically running it like a bubble level on a Sybian.
Nobody said it was easy to stop myself from getting in the way of myself.
