Is there a protocol for addressing an old hookup in public?
Do you smile?
Divert your gaze?
Throw your hands up and flail while staring them directly in the eyes?
It depends on the regret you feel now.
For girls, there’s a 99% chance she regrets hooking up with you (even if she initiated it and was totally into it.)
That’s because girls *pulls down projection screen* have a *keeps yanking on projection screen* unique to them *rips projection screen from wall* Guilt Gland™ which makes them regret everything: that last pint of Ben and Jerry’s, every ex-boyfriend, making out with you in the Kmart bathroom, the pint of Ben and Jerry’s before that one, and calling Teresa a bitch (even though she, like, totally deserved it).
Guys are generally guilt-free unless she was a complete bowser, or if she was with your best friend.
So when I sat down at late night Starbucks to get some work done, imagine my surprise when I looked across the table and saw this crazy Indian girl I hooked up with.
I immediately had flashbacks of when she threw me against the hood of an Oldsmobile to make out, and later that evening tackled then straddled my best friend, breaking a futon in some stranger’s apartment.
Back to the Starbucks table: I chatted up her friend and she joined in, progressively staring at me more and more.
I ignored her and continued with my work, so she chatted up a dude next to me—a fellow ginger no less—and continued to look over and stare, occasionally readjusting her position at the table to push up her admittedly-ample cleavage.
And then the crazy started to leak out.
She kept acting more and more interested in the other ginger, who was trying to slowly exit the conversation. She kept saying how amazing it was that they had friends in common. She kept asking him about his hometown. The word “such a coincidence!” dripped from her lips as she leaned more and more in his direction, causing him to consistently retreat from the table.
I smelled two things: fear to my left, and desperation from across the table.
Also some BO, but it wasn’t me and it was probably the shirtless homeless guy who kept wandering in and talking about a train.
I went to get a tea refill, and just 3 minutes later he was gone. With a final stare, she left just moments later with her friend, loudly announcing how she was going to go meet some drunk friends and “catch up” to them while looking towards me once more.
To see her squirm was worth far more than the admission price of a tall Tazo tea.
Ahh, college. I REGRET NOTHING