One of the things I deeply admire about Ann Coulter is that she has one byline: “Author.”
It’s in her Twitter bio, and it’s so barnburningly succinct.
In an era when anyone and everyone is trying to be a “brand” or what have you, it’s good to see some people still focus on the “do” part of “what do you do”.
And as someone who’s been weirdly associated with politics since, well, since I read my first Coulter book about 15 years ago, I always imagined that could be me too someday.
“Author.”
Of course, you have to write a book first, and what a book idea I have.
A truly scathing polemic, a treatise railing against the political system in this country, a jeremiad of the people left behind by it. I’ll name names, I’ll spill tea, I’ll be dragged into a conference room where a team of attorneys goes line by line and asks at every name, “are they litigious?”
And all of that sturm-und-drang for what? For something that can’t be published so I’ll be forced to print it myself and whore them out by carefully placing a copy over my balls on OnlyFans?
As tempting as it is to send a book to subscribers at the $9.99/mo “shaft and more!” tier, it’s probably not gonna work.
Then scrolling through Twitter (the activity that keeps me from writing a book) I noticed yet another Trump tweet promoting a book by one of your garden variety Fox News conservatives. This time it was Pete Hegseth who’s done…something right wingy of note (idk, play baseball, started a fast food chain, merked Osama, they all run together in my mind) with his “fantastic new book”, imaginatively entitled “American Crusade”. After plugging Pete’s appearances (on Fox of course) Trump goes on to say “Get your copy today!”
Something clicked. A light went off. Or a bulb broke inside me, I don’t know.
I should abandon all principle and write something with the express purpose of getting Trump to tweet about it. It’d go to number one, just think of the huge week 1 Costco sales.
Imagine: a heavily photoshopped cover titled “AMERICA’S PROMISE” and it’s just me smothering someone to death off camera with a flag (paperback edition shows the full scene where I took “breath play for freedom” too far.)
Inside – each chapter starts out as generic conservative pablum but veers into rants and recipes eventually with a blank coloring section for kids.
If I played my cards right, it’s a really fun piece of outsider art that buys a house.
Otherwise, what’s the point of being an author?