Milestones are a strange reminder we’ve developed as part of our human experience to schedule out when we remember things. For painful memories it’s especially strange—why wait until one of these to notice a difference? I get uncomfortable when people talk about their parents—more specifically, their mom. Usually they make generic statements about how their…

I wasn’t planning on watching the State of the Union this evening but every year I always do in the same way I don’t plan on drinking 3 sakebombs in a row on my birthday and then wonder how I woke up on the bathroom floor of the sushi bar. The entire event is theatre.…

I wasn’t planning on watching the State of the Union this evening but every year I always do in the same way I don’t plan on drinking 3 sakebombs in a row on my birthday and then wonder how I woke up on the bathroom floor of the sushi bar. The entire event is theatre.…

I don’t go down easy. (Ahem…LADIES.) By that I mean, I don’t get sick that often, and thankfully *knocks on wood table so hard I break knuckle* my bones and everything are unbroken and unscathed. But this Monday has me rethinking all that. First, I was driving up to a 6-way stop sign. City planners…

Being a young, handsome member of a stuffy body full of saggy old farts isn’t easy. Take Aaron Schock (R-IL) for example. The kid was elected to Congress at 28, making him the youngest member of that august legislature. And since the day he was elected, he has gotten a metric shitton of shit. He’s…

Goodfellas is one of my favorite movies of all time. Casino is top ten. The scenes, the looks, the cars, the women, the drugs, the Italians, the DeNiro, the Pesci—they’re all top-notch. You don’t get bored watching these movies. You can’t. it even made chopping garlic exciting Each scene is a masterpiece.  Lorraine Bracco tucking…

Why can’t every day be like New Year’s Day? There’s no traffic, parking is free, everyone’s optimistic and relaxed, there’s football on TV, and that gentle morning tummy grumble from champagne and snacks. My resolution this year? To make all of you better people. And to start: New Year’s is stupid and so are you.…

Why can’t every day be like New Year’s Day? There’s no traffic, parking is free, everyone’s optimistic and relaxed, there’s football on TV, and that gentle morning tummy grumble from champagne and snacks. My resolution this year? To make all of you better people. And to start: New Year’s is stupid and so are you.…

Sometimes, you just need one thing you can’t find anywhere else. Today, this one thing was a zipper. It’s very simple. I had a zipper that broke off in my hand. Literally, the metal separated and it crumbled apart like a week-old cookie. “I can fix this!” I thought to myself, the beginning of every…

^even the world’s most beautiful woman can’t escape weave damage I don’t like getting haircuts because I don’t like having to wait a week for it to look its best and then watch it slowly decline til it resembles the yard of a Hoarder castmember. It’s a universal part of the first-world human condition to…