Category: Wyatt’s Words

There’s something gorgeous about a woman who hunts. It makes lots of beta males absolutely uncomfortable that a chick has subversively inverted their roles, despite the fact that the closest most betas come to a gun is in Call of Duty.

So when a picture of an easy-on-the-eyes young woman surfaced on the intertubes a few days ago standing over a lion she just shot in South Africa, beta males and lesser women (hard to tell the difference) were outraged, OUTRAGED I tell you!

pictured: our generation’s Eva Braun

Petitions were furiously typed with Cheeto-stained, chubby fingers, asking that hostess of “Winchester Deadly Passion” Melissa Bachman (the other Bachman) never be allowed to enter South Africa again. Of course, people followed with more fury, sending her death threats and claiming she should be killed, because that’s productive dialogue.

Elan Burman, the Cape Town resident who created the petition, had this to say: “She is an absolute contradiction to the culture of conservation this country prides itself on”, neglecting the fact that this is a “culture of conservation” that produced apartheid just two decades earlier.

South Africa: “we’ll conserve lions, but we’ll kill black people!”

Signatory Richard Robinson wrote, ‘You didn’t kill a lion, you stood behind a machine and pulled a little trigger, you pathetic, sad excuse of a human.’

Signatory Richard Robinson apparently has advanced dementia, because he doesn’t understand that she did, indeed, kill a lion.  Would he rather she stabbed the lion with a large knife, causing the lion to suffer?  Would he rather she pulled a big trigger?

Of course, no news story is complete without input from Buzzfeed (Reddit for the redditarded)

Their crackerjack contributor Matt Stopera says:

Yikes.

The lion she hunted was in an official game park in South Africa, so technically it was totally legal.

But for anyone who has been on safari in Africa, you know just how fucked up it is to kill a lion.

Right guys?  So fucked up!  Totally not as fucked up as all that other killing that goes on in Africa.

Then the article takes a left turn at Harare:

I spent a few days in Botswana last month with lion experts and filmmakers, Beverly and Dereck Joubert.

One thing that the Jouberts said to me that really stuck was, “Hunting a lion is the most cowardly thing you can do.”

So when Melissa Bachman posted that picture, I was very unimpressed. Also disgusted.

Somehow, this went from a “serious discussion about hunting lions” to “HAI GUYZ LET ME SHOW N TELL ABOUT MY TRIP TO AFRICA”

From spending some time on the safari, I also realized there were a few gaps in her story.

First off, “stalking” lions means you have a guide. That guide takes you out in a big van.

Noted hunting expert Matt Stopera helpfully describes that you have to take a van to go hunting in the wildnerness.

I was under the impression people rode penny farthing bikes.

Our guide’s name was James.

You find buffalo.

All of this is interspersed with photos of Matt’s guide and the buffalo they saw, officially making this the shittiest home movie in existence.

It’s not always buffalo, but generally the lions stay close to animals they’re hunting.

And BOOM. There’s a lion sitting in the shade. Relaxing.

You can almost smell the Serengeti.

Now for the lions themselves.
Here were three things I learned:
1. Lions are big cats (duh). They act like them too.
2. They just sleep and sit around all day, like cats.
3. Lions do not give a shit about you. They see you as that big van. They don’t mess with you.

It concerns me that our public education system produces people so stupid that they have to convince us that lions are cats and act like cats.

Anyone’s who’s owned a cat and knows how murderous they are with birds or small animals can easily imagine what they’d do if that bird was human sized and the cat was 30x larger as well.

But I’m relieved to know that lions don’t give a shit about me, just like how Matt Stopera doesn’t give a shit about the facts.

There was one instance when we were out with the lions and they sat next to our truck and used it as shade. They were literally three feet away from us.

Glad to see a photo of a greasy hipster posing in front of lions. Can I sue Buzzfeed for stealing away portions of my life?

Here a male lion is walking right next to the car I’m in.

And helpfully, Matt Stopera added arrows in the photo pointing at him and the lion, in case I could get confused between a liberal arts major and a four-legged carnivore.

Like, I am straight up chilling next to a pride of lions.

What the hell does this have to do with the chick who shot a lion again?

Still just sitting there. They aren’t moving.

Matt Stopera never studied physics, because the photo clearly shows the lions in motion.

We actually had to start the engine to startle them a bit so they would walk away from the shade of our truck.
Just to show you how incredibly difficult it is to hunt a lion…here’s a selfie I took next to one.

The lion is sleeping, and so am I.

Insomniacs: don’t refill your Seroquel prescription and read Matt Stopera’s inane ramblings instead. I will guarangoddamntee you’ll hit a pillow faster than Chris Brown hitting a conga line full of exes.

As you can see, the lion tried to run away from us.

JK, he fell asleep…

…and tried to block the light from his eyes.

Lions, like many cats, tend to be nocturnal and sleep during the day. If Matt Stopera gave a shit about actually learning biology, he’d tell you that.

To sum things up: Hunting a lion isn’t very hard. To kill a lion you have to be a coward.

To sum things up: clearly from the photo, Bachman shot the lion towards the end of the day. If she stalked it 60 yards, that means it was very much awake—just at the beginning of its usual hunting time.

To hide the facts, you have to be a coward *cough* Matt Stopera *cough*

The facts are this:

1) b…b…b…but lions are an endangered species! What she did was WRONG

While the African lion is rated “vulnerable” on the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s Red List, it is not officially an endangered species and hunting them is legal in a number of countries, including South Africa.

2) These evil hunters—they exploit South Africa!

Actually, these people boost South Africa’s economy—to the tune of millions of dollars: “In the 2010, hunting season, for which comprehensive information was available, total revenue of approximately R1.1-billion was generated by the local and trophy hunting industries collectively.”–South Africa’s Minister of Environmental Affairs, Edna Molewa.

3) These people are the opposite of conservation! They just come in and kill for fun!

“Statistics compiled in 2010 indicate that there are approximately 18 800 white rhino in South Africa and the number of white rhino has increased over tenfold since hunting and live-sales started” she reported.

Hunters—the real conservationists. Safaris for lion (where you go out but you’re not guaranteed an animal) range from $12,000 to $60,000. And hunts that are auctioned where you are guaranteed a lion cost into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. One lion killed can save dozens. And in fact, hunting tamps down on illegal poaching—by providing more oversight, a safer environment for the animals, and more enforcement efforts.

In fact, you can confidently say that Melissa Bachman, in paying to hunt this one lion, saved more lions than the collective efforts of the thousands of people who signed the petition to ban her for the country.

And that’s how this beautiful young lady and her trusted rifle trolled you all.

**Fun bonus update: some chick on my friends list posted this article on her news feed, then called me an “asshole” for disagreeing with her and blocked me. Check it out below!

**Super fun boner bonus update: unhinged chick gets more unhinged:

I love it when people claim that it’s ok for them to not be nice, and somehow I’m the asshole.

There’s something gorgeous about a woman who hunts. It makes lots of beta males absolutely uncomfortable that a chick has subversively inverted their roles, despite the fact that the closest most betas come to a gun is in Call of Duty.

So when a picture of an easy-on-the-eyes young woman surfaced on the intertubes a few days ago standing over a lion she just shot in South Africa, beta males and lesser women (hard to tell the difference) were outraged, OUTRAGED I tell you!

pictured: our generation’s Eva Braun

Petitions were furiously typed with Cheeto-stained, chubby fingers, asking that hostess of “Winchester Deadly Passion” Melissa Bachman (the other Bachman) never be allowed to enter South Africa again. Of course, people followed with more fury, sending her death threats and claiming she should be killed, because that’s productive dialogue.

Elan Burman, the Cape Town resident who created the petition, had this to say: “She is an absolute contradiction to the culture of conservation this country prides itself on”, neglecting the fact that this is a “culture of conservation” that produced apartheid just two decades earlier.

South Africa: “we’ll conserve lions, but we’ll kill black people!”

Signatory Richard Robinson wrote, ‘You didn’t kill a lion, you stood behind a machine and pulled a little trigger, you pathetic, sad excuse of a human.’

Signatory Richard Robinson apparently has advanced dementia, because he doesn’t understand that she did, indeed, kill a lion.  Would he rather she stabbed the lion with a large knife, causing the lion to suffer?  Would he rather she pulled a big trigger?

Of course, no news story is complete without input from Buzzfeed (Reddit for the redditarded)

Their crackerjack contributor Matt Stopera says:

Yikes.

The lion she hunted was in an official game park in South Africa, so technically it was totally legal.

But for anyone who has been on safari in Africa, you know just how fucked up it is to kill a lion.

Right guys?  So fucked up!  Totally not as fucked up as all that other killing that goes on in Africa.

Then the article takes a left turn at Harare:

I spent a few days in Botswana last month with lion experts and filmmakers, Beverly and Dereck Joubert.

One thing that the Jouberts said to me that really stuck was, “Hunting a lion is the most cowardly thing you can do.”

So when Melissa Bachman posted that picture, I was very unimpressed. Also disgusted.

Somehow, this went from a “serious discussion about hunting lions” to “HAI GUYZ LET ME SHOW N TELL ABOUT MY TRIP TO AFRICA”

From spending some time on the safari, I also realized there were a few gaps in her story.

First off, “stalking” lions means you have a guide. That guide takes you out in a big van.

Noted hunting expert Matt Stopera helpfully describes that you have to take a van to go hunting in the wildnerness.

I was under the impression people rode penny farthing bikes.

Our guide’s name was James.

You find buffalo.

All of this is interspersed with photos of Matt’s guide and the buffalo they saw, officially making this the shittiest home movie in existence.

It’s not always buffalo, but generally the lions stay close to animals they’re hunting.

And BOOM. There’s a lion sitting in the shade. Relaxing.

You can almost smell the Serengeti.

Now for the lions themselves.
Here were three things I learned:
1. Lions are big cats (duh). They act like them too.
2. They just sleep and sit around all day, like cats.
3. Lions do not give a shit about you. They see you as that big van. They don’t mess with you.

It concerns me that our public education system produces people so stupid that they have to convince us that lions are cats and act like cats.

Anyone’s who’s owned a cat and knows how murderous they are with birds or small animals can easily imagine what they’d do if that bird was human sized and the cat was 30x larger as well.

But I’m relieved to know that lions don’t give a shit about me, just like how Matt Stopera doesn’t give a shit about the facts.

There was one instance when we were out with the lions and they sat next to our truck and used it as shade. They were literally three feet away from us.

Glad to see a photo of a greasy hipster posing in front of lions. Can I sue Buzzfeed for stealing away portions of my life?

Here a male lion is walking right next to the car I’m in.

And helpfully, Matt Stopera added arrows in the photo pointing at him and the lion, in case I could get confused between a liberal arts major and a four-legged carnivore.

Like, I am straight up chilling next to a pride of lions.

What the hell does this have to do with the chick who shot a lion again?

Still just sitting there. They aren’t moving.

Matt Stopera never studied physics, because the photo clearly shows the lions in motion.

We actually had to start the engine to startle them a bit so they would walk away from the shade of our truck.
Just to show you how incredibly difficult it is to hunt a lion…here’s a selfie I took next to one.

The lion is sleeping, and so am I.

Insomniacs: don’t refill your Seroquel prescription and read Matt Stopera’s inane ramblings instead. I will guarangoddamntee you’ll hit a pillow faster than Chris Brown hitting a conga line full of exes.

As you can see, the lion tried to run away from us.

JK, he fell asleep…

…and tried to block the light from his eyes.

Lions, like many cats, tend to be nocturnal and sleep during the day. If Matt Stopera gave a shit about actually learning biology, he’d tell you that.

To sum things up: Hunting a lion isn’t very hard. To kill a lion you have to be a coward.

To sum things up: clearly from the photo, Bachman shot the lion towards the end of the day. If she stalked it 60 yards, that means it was very much awake—just at the beginning of its usual hunting time.

To hide the facts, you have to be a coward *cough* Matt Stopera *cough*

The facts are this:

1) b…b…b…but lions are an endangered species! What she did was WRONG

While the African lion is rated “vulnerable” on the International Union for Conservation of Nature’s Red List, it is not officially an endangered species and hunting them is legal in a number of countries, including South Africa.

2) These evil hunters—they exploit South Africa!

Actually, these people boost South Africa’s economy—to the tune of millions of dollars: “In the 2010, hunting season, for which comprehensive information was available, total revenue of approximately R1.1-billion was generated by the local and trophy hunting industries collectively.”–South Africa’s Minister of Environmental Affairs, Edna Molewa.

3) These people are the opposite of conservation! They just come in and kill for fun!

“Statistics compiled in 2010 indicate that there are approximately 18 800 white rhino in South Africa and the number of white rhino has increased over tenfold since hunting and live-sales started” she reported.

Hunters—the real conservationists. Safaris for lion (where you go out but you’re not guaranteed an animal) range from $12,000 to $60,000. And hunts that are auctioned where you are guaranteed a lion cost into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. One lion killed can save dozens. And in fact, hunting tamps down on illegal poaching—by providing more oversight, a safer environment for the animals, and more enforcement efforts.

In fact, you can confidently say that Melissa Bachman, in paying to hunt this one lion, saved more lions than the collective efforts of the thousands of people who signed the petition to ban her for the country.

And that’s how this beautiful young lady and her trusted rifle trolled you all.

**Fun bonus update: some chick on my friends list posted this article on her news feed, then called me an “asshole” for disagreeing with her and blocked me. Check it out below!

**Super fun boner bonus update: unhinged chick gets more unhinged:

I love it when people claim that it’s ok for them to not be nice, and somehow I’m the asshole.

Pretty sure I’m the bastard love child of Sheila and Debbie…

Somehow, my favorite foods are consistently associated with sickness.

Ginger ale…the airplane staple? Probably one of my favorite drinks, and one used to quell the wretches.

Saltine crackers…the soup consigliore? The perfect snack, and also a staple for stomach flu sufferers.

Chicken noodle soup…the broth of barons? A sublime soup, and also used for every cough, runny nose, itchy throat, and every godawful symptom this side of yellow fever.

So somehow, all these delicious food staples are associated with severe illness. I also find them freaking delicious, and get weird looks from people when I order them.

“oh…are you…SICK?!” they say, accusatorily, as if I was Patient Zero or something.

don’t mind me, just throwin some shade

No…I just happen to love carbonated ginger, carbohydrates & salt, and chicken soup with carb noodles.

Basically, I love carbs.

Suck it, Atkins!

Somehow, my favorite foods are consistently associated with sickness.

Ginger ale…the airplane staple? Probably one of my favorite drinks, and one used to quell the wretches.

Saltine crackers…the soup consigliore? The perfect snack, and also a staple for stomach flu sufferers.

Chicken noodle soup…the broth of barons? A sublime soup, and also used for every cough, runny nose, itchy throat, and every godawful symptom this side of yellow fever.

So somehow, all these delicious food staples are associated with severe illness. I also find them freaking delicious, and get weird looks from people when I order them.

“oh…are you…SICK?!” they say, accusatorily, as if I was Patient Zero or something.

don’t mind me, just throwin some shade

No…I just happen to love carbonated ginger, carbohydrates & salt, and chicken soup with carb noodles.

Basically, I love carbs.

Suck it, Atkins!

I like the Tea Party.

*ducks tomatoes*

By the way, who decided that throwing tomatoes was okay?  I would’ve brought the damn coconuts.

Why is liking the Tea Party so taboo these days?  If I walked in the middle of Santa Monica and Robertson and shouted “I LIKE AIDS*” I’d probably get a less hateful and angry-glitter-filled (there’s two types of glitter, celebratory and angry–the angry kind is just crushed up Appletini glasses) response.

*I really don’t like AIDS.  Vote Wyatt 202_!

I went to the first West Coast Tea Party Rally in February 2009 on the Santa Monica Pier—right after the Wall Street bailouts, Obama’s inauguration, and a bruising election which deeply cut the country along economic, racial, and social lines like a sushi chef with Huntington’s.

Allow me to dispel some myths about the good Tea Party people:

1. It’s just a bunch of Republicans!

False. Nobody hates the Tea Party more than Republicans do. Example: “[h]opefully we’ll go into eight to 10 races and beat the snot out of them”. That came from former Rep. LaTourette of Ohio, a stalwart Republican (with the best last name ever). Large money Republican donors are sharpening their knives to do away with the Tea Party and anyone who claims to be a part of it. The movement has no political affiliation and is comprised of Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and unaffiliateds. Which takes me to number two:

2. It’s an actual political party!

False. It’s not a third party and it’s not some Ross Perot bullshit. The “Tea” part stands for Taxed Enough Already: T.E.A. (derp) The “Party” reference hails back to the Boston Tea Party of the American Revolution where colonists fought against high and indiscriminate taxation by the British Crown who needed to fund their thousands of wars against France (a good cause actually) and spandex tights budget (bad cause).

3. They call themselves “teabaggers”!

False. In case you didn’t know what teabagging is, it’s dragging your balls across someone’s mouth. (X-rated alert! Oh shit…too late).

The term “teabagging” was first used derogatorily by k.d. lang Rachel Maddow on MSNBC April 9, 2009, and Tea Partiers were similarly referred to as “teabaggers” by David Shuster on MSNBC April 13 2009. It was later used by Anderson Cooper who, when called out, claimed it was a “stupid, silly, one-line aside”, although we found out recently that he likely knows what it means.

4. They think Obama wasn’t born in America!

False. The whole “Obama was not born in America” meme was started by bitter Hillary Clinton supporters, who were flummoxed at her continued losses to this upstart young Senator from Illinois. These people are called “Birthers” because they claim a variety of conspiracy theories around Obama’s birth certificate (which absolutely checked out according to recent Governor of Hawaii, Linda Lingle, who is not an Obama supporter by any means and spoke at the Republican National Convention.) In fact, the idea of even questioning Obama’s background began in 2007, early in the election, by Clinton’s chief strategist, Mark Penn:

“All of these articles about his boyhood in Indonesia and his life in Hawaii are geared toward showing his background is diverse, multicultural and putting it in a new light. Save it for 2050. It also exposes a very strong weakness for him—his roots to basic American values and culture are at best limited. I cannot imagine America electing a president during a time of war who is not at his center fundamentally American in his thinking and his values. Every speech should contain the line that you were born in the middle of America to the middle class in the middle of the last century. And talk about the basic bargain as about [sic] the deeply American values you grew up with, learned as a child, and that drive you today. Let’s explicitly own ‘American’ in our programs, the speeches and the values. He doesn’t … Let’s add flag symbols to the backgrounds [of campaign events].”

In case that horrifies you (as it should), remember–that’s how political operatives and especially the Clintons talk and think of you, idiot voter.

5. They’re just a bunch of crazy Christians!

False. The movement is purely economic, based on the idea that we are taxed too much by a government that spends too much. In fact, in the speech that essentially started the Tea Party, CNBC contributor Rick Santelli called out those who got high-risk mortgages that they knew they’d foreclose on—which the taxpayer was now paying for.

6. They’re represented by FreedomWorks/Tea Party Express/Glenn Beck/etc!

False. Various people over the years have been trying to capitalize on this movement, co-opt them, and then impose their values. Dick Armey (teehee) of FreedomWorks is one of the most egregious examples of this. Don’t be fooled! If any organization claims to be “Tea Party” and then asks for donations, they’re full of shit. Consequently, any candidate who lists their affiliation as “Tea Party” deserves zero of your dollars (multiple impostors have been caught trying to do this, like Jon Ashjian in Nevada who was specifically entered into the race to split Armenian Republican Danny Tarkanian’s vote.  I sincerely hope there was an “Armenian Republican” standoff where garlic and Drakkar Noir were exchanged.)

7. They’re sexist/racist/homophobic!

False. Tea Party supporters are concered chiefly about high taxes—which affect all genders, families, and races equally—and gays even more so!

So why aren’t you a Tea Partier yet?

Despite the brisk February air, the sun was shining on that unique day on the Pier where I was welcomed by and introduced to a variety of diverse speakers who stood up and explained the costs of high taxes for our state and country, the drunken spending ways of Washington and Sacramento, and the fact that the new administration just doesn’t comprehend this fact—running on a high-tax, high-spend platform.

Four and a half years of President Obama and congressional toadies later, we’ve seen the effects of “hope” and “change”. Crony capitalism has been exposed, showing companies donating millions to politicians and the government in exchange for favorable policies (lest we forget, Wall Street donated more to Obama than any other candidate in history).

Many tax breaks, like that for payroll taxes, have been eliminated by Obama—automatically raising taxes on a large percentage of already-struggling American families. Our government has more than doubled its debt. Spending continues at reckless and dangerous levels, with stories dropping on the daily about hundreds of millions lost in failed solar investments, Mexican prostitution studies, cupcake shops, and a healthcare disaster that ironically (in the Alanis Morissette way–not ironic, just depressing) has caused many more to lose health insurance than get it.

you’re doin great, champ.  want a $200,000 cupcake?

These facts should divide us as a people against our arrogant, out-of-control government.

Instead we’re divided more than ever–our government, pro-government media, and businesses supported by the government want it that way. It’s not some vast conspiracy, it’s a clear crisis. Movements like Occupy consist of smelly douchebag losers who blithely dabble in anarchism and want to see the system fail to keep them from having to pay back their student loans. They’re part of the problem—and nobody fears them.  Guess what, misfits?  You’re not counterculture–you’re supporting the goals of The Man!

but I’d like to Occupy her Wall Street tho

Our government, as they’re supposed to, fears a peaceful uprising of the average American: economically-damaged for generations by record spending, debt, taxation, bailouts, and simple irresponsibility.  It’s a dereliction of the responsibility we entrust our elected officials with. These aren’t the people we wanted to elect—yet they’re the ones in office.

That’s what the Tea Party is about. It’s an American movement that has been hijacked, denigrated, and bastardized along the way by opportunists looking to ride a wave and fools who thing the government is doing fine ‘n’ dandy.

But the notion of an American government of the people, by the people, and for the people remains vibrant and eternal. We should never let the worst parts of our nature—irresponsibility, paranoia, and falsehood—overwhelm the best parts of our nature—accountability, brotherhood, and the relentless pursuit of truth.

I don’t know who these weirdos are who hijacked something called “a healthy diet” and called it Paleo. It’s like a bunch of cult members whose founder got arrested for fondling underage brides needed to find a new hobby.

This is and always has been my diet:

1) Avoid lots of processed foods.
2) Eat fresh stuff like fruits and veggies.
3) Meat is not the enemy. Eat diverse kinds of meats.
4) Sweets are treats.
5) Move around a lot for healthy living.

Simple, right?

As a result, I’ve never been out of shape or overweight or obese or childhood obese or suffered any negative health consequences.

It’s also easy to follow because eating fast foods or crappy foods don’t tend to make your tummy feel too good. A cake may look delicious, but eating half of it is not worth the cramps after.

damn you GLaDOS

Meanwhile, I’ve enjoyed the fact that while low-fat, high-fat, high-carb, low-carb, high-protein, and other ridiculous fad diets have come and go, I’ve found the trick to eating right.

Now re-read the five steps above.

Tape it to the fridge you open up too much and stare at, aimlessly, then close.  Tape it to your rearview mirror and run over your neighbor’s kids.  Tape it to the “Congratulations on your bridal shower, you need one, not a husband but a shower!” card you give your niece.  Tape it on your other niece.

Unfortunately, after Atkins died and everyone was all about whole grains and fiber and Jamie Lee Curtis poop yogurt (I feel she’s earning more from that gig than any of her Trading Places co-stars are these days), the environment was ripe for something.

Anything.

A movement.

And after we binged on all that probiotic macrobacterial eat-invisible-organisms crap, we did have a huge movement.

A huge bowel movement.

And Paleo was birthed.

The demographic? Crazy, bored housewives (this is so much better than re-Swiffering the living room for the 18th time today!) combined with Beta-who-desperately-wish-to-be-alpha males (come at me…uhhh…bra?)

Here’s their warped and wholly unscientific logic: our ancestors ate what they could forage for, like wild game and berries and such. Grain was not a staple good because they hadn’t settled down and become agricultural—and as soon as they did, it spelled DOOM. Our bodies were not designed to process gluten and it has caused every major health problem of the last 50 years, global warming, the obesity epidemic, 9/11, and rosacea.

The cult requires that its members eat a high fat, low carb, grain-free diet. It’s like Atkins, but for retards.

And don’t you dare deviate! Deviation will bring about stomach pain, cramps, angry cramps, Midol-untouchable cramps, fatigue, depression, chronic depression, the shits, and widespread condemnation (not necessarily in that order).

Celiac’s disease is a real disease that affects approximately 0.0000001% of the population.  It means you actually can’t process grains.  Not pretend-can’t-process, not “I think my tummy hurts or maybe that’s just gas”, it means you’re literally allergic to gluten.

The enormous majority of Paleodes (Paleo-chodes) are not.  It would be like if a bunch of people ran up to a kid in a wheelchair and claimed their legs hurt and they needed one too.

Like the shittiest transformer ever, this movement combined with two other movements: Crossfit (aerobics for people still stupid enough to buy toe-shoes) and the Gluten-Free diet (a diet originally for those with Celiac’s disease which has since been hijacked by stupid women who get diet advice from Gwyneth Paltrow).

laughing at your poverty!

Quickly, the movement has transformed from diet to lifestyle to cult.  Instead of miracles, there’s weight loss testimonials.  You’re coerced into getting other family members involved.  Any outsider is denigrated.  It even has its own bread and wine sacraments: kale and bacon.

Like with any movement where people with zero medical knowledge pretend to have endless medical knowledge, a lot of people are probably gonna die—which in this case, is a good thing.

Hopefully, like our cavemen ancestors, the weak and the stupid will be killed off, leaving only the strong and intelligent. After all, we need people to start the next fad diet in 5 years when they find out that, indeed, bacon kills you.

In between all this crap in October: the government shutdown, debt ceiling, Miley Cyrus’s barenaked ass, Kris Jenner separating from a Madame Tussaud’s figure, Ted Cruz, Kim Kardashian’s barenaked ass, Gravity, and my barenaked ass (month’s not over!) it seems like people have forgotten about Obamacare.

It’s the Tara Reid of legislation: rammed through hard, desperate, wasteful, reliant on handouts, and ultimately disease-riddled.

First of all, the website where you can log on and apply for has allowed around approximately five people total to sign up.  Or maybe it’s just the same old lady who keeps clicking “Submit” *cue 54-year-old Ida Greenberg stabbing furiously at her mouse: ‘I WILL get healthcare goddammit!’*

No, seriously: in Delaware (home of Joe Biden, despair, nothing else), after hundreds of thousands of people tried, they finally got one lady signed up.

More people have signed up to take a one-way trip to Mars than for Obamacare. And judging by your fate under the law’s death panels, it seems like you might as well go out in style.

The best part:

“Under the new law, everyone is required to have health insurance by 2014 or pay increasing fines.”

How far away is 2014? Oh yes—2 and a half months.  (Family holiday tip: Obamacare roulette!  Instead of opening gifts, everyone tries logging on at once to hastily meet the deadline.  The first person with a monthly premium under $400 wins!)

This would be like Apple coming out with the 5S, refusing to update it when bugs are pointed out, selling just a handful, and saying that if you use any of their older phones they’ll brick before the end of the year.

Can you imagine the outrage? People would storm their stores, set fire to their Cupertino HQ and emerge triumphant with Tim Cook’s head on a pike.*

*excerpt from the chapter titled “When I’m Gone” in the Steve Jobs Private Diaries

Private companies know better than to release a crap product you’re forced to update to because they’re responsible to you—their customers. Government should be even more responsible to you—after all, without you, they’d have no money or job—but they don’t give a damn. They’re the only game in town! There’s no Samsung or Nokia to ensure that loyal patrons stay loyal. Canada doesn’t market themselves with stats showing why their country is better, except as a joke.

But back to the Hindenburg that is Obamacare.

The healthcare website, healthcare.gov, is such a bomb that the people who designed it don’t even want to be associated with it.

It’d be like your parents changing their last name because you turned out to be such a disappointment (imagine how difficult that would make Jewish genealogy!)

But this wasn’t a surprise. In fact, the Obama administration knew it was going to be terrible:

Facing such intense opposition from congressional Republicans, the administration was in a bunker mentality as it built the enrollment system, one former administration official said. Officials feared that if they called on outsiders to help with the technical details of how to run a commerce website, those companies could be subpoenaed by Hill Republicans, the former aide said. So the task fell to trusted campaign tech experts.

So the next time someone tells you that Obamacare “isn’t about Obama!” and “isn’t political!” and “is just about giving poor folks healthcare!” remember that it was built by Organizing for America and other Obama political employees for political gain and nothing else.

All this failure doesn’t come cheap. The website was supposed to be $93.7 million.

It cost $292 million and is based on 10-year-old technology.

For that much, the government could have bought every obese American under the poverty line (39.1 million Americans under poverty line, 33% whom are obese) a personal training and dietary education session.  Talk about driving down the cost of healthcare and stimulating the economy!

Obama and Democrats simply love to bash Republicans by saying that they shouldn’t complain if they don’t have a plan.

Here’s the thing: they did.  In 2004, President Bush proposed health savings accounts, which would provide $1000 in healthcare credits for families, plus tax credits depending upon income.  It also included a proposal for small businesses to purchase healthcare across state lines–something which would guarantee a reduction in overall healthcare costs.

His opponents derided it as being hugely expensive and completely tanked the idea which would have helped drastically cut healthcare costs and the number of uninsured, citing figures as high as $41 billion over 10 years.

Fast forward to 2013, where Obamacare is projected to cost $1.36 trillion over 10 years.

Obama: “and I would’ve gotten away with this line of argument, if it weren’t for that pesky Bush!”

Don’t you folks just miss the salad days of Obama’s ‘if you like your healthcare, you can keep it. If you like your doctor, you can keep it. If you like that weird cancerous mole on your face, you can keep it because we won’t discriminate against pre-existing conditions’ meme that went around when this shitstorm of a bill was being passed to assuage our understandably-worried minds?

LOL

Florida Blue, for example, is terminating about 300,000 policies, about 80 percent of its individual policies in the state. Kaiser Permanente in California has sent notices to 160,000 people – about half of its individual business in the state. Insurer Highmark in Pittsburgh is dropping about 20 percent of its individual market customers, while Independence Blue Cross, the major insurer in Philadelphia, is dropping about 45 percent.

At least Obamacare is cheaper though, right? They don’t call it the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act for nothing!

The Chicago Tribune, Obama’s hometown paper, reports:

The Tribune‘s Peter Frost found that a typical user in the system — a 33-year-old single father in this case — would see his premiums “more than double” from the current average of $233 a month. But if the single dad wants his premiums to remain in range, he’ll need to sign up for an annual deductible of $12,700. The average deductible before ObamaCare for this consumer would have been $3,500.

Obamacare: making healthy working people pay for sick people, unemployed people, crackheads , Type 2 diabetics, alcoholics, weekend computer duster huffers, your Aunt Hazel’s Vicodin, acupuncture, a cough, complete fatasses, pack-a-day-smokers, witchcraft, and elective plastic surgery since 2013!

I plowed long and hard (but enough about Tara Reid) and found one positive story about Obamacare: Connecticut.

Yes: noble, tiny Connecticut hasn’t completely hit a wall with this disastrous law. In fact:

“In the first two weeks of operation, 10,678 applications were opened, and the state processed 2,372 applications for policyholders.”

Great! Only 320,728 more uninsured Connecticutters to enroll!  At this rate, people will be completely signed up by–March 2016.  Darn!  Just two years too late til you get taxed.  Hope you don’t keel over when you don’t get a tax return!

Here’s the thing about a fuckup this bad: you can’t point at a rotten peach and claim that a little bit is still edible. Continuing to eat it will make you sick.

Consequently, you can’t point at Obamacare and claim that, just because the website didn’t colossally shut down in one tiny state, that it’s perfectly usable for 49 others.

This is the problem with trying to do a national program: you ignore the “States” half of United States. States are designed to be laboratories to see what works and what doesn’t. This is why “Romneycare” in Massachusetts is different from Obamacare—it requires people to buy health insurance in one state. The federal government can’t require you to purchase jack shit. A state government can. It’s far more comforting knowing that if one state screws up, you have 49 others which will accept you with open arms. It’s dystopian to have an entire country adopt a policy forcing you to buy something you don’t want or need.

United States mean states banding together to increase strength. It doesn’t mean states putting on ankle weights to synchronize swim.

Am I the only one here getting a little perturbed by the collective masturbation over Texas?

Texas is the future!  There’s so much land! It’s cheap to live! Diverse! Smart people! Great weather! Jobs! Rick Perry personally shakes each new citizen’s hand!

And on. And on. And fucking on.

Now look, I have nothing against Texas. I’ve visited it a couple times and found it quite lovely, inasmuch as you can find concrete lovely.  (It’s no wonder there are so many JFK conspiracy theories.  You could fit the population of Fort Worth in one lane of Dealey Plaza with more shooters than the goddamn Czech army.)

I also delight in the fact that the entire world population could comfortably live in Texas with the population density of NYC. It makes all those “ahhh scary population growth!” Chicken Littles look like the damned fools and closet eugenicists that they are.

Plus: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. Any state that can tell effete East Coast elites to shove it is definitely a friend of mine.

(What’s little acknowledged is the fact that George W. Bush is to thank for all the good he did as Governor of Texas during his term–because all those good policies are playing out now.  That’s an uncomfortable fact for many said elites that I relish.)

But all this “OMFG TEXAS IS AMAZING” talk reminds me of San Francisco 1849. Or Los Angeles 1920. Lots of people shifting somewhere else because they just can’t cut it where they’re at.

There are a few things about Texas that may be uncomfortable for some of y’all Dallas/Houston/Austin/San Antonio (the sleeper big city—seriously, where the hell did you come from?) denizens—but it’s time to face the honky-tonk music.

First: illegal immigration. Texas has a real goddamn illegal immigration problem and doesn’t seem to be doing a darn thing about it. I’d care less if it affected just Texas—but Texas is the funnel for illegal immigrants to travel throughout the Midwest and towards the East Coast and Mountain West. Good news: the recession caused illegal immigration to drop by 1 million people last year. Bad news: illegal immigration increased by 200,000 that same year to Texas alone. The number of illegal immigrants in Texas combined would form the second largest city in Texas—and the fifth largest in the country. Memo to Texas: you have the largest border with Mexico compared to any state in the Union. Get your shit together.

Second: you have a lot less going for you than you think. The analogy that I can think of to best describe your situation is a male model who stuffs his jock with a sock. Or a female model who balloons two cup sizes with the help of Mr. Kleenex. Libertarian economist Tyler Cowen has a Time magazine cover story this week of “10 Reasons Texas Is Our Future”, a dystopian look forward if I ever saw one. Let’s read through them:

1. Everyone’s moving there (big fucking deal, lots of people eat at Subway and it sucks)

2. The middle class squeeze (surprisingly not a trendy new juice bar concept, unrelated to Texas entirely)

3. Automation (still on the middle class squeeze topic, Texas is not responsible for me scanning my own groceries at the store and gleefully avoiding the cashier’s glacial, Parkinson’s-addled scanning hand)

4. The skills gap (still about the middle class squeeze. Weren’t we talking about Texas in this article?!)

5. Cheap land, cheap houses (finally, we’re back to Texas! And it’s only to give them a reach-around for having the same thing that…39 other states have!)

6. Cheap living generally (goddamn, we’re really trying to stretch to get that magic ‘10’ on this list, aren’t we?)

7. Jobs (thanks for reminding me of recently departed Steve, you heartless bastards. Let’s see here…oh yes: YOU CAN MAKE OR GET A JOB ANYWHERE YOU WANT IN THIS COUNTRY IF YOU WORK HARD ENOUGH. Texas’s new motto should be: ‘If You’re Fucking Lazy, Come to Texas!’)

8. Low Taxes (will address this below)

9. The rise of the ‘new cowboys’ (I don’t know what the hell this is supposed to mean and I doubt the author does either. All I know is that, in Texas, there’s steers and queers drinking beers listening to Tears for Fears or something like that)

10. The rise of micro-houses (ladies and gents, this is what’s called in the writing world as “pulling something directly out of your ass”. I can think of nobody who would enjoy living in a 400 sq. ft. box. This is a downgrade for solitary confinement inmates for gawd’s sake. And weren’t they just bragging about all the land available? This is like having a Porsche and then driving it only to the mailbox and back. Or that model from earlier, but you only penetrate her in the belly button.)

I promised I’d go back to the Low Taxes point, and goddammit I don’t break a promise unless it’s in ring form.

The author brags about how much lower state taxes are in Texas compared to other states like California (appx. $1400 more/person) and New York (an eye-watering $3900 more/person). This is mostly because Texas has no income tax.

That’s fine—that’s one place you have California beat, and good on you for that.

But six other states: Alaska, Florida, Nevada, South Dakota, Washington, and Wyoming all have no income tax too. You’re not fucking special, Texas.

According to About.com Tax Planning (which I trust more than my actual accountant…keep your hands off my CVS receipts!  I don’t need your number-crunching judgment!):

“States need revenue to function, and these states will have to make up for the lack of income tax somehow. New Hampshire [which has limited state taxes like Tennessee] and Texas, for example, make up for it in property taxes. Both states have some of the highest property taxes in the nation.”

Enjoy your cheap little Hooverville hovels, Texas—you’ll soon be paying out the ass for the privilege of occupying a Lilliputian sliver of that prime, abundant Texas soil.

Even the author of the Time piece (heh) admits:

“[p]eople are going to Texas because it’s a low-cost, low-tax state. But they’re also migrating to other Sun Belt states, like Colorado, Arizona and South Carolina, which have similar policy profiles.”

Welp, there goes the one advantage Texas has.

It boils down to this: Texas is not some humble escape from the braggadocio East Coast or all-too-cool West Coast lifestyle. In fact, the number one thing people from Texas can’t stop bragging about is Texas. They’re just as bad as New Yorkers who think they’re the shit or LA people who don’t understand that there’s a world north of The [dreaded] Valley.

So to all the Texas fetishists, emigrators, commentators, and Rick Perry: do everyone a favor and shut the fuck up about your shitstain five-in-one Republic.

Or better yet: do good on that secession promise. If you’re nice, we may even let you borrow the “New Mexico” name. After all—in a few years, you’ll need it.

Volume Two of Wyatt: The Washroom Whisperer

I’m at the point where I really could give a lesser shit about the judgmental glares I get on my way out of the restroom.

No: I don’t wash my hands after using the bathroom.

Feel free to recoil from shaking hands or bumping fists with me—I find most of these encounters with other people awkward, uncomfortable, and unnecessary anyway. I don’t need to reassure you I have no weapon—I’d rather you think I do.

Here’s why you shouldn’t panic anyway:

1) I haven’t used a public restroom to take a shit since 1998. That’s because it was 3rd grade and it was either in the toilet or in my sweatpants. It was terrifying and I swore I’d never do it again. The icy feeling of the toilet seat on my mini-buttocks will haunt me for the rest of my life. Therefore, rest assured that these delicate sausage fingers o’mine have never come within sniffing distance of anything No. 2 related if I’ve used a public restroom.

2) I love automatic toilets. I remember going to New Orleans and there being only automatic toilets, which makes me think they should put that in the tourism brochures: “The Crescent City, Mardi Gras, beignets, our toilets are automatic.” I am willing to sacrifice my hamstrings and hip flexors to plié myself into kicking a toilet or urinal lever down.

3) I generally avoid touching door handles or door latches or locks or anything in general. Faucets and soap handle dispensers too. And don’t give me that bullshit about automatic faucets—80% of them go on for approximately 0.8 milliseconds and then shut off for five minutes, requiring intricate sign language to re-activate like an Xbox Kinect receiver dipped in lard. I like at IKEA that they have those cool rubber circle things you’re supposed to put your elbow or fist or left thigh through to effectively open to door without having to touch it. Although if some weird elbow STD develops, we’re all fucked. Bottom line: doors I can kick or bodynudge open are welcome!

4) I generally avoid touching myself in general. It’s not that I don’t like to—far from it. But I can assure you that if I do, it’s cleaner than anything I’d have to come into contact with in the restroom—and I have the testing results to prove it.

So, if you folks generally adhere to the Set of Four above—you have nothing to fear. I, too, was intimidated by the glares of judgmental strangers when I skipped the voodoo washing rituals on my way out the door. Soon, I grew a pair and learned one of life’s most valuable lessons, the venerable notgivingafuck.

Now go, my children, and spread your clean-hand evangelism across the land!

yes, they officially have a fucking global day for everything now.  there’s only 365 of those a year, people…make em count!