Am I the only one here getting a little perturbed by the collective masturbation over Texas? Texas is the future!  There’s so much land! It’s cheap to live! Diverse! Smart people! Great weather! Jobs! Rick Perry personally shakes each new citizen’s hand! And on. And on. And fucking on. Now look, I have nothing against…

Volume Two of Wyatt: The Washroom Whisperer I’m at the point where I really could give a lesser shit about the judgmental glares I get on my way out of the restroom. No: I don’t wash my hands after using the bathroom. Feel free to recoil from shaking hands or bumping fists with me—I find…

Volume One of Wyatt’s Lascivious Lavatory Ladventures! I’ve been stuck in the literally uncomfortable position of having to use a women’s bathroom at a Starbucks twice today. I have nothing against women’s bathrooms. I’m used to them. My protective mother took me into them until I was probably about 12. Spoiler alert: they’re not necessarily…

Now that the government is shut down and you’re all still alive, isn’t it a strange feeling about just how much of the government is non-essential?  (P.S.–you’re paying for all of it too!) It makes you wonder: where the hell has the money been going all this time? A viral (hate that word) video circulating…

There really is no more awesome feeling than finding cash in your pocket. It’s like a little gift to yourself, that crumpled little wad of singles you probably swiped from the stripper’s g-string when she was getting motorboated by Fat Frank. In fact, the only feeling that’s more awesome is finding money on the ground.…

Jesus commanded people to give to the poor. From what little of the Bible I remember, I think a widow with last-season’s Céline bag (TWO strikes) gave him her last cent, and he later told the story. finally: a purse with a facial expression that reflects its pouting bitch owner I also give to the…

Jesus commanded people to give to the poor. From what little of the Bible I remember, I think a widow with last-season’s Céline bag (TWO strikes) gave him her last cent, and he later told the story. finally: a purse with a facial expression that reflects its pouting bitch owner I also give to the…

Do you guys remember that meme that circulated around the 2008 election? If you get an email that says ‘Nude Photos of Sarah Palin’, don’t open it because it could be a virus. If you get an email that says ‘Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton’, don’t open it. It could actually be nude photos of…

Craig Mazin has probably the worst self-created resume of any man who isn’t Charles Manson: screenwriter of Scary Movie 3 and 4 and Hangover III. He was also Senator Ted Cruz’s freshman year roommate at Princeton. lookin sharp, kid He had some not-so-nice shit to shovel about Sen. Cruz as a college kid earlier this…

The makeup industry exists for a reason—to make women both look and feel prettier. Let’s face it—have you ever seen a woman in the morning with no makeup? It’s like looking directly into the Predator’s bunghole. (pictured: the “Part of Me” Katy Perry will never ever let you take away from her) Here’s a tip…