Category: Wyatt’s Words

Sometimes I have to don my monocle and my PI clothes (Pass Interference—a pair of football pants with a mud stain just on the rear) and go a’searchin for mysteries and stuff.

Today’s mystery—a black, curly pube on my hand.

I don’t know how it got there. I’ve been inside all day. At my desk, mostly. Well I peed once, maybe twice. So where the HELL did it come from?

Not my roommates. They’re disturbingly clean, so they’re not the kind of people to indiscriminately drop pubages, plus it’s the wrong color.

After a quick mental scan, no, none of the people who came into my apartment as of late had black hair.

Fuck.

Speaking of which, the last chick and all of them have been shaved, so it can’t be them.

Color me colored (gotta make this a phrase).

The trail has gone cold for now, and I just sneezed and lost the black pube into the ether from whence it came.

May as well call this case closed, at least until I find it again.

Indian-Americans are one of the country’s hardest working immigrant groups.

They’re highly educated, they pay their taxes, and they still believe in the American Dream.

Yet the Democrats seem to have a problem with Indian-Americans.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton referred to Mahatma Gandhi as a guy who “ran a gas station down in St. Louis for a couple of years.”

Vice-President Joe Biden said, “You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent … I’m not joking.”

And this week, Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel asked an Indian-American doctor, Dr. Robin Gandhi, if he was a member of the Taliban.

If someone on the right, even some minor functionary, breathed a comment similar to this, it would be replayed on an endless loop.

During the 2012 election, polling showed that:

a whopping 68 percent — higher than any other Asian ethnic group – of Indian-Americans will vote for Obama.

In essence, they’re voting for the side that wants to raise their taxes, discourage the growth of their small businesses, increase illegal immigration (while they went through the expensive legal immigration process), and on frequent occasion, slur against them.

So I ask this: why would an Indian-American vote for a Democrat?

pictured: the first two Indian-American, Republican Governors–Nikki Haley of South Carolina, Bobby Jindal of Louisiana

So as you folks probably know, this past week Amanda Berry, who had been missing for a decade, was found safe in the basement of Ariel Castro with two other girls.

In 2004, Louwanna Miller, Berry’s mother, went on the Montel Williams Show and talked to psychic Sylvia Browne, who has helped out police and investigators with missing persons cases in the past.

Browne told Miller about her daughter, “She’s not alive, honey.”

So this week, when Amanda Berry turned up, Sylvia Browne was slammed across the media, especially Anderson Cooper, who tweeted:

Louwanna Miller died in 2006 “of a broken heart”, for which Sylvia Browne was blamed, even though the real cause was pancreatitis. Remind me why we trust the media for “medical” information?

But here’s the story you don’t know.

This is the original Montel Williams segment.

1. Browne described Berry’s kidnapper as “a sort of Cuban-lookin, short, kinda stocky, heavyset”.

Browne was right. Ariel Castro, the kidnapper, fits that description to the T, even with his name.

2. Browne said Berry was “in the house, or under the house” of her kidnapper.

Browne was right. Berry was found in Castro’s basement.

3. Browne said that the next time Miller would see her daughter would be “in heaven, on the other side”.

Browne was right. Miller died soon after, and that’s the next time she’ll see her daughter.

4. When Miller questioned Browne on the veracity of her prediction, Browne said, “Only God is right all the time but of course I’m wrong. But after 50 years of doing this work, I’d better be more right than wrong. I always say I hope I’m wrong. When it comes to this, I hope I’m wrong.”

Turns out Browne was more right than wrong. And that’s not just coming from me, that’s coming from Amanda Berry’s family:

Sherry Cole, Amanda Berry’s cousin, reached out to Browne Wednesday morning to offer her love and support, according to Browne’s public relations rep. Cole reportedly wanted to let Browne know that Browne had been accurate in her description of the perpetrators at the time.

“Our family in no way blames Sylvia. This doesn’t change anything. We still love her and believe in her”.

This is what happens when the whiny, bored media looks for hobgoblins to blame for things. The real monster is Ariel Castro, who kidnapped, tortured, and sexually abused these girls for a decade. Not an elderly psychic who should be commended for accurately describing where they were.

Congratulations to Pope Francis I. I’m sure it’s totally safe to have an Argentine in unusual clothing speak to a large group of fanatical people.

I’m not bitter. It just seems the College of Cardinals lost my application for popehood (popedom? popacity?)

I’ve reposted it here in case they change their mind:

Here are my qualifications:

• 1/4 Italian
• Can speak to large audiences
• Pro-life and traditional marriage
• Experience traveling in a Mercedes
• Own multiple badass cross necklaces
• Travel not a problem
• Multilingual (Spanish, Armenian, Pig Latin)
• Read a Children’s Illustrated Bible once
• Have a Catholic grandmother
• Really likes cool hats
• Disliked by children
• Not a quitter
• Proficient in Twitter
• Pretty sure the 3rd Secret at Fatima spoke about having a ginger pope
• Already have a name picked out: “Pope Magnum I”

Congratulations to Pope Francis I. I’m sure it’s totally safe to have an Argentine in unusual clothing speak to a large group of fanatical people.

I’m not bitter. It just seems the College of Cardinals lost my application for popehood (popedom? popacity?)

I’ve reposted it here in case they change their mind:

Here are my qualifications:

• 1/4 Italian
• Can speak to large audiences
• Pro-life and traditional marriage
• Experience traveling in a Mercedes
• Own multiple badass cross necklaces
• Travel not a problem
• Multilingual (Spanish, Armenian, Pig Latin)
• Read a Children’s Illustrated Bible once
• Have a Catholic grandmother
• Really likes cool hats
• Disliked by children
• Not a quitter
• Proficient in Twitter
• Pretty sure the 3rd Secret at Fatima spoke about having a ginger pope
• Already have a name picked out: “Pope Magnum I”

fap-happy memories…

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty tired of all the Lohan Hate out there.

Call this what you will. Call this my “Leave Britney Alone!” moment. Actually don’t call it that, because you’re wrong. I’m not crying on my pillow in frustration with running mascara talking about a celebrity with substance abuse issues.

I wear waterproof mascara.

First things first: yes, Lindsay Lohan has been a mess. It finally seems like she’s getting her head on straight, but I’ve said that before and been wrong, so who knows.

Second, she’s not the world’s best actress. Every character is just her, with a slightly different voice. Even when she played her British twin in The Parent Trap.

Third, she’s not the smartest person in the world. Driving with an open container isn’t smart.

But she’s tough. She’s tough and we should admire her for being tough with that fucked up cast of characters she has to unfortunately call a family. Her upbringing sounded awful, and the worst part is that neither of her parents have ever repented or improved or made things right—they’ve only gotten worse as time goes on and continue to affect her life. There’s lots of fucked up people out there with fucked up parents who continue to bother them even after they grow up and leave the house. I can’t think of another situation where it’s splashed across TV and communication is done by press release or TMZ camera.

She’s also interesting, like a shiny object, and worth examination. And she gets lots of shit she doesn’t deserve. For every photo of her stumbling out of a club all turnt up, there are 10 similar photos of other celebrities not published because it’s not as headline grabbing. Why does Demi Lovato get a pass for the same exact trajectory of enormous ups and downs and secret rehab stays (“oh, she’s got mental health issues, look at her recover!”) versus Lindsay (“back off the wagon again, trainwreck!”)

It doesn’t look like she really has any stable force. Britney got better due to a conservatorship. Paris Hilton had a supportive family and business acumen. Lindsay has none of that, just enablers and hangers-on, and she’s paranoid, and rightfully so.

Critics are fools. Watching Tom Brokaw discuss her debasing the White House Correspondent’s Dinner with her mere presence is an unwarranted potshot. He appreciated the original SNL cast members there, even though they got into far more drugs and booze than she did at that time. He ignores Kim Kardashian being there and focuses on her, making this all the more meta: the more you address the press beast, the more it feeds, and the larger it grows. Which is great, because it adds more entertainment for everyone, and as long as Lindsay is riding the wave, then more power to her. Clean up, focus, and keep stringing em along.

fap-happy memories…

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty tired of all the Lohan Hate out there.

Call this what you will. Call this my “Leave Britney Alone!” moment. Actually don’t call it that, because you’re wrong. I’m not crying on my pillow in frustration with running mascara talking about a celebrity with substance abuse issues.

I wear waterproof mascara.

First things first: yes, Lindsay Lohan has been a mess. It finally seems like she’s getting her head on straight, but I’ve said that before and been wrong, so who knows.

Second, she’s not the world’s best actress. Every character is just her, with a slightly different voice. Even when she played her British twin in The Parent Trap.

Third, she’s not the smartest person in the world. Driving with an open container isn’t smart.

But she’s tough. She’s tough and we should admire her for being tough with that fucked up cast of characters she has to unfortunately call a family. Her upbringing sounded awful, and the worst part is that neither of her parents have ever repented or improved or made things right—they’ve only gotten worse as time goes on and continue to affect her life. There’s lots of fucked up people out there with fucked up parents who continue to bother them even after they grow up and leave the house. I can’t think of another situation where it’s splashed across TV and communication is done by press release or TMZ camera.

She’s also interesting, like a shiny object, and worth examination. And she gets lots of shit she doesn’t deserve. For every photo of her stumbling out of a club all turnt up, there are 10 similar photos of other celebrities not published because it’s not as headline grabbing. Why does Demi Lovato get a pass for the same exact trajectory of enormous ups and downs and secret rehab stays (“oh, she’s got mental health issues, look at her recover!”) versus Lindsay (“back off the wagon again, trainwreck!”)

It doesn’t look like she really has any stable force. Britney got better due to a conservatorship. Paris Hilton had a supportive family and business acumen. Lindsay has none of that, just enablers and hangers-on, and she’s paranoid, and rightfully so.

Critics are fools. Watching Tom Brokaw discuss her debasing the White House Correspondent’s Dinner with her mere presence is an unwarranted potshot. He appreciated the original SNL cast members there, even though they got into far more drugs and booze than she did at that time. He ignores Kim Kardashian being there and focuses on her, making this all the more meta: the more you address the press beast, the more it feeds, and the larger it grows. Which is great, because it adds more entertainment for everyone, and as long as Lindsay is riding the wave, then more power to her. Clean up, focus, and keep stringing em along.

A Missouri Democrat has proposed banning the wearing of seersucker suits for anyone over the age of 8 by adding an amendment to a tuition bill.

Missouri state Sen. Ryan McKenna feels so strongly against the seersucker suit that he has proposed a statewide ban on them for people over the age of eight.

“Any person living in this state aged 8 and under may wear seersucker suits at their leisure. Any person over the age of 8 living in this state may not wear seersucker suits because adults look ridiculous in seersucker suits,” the (handwritten) amendment to a higher education bill reads, according to the River Front Times.

First of all, this guy should just be impeached, fired, or, well, caned out of office for saying stupid shit. I’m sorry (I’m not sorry), but if you’re going to waste public time with your stupid shit, pack your stress balls and family photos and get the fuck out of office. You’re a disgrace.

“I will not be bullied by the seersucker caucus,” McKenna told the Times. ”They are getting stronger by the week with their bullying tactics.”

These are members of the real Senate (not some weak-ass Missouri Senate) wearing seersucker and they look badass.

I hope this guy is actually bullied. Like, I hope we can find a van full of bullies from local Missouri high schools to go to this guy’s house and give him wedgies and wet willies and call his masculinity into question and trip him and shit. And I hope a local Men’s Wearhouse will sponsor with free seersucker suits for the bullies to wear. Who knows, maybe this dude was diddled by a man wearing a seersucker suit, and even if he wasn’t, it sounds like he needs to be.

Second of all, I’m a fan of seersucker (you’ll see why), but that does not color my answer above. If he proposed the banning of tweed (which I dislike strongly) I would have the same reaction.

I’m a fan because I have a pair of seersucker shorts I wear everyfuckingwhere because they breathe and don’t wrinkle and are as comfortable as fuck.

Consider this my Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (except it’s Mr. Torosian Goes to Jefferson City, not quite as catchy).

As we learn more and more about the bombings in Boston, a picture begins to come together about this mysterious Chechen culture from which these two brothers came.

Here are some facts:

• Boston has been a hotbed of terrorist activity for more than a decade. The 9/11 hijackers came through Boston. It’s been a one-stop-shop for radicalization.

• Chechnya is a “nation” in the southern part of Russia, through an area known as the Caucasus. It is ruled by a young Muslim warlord named Ramzan Kadyrov, whose parties draw the likes of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Hilary Swank. Russia has been fighting with this area for years, and quite severely in the past decade.

• These are the same terrorists who committed the Beslan School Massacre in September of 2004, where 1,100 people were held hostage (777 which were children) and eventually ended in 380 dead. They’ve also committed other attacks, including the Moscow train bombing.

So yes, these young men were inspired (and perhaps funded) by legitimate, recognized terrorist organizations.  Russia even warned the US about accepting large numbers of “refugees” from Chechnya, which is how the older brother got into the US.

The FBI even investigated these individuals at Russia’s request.

It’s sad that this could have been potentially prevented. That if we had a functional immigration system, neither of these two could have gotten into the country.  It’s telling that the older brother became a nationalized US citizen on September 11^th, 2012.  And that three of the older brother’s Jewish “friends” were mysteriously killed (authorities believe at his hands) one year prior to the day.

It’s an embarrassment of our bureaucracy that they were not only allowed in, but that they were on the radar and still—STILL, managed to attack.  Let the murder of the three innocents and hundreds wounded not be in vain.

As we learn more and more about the bombings in Boston, a picture begins to come together about this mysterious Chechen culture from which these two brothers came.

Here are some facts:

• Boston has been a hotbed of terrorist activity for more than a decade. The 9/11 hijackers came through Boston. It’s been a one-stop-shop for radicalization.

• Chechnya is a “nation” in the southern part of Russia, through an area known as the Caucasus. It is ruled by a young Muslim warlord named Ramzan Kadyrov, whose parties draw the likes of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Hilary Swank. Russia has been fighting with this area for years, and quite severely in the past decade.

• These are the same terrorists who committed the Beslan School Massacre in September of 2004, where 1,100 people were held hostage (777 which were children) and eventually ended in 380 dead. They’ve also committed other attacks, including the Moscow train bombing.

So yes, these young men were inspired (and perhaps funded) by legitimate, recognized terrorist organizations.  Russia even warned the US about accepting large numbers of “refugees” from Chechnya, which is how the older brother got into the US.

The FBI even investigated these individuals at Russia’s request.

It’s sad that this could have been potentially prevented. That if we had a functional immigration system, neither of these two could have gotten into the country.  It’s telling that the older brother became a nationalized US citizen on September 11^th, 2012.  And that three of the older brother’s Jewish “friends” were mysteriously killed (authorities believe at his hands) one year prior to the day.

It’s an embarrassment of our bureaucracy that they were not only allowed in, but that they were on the radar and still—STILL, managed to attack.  Let the murder of the three innocents and hundreds wounded not be in vain.