Category: Wyatt’s Words

I think this is a situation that certainly calls for torture.

We’ve got one of the bombers. Now, we just really need to torture him.

It should be involved, it should be cruel, it should be unusual, and it should be merciless.

And we should broadcast it live to Grozny, to Kabul, to Islamabad, to Tehran, and to every place where anyone who would even think of harming innocent women and children may reside.

We put a vise around his nuts and we just tighten, more and more. We’ll get our information, and we’ll get an example of what happens to those who dare come into our country and kill our people will deserve.

The world won’t object. China won’t object—he killed a young female student on visa from China. Russia won’t object—they’ve been dealing with Islamic Chechen separatists for decades, especially after they killed 380 schoolchildren a few years back.

Let’s not waste this useful opportunity to nip this shit in the bud.

Telling the Starbucks barista “surprise me” this morning was a bad choice.  I’m pretty sure she served me her leftover laundry water instead of coffee.

I like to do that though. I like to tell people who give me a choice that the choice can be theirs.  It makes them happy (and if she’s cute, coquettish) and everyone usually wins.

It’s dangerous though.

What if one of the options suck?

Why would I give them the 33(.33333333333)% chance of fucking shit up?

Well, then it’s easier to blame them (they chose SHIT)

…rather than blame myself (I chose shit…:/)

More than 50% of the time I get surprised in a good way, which is awesome.

Happy surprises make life worthwhile.

Shitty surprises make life awful.

And this “coffee” makes me want to retch.

Paul Ryan’s college education was funded by Social Security benefits.

Nefarious! He’s trying to cut Social Security!

Except the fact that, as a 16-year-old, his father died, meaning Paul inherited his dad’s benefits which funded his education.

And except the fact that he doesn’t even want to cut benefits:

Here is Paul Ryan’s path to a balanced budget in three sentences: He cuts deep into spending on health care for the poor and some combination of education, infrastructure, research, public-safety, and low-income programs. The Affordable Care Act’s Medicare cuts remain, but the military is spared, as is Social Security. [Emphasis supplied.]

However, “President Obama is standing firm on insisting on Social Security cuts”.

That’s not evil right-wing spin either—this is from a liberal website.

Here’s a facebook thread where a rabid anti-Paul-Ryan devotee gets quickly shut up when this fact is pointed out.

Facts are the darndest things…

We should eliminate aid to every country that sent a world leader to Chavez’s funeral.

To Mexico and Chile: shame on you.

To Colombia and Paraguay: you deserve aid for standing on principle.

Now that’s a common-sense foreign policy.

The Lamborghini Countach was considered to be absolutely wild in the 70s. Just look at the damn thing.

Besides its Giugiaro wedge shape, it had sexy louvers (slats) on the side to allow air into the rear engine.

It’s 2013, forty years since the original Countach concept came out.

And Lamborghini brings out this.

It looks like a set of Venetian blinds with wheels.  This thing sucks more air than a Dyson.

It’s mobile insanity.

And I absolutely love it.

If you don’t know this woman by know, you should.

Sweet Brown is the Internet’s new star, rocketed to fame from a news report where she described her apartment building going up in flames:

SB: Oh Lord Jesus, it’s a fire! Then I ran out, I didn’t grab no shoes or nothin, Jesus. Ran for my life…and then the smoke got me…I got bronchitis!

And then she utters the inimitable line:

SB: Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!

The video now has 21 million views. Another one has 23 million, and an autotune remix has 23 million as well. Counting other remixes, parodies, and copies, her video has likely received north of 100 million views.

In the wake of this popularity, she’s done a video for a local dental office, including her famous catchphrase.

She’s landed a role in an upcoming Tyler Perry movie, an agent, and was just invited to the Oscars.

Memo to Sweet: Lord Jesus, I got time fo dat!

It’s a heartwarming, rags-to-riches American story: from an apartment fire to the Oscars.  I doubt any of those douchebags on stage have a better acceptance speech tearjerker than that.

Just goes to show—get on local news, and your dreams can come true!

*chases down KTLA news van*

If you don’t know this woman by know, you should.

Sweet Brown is the Internet’s new star, rocketed to fame from a news report where she described her apartment building going up in flames:

SB: Oh Lord Jesus, it’s a fire! Then I ran out, I didn’t grab no shoes or nothin, Jesus. Ran for my life…and then the smoke got me…I got bronchitis!

And then she utters the inimitable line:

SB: Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!

The video now has 21 million views. Another one has 23 million, and an autotune remix has 23 million as well. Counting other remixes, parodies, and copies, her video has likely received north of 100 million views.

In the wake of this popularity, she’s done a video for a local dental office, including her famous catchphrase.

She’s landed a role in an upcoming Tyler Perry movie, an agent, and was just invited to the Oscars.

Memo to Sweet: Lord Jesus, I got time fo dat!

It’s a heartwarming, rags-to-riches American story: from an apartment fire to the Oscars.  I doubt any of those douchebags on stage have a better acceptance speech tearjerker than that.

Just goes to show—get on local news, and your dreams can come true!

*chases down KTLA news van*

IKEA has recalled all of their meatballs “in 21 European countries to avoid upsetting customers”.

Why? Because “a batch of frozen meatballs tested horse-positive by Czech authorities.”

So is there any health concern with these meatballs? No.

Mad cow? Of course not.

They just might, might, have horse meat in them, which is perfectly safe and natural to eat and is a staple of French and other European cuisine.

IKEA follows on the heels of most major European supermarkets, like Tesco, and food companies, like Nestle, recalling all of their ground meat for the same reason.

What does Africa think that they’re dumping hundreds of thousands of tons of perfectly edible meat into the trash because it contains traces of meat from a slightly different animal?

This is, by far, the largest waste of perfectly edible and safe-to-eat food in history.

And Europe dares to call us “uncivilized”.

IKEA has recalled all of their meatballs “in 21 European countries to avoid upsetting customers”.

Why? Because “a batch of frozen meatballs tested horse-positive by Czech authorities.”

So is there any health concern with these meatballs? No.

Mad cow? Of course not.

They just might, might, have horse meat in them, which is perfectly safe and natural to eat and is a staple of French and other European cuisine.

IKEA follows on the heels of most major European supermarkets, like Tesco, and food companies, like Nestle, recalling all of their ground meat for the same reason.

What does Africa think that they’re dumping hundreds of thousands of tons of perfectly edible meat into the trash because it contains traces of meat from a slightly different animal?

This is, by far, the largest waste of perfectly edible and safe-to-eat food in history.

And Europe dares to call us “uncivilized”.