Category: Wyatt’s Words

  • Nixon, the Wyatt Torosian remake

    This is not Oliver Stone’s portrayal of a cold, calculating Nixon.

    This is not Frost/Nixon’s portrayal of an unrepentant, bombastic Nixon.

    This isn’t even Futurama’s portrayal of a dictatorial, power-grubbing Nixon.

    It all started with me telling Richard: “you know…the older I get, the more I appreciate Nixon.”

    His response, “you know…me too.”

    A professor of mine, Dr. Gertmenian, worked on the National Security Council with President Nixon. He had to report to the man on a daily basis, and over time, gained many insights about his character. In fact, he was slated for Nixon’s team for the China visit but at the last minute was diverted to Moscow to handle a situation he still won’t discuss.

    He said that Nixon had a managerial style where he would tell you to write things down and make sure that you were transcribing his every word. My professor didn’t mind, as Nixon’s thoughts and plans were often brilliant and richly detailed.

    He said that no man could recall various facts from history to make a cogent argument better than Nixon, that he had total recall and an intelligence that was consistently vastly underestimated. He placed him “with Churchill” on a scale of dynamic world leaders.

    One story in particular he recalled was when Nixon was flying in Air Force One over coal country, which was, at the time, Indiana and the zone between Chicago and Cleveland. Nixon noticed that you couldn’t even see the ground from the low-flying ready-to-land plane. His travel companion said that this pollution was constant, and not just a virtue of that day.

    It was at that point, he said, that Nixon vowed to start the EPA, the Environmental Protection Agency. It was discovered that this pollution was due to bituminous coal, also known as “soft coal”, compared to “hard coal”, known as anthracite. At the time, anthracite was more expensive than bituminous, and while bituminous plants could only handle that kind of coal, anthracite plants can process both. The demand for both is inelastic, so the supply all depends upon the price as they’re substitute goods.

    So Nixon advocated for a gradually-increasing 1/10th of one percent tax upon bituminous coal. This took the least efficient and most polluting of the plants out of business, and the revenues were used to re-educate those who worked in bituminous coal plants at other jobs.

    This was an economically-brilliant idea, because workers weren’t displaced and polluting coal was removed from our system.

    Many decisions that Nixon made affect us today. Obviously, the EPA has gone off of their original goals, and become a massive government waste. An EPA is a prudent idea, just nowhere near its current form. His plan to drawdown Vietnam has been lost to history, but after the escalations of Kennedy and Johnson it was the only reasonable plan and is a blueprint for how to drawdown in other countries where we’re involved. Opening us up to China gave American companies access to the world’s largest market and has turned that government away from communism and to believing in capitalism. Getting us off the gold standard put us in charge of our own currency, and helped take us off the ebb-and-flow crash-cycles that the gold-only system provided us.

    There’s no denying Nixon was a smart man. He may have been disagreeable. But he was a man of strong moral convictions, a man who saw that the lazy entitlement system of our country and those encouraging it would weaken our system, a man distrustful of elites and the power they wielded over the media and society, a man whose oft-reviled “enemies list” turned out to be forward-thinking considering the anti-Americans our country was ready to be transformed by, a man who didn’t abuse government power but saw it as a force for good when applied in small and targeted doses.

    Honestly, the Left should absolutely love him: he made environmental policy a focus, he withdrew us from Vietnam and was anti-war, and he saw room for government intervention in the economy.

    They disliked the fact he wasn’t on their side. Had he been a Democrat, you never would’ve heard about Watergate. After all, LBJ did it worse and first.

    I respect him for a variety of reasons, not just his intelligence and morality but his dislike of all things the Left currently holds dear. And when it was time to step down, he graciously accepted responsibility and saved others from being blamed, perhaps in the most magnanimous stroke a President has ever made.

    Few modern leaders exist that have the strong moral basis and intellectual strength that Nixon did. It’s a pity and a disservice that he died a shamed man.

  • New Album Dropping Soon!

    New Album drops 12.11.12

    1. Waterfallz (ft. T-Boz & Chilli)

    2. U

    3. Me

    4. Whores (ft. Ke$ha)

    5. Never Have I Ever…

    6. Dick’s (Sporting Goods)

    7. Heaven

    8. M8

    9. Bust-a-rhyme (ft. Busta Rhymes)

    10. Kat A. Gory

    11. A New Rule

    12. Questions

    Bonus Edition:

    13. Whores [Dubstep Remix]

    14. Heaven [Calvin Harris Remix]

    15. U [Acoustic Edition]

    © TotallyNotAVirgin Records

  • Why IHOP sends me love letters

    Sunday morning.

    Most folks are getting ready for church, or having breakfast in bed, or spending quality time with their families.

    My friends and I are waking up in each other’s beds, hungover, grasping for water and food.

    Enter a Sunday morning in May, when after a blowout pre-Graduation party, two friends and I found ourselves in this situation.

    beautiful monster

    We congregated (much like holier folks, except much crabbier than holier folks) and decided on where to obtain nutrition.

    In desperate search of sustenance, the chubby one in the group croaked:

    IHOP. I WANT PANCAKES.

    Barely able to see straight, I complied, somehow driving the three of us to the new IHOP in Santa Monica.

    Upon arrival, the only smell stronger than that of delicious pancakes was that of formaldehyde. Yes, some of our society’s most elderly members had populated the restaurant as they are wont to do.

    But these weren’t your garden-variety geezers. These were the advanced-level aged, each of which required handicapped assistance and a caretaker. It was as if we had wandered into the Last Chance Lodge.

    no vacanc–

    what’s that you say?  mrs. pendleton just expired?  

    sure, we have a room available!

    Navigating the endless sea of walkers, wheelchairs, and other contraptions, we made our way to a table that gave us a panoramic view of the pitiful scene. We sat down cautiously without regard for placement at the table, knowing we’d probably have to jump up to save some old coot bowling over on their way to the washroom.

    Enormous menus larger than the tablets of Moses were thrust in front of us, as well as exultations to join the IHOP mailing list by the all-too-cheery host. The chubby friend complied immediately, while I looked at my other friend as we both scoffed with mutual incredulity.

    The IHOP mailing list? That’s pretty much the saddest thing I’ve ever heard of.

    The chubby one pouted.

    Feeling guilty, we both complied to make him not feel so alone in wanting to receive IHOP coupons via the electronic mail the kids use these days.

    Since then, I’ve received about 12 emails from IHOP begging me to return and try whatever bizarre pancake combinations they’ve pulled out of their butts this time.

    Usually I ignore their emails and wipe them out with the rest of the spam and penis enlargement advertisements (DEFINITELY not required).

    But this morning I opened one and read it over on the crappier (litterbox lined with the New York Times).

    What’s tragic is some poor soul out there will get an IHOP gift card for Christmas. It’s like a pre-intervention last-ditch cry for help by that person’s family: we’ll enable you this one last time, but for God’s sake, put down the damn fork.

    What’s even more tragic is receiving IHOP emails and being too lazy to take your name off the list.

    IMG_0535

     

    great for alienating friends AND family

  • My torrid love affair with Twinkies

    Since the stock market is tanking, might as well invest in Twinkies.

    Apparently, compared to the normal “$4.29 for a box of ten Twinkies, one eBay seller sold a box for $59.99.”

    Luckily, the company may be bought and someone else will make these little cakes of awesome again, unions and poor managers be damned.

    I think I was 12 when I asked my mom if I could eat a Twinkie after watching a commercial for one.

    We never were really a Twinkie household, so when we went to the supermarket and I excitedly ran to the Hostess stand, scooping up a box of the yellow heavencakes, she looked, well, perplexed.

    “They’re not going to be as good as you think they are. They’re just…Twinkies,” she said.

    However, she agreed to buying them, and as soon as I got home I ripped the box open, and the plastic, and devoured one like a mad diabetic.

    And it tasted amazing. Processed? Yes. But also amazing. Nothing quite like it.

    I was in college, it was one of the first football games of the season, and we had a long bus trip home.

    It was before halftime (I think, I honestly remember like 25 seconds of this game) when I jonesed for some food. And there I saw it: deep-friend Twinkies.

    So of course I got one. And it was covered in chocolate and whipped cream and tasted like heaven and I moaned like a wildebeest as I devoured it in front of terrified onlookers, smearing whipped cream and chocolate sauce all over my face like a mad diabetic.

    I think I’ve probably eaten, like 4 Twinkies my whole life. They’re amazing, but they’re not an everyday food.

    To paraphrase Jeremy Clarkson talking about a Lamborghini, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again here. I don’t really want a Twinkie. But I don’t want to live in a world where it doesn’t exist.

  • Video Killed the Diplomat Star?

    Our administration made a lot of hay over a YouTube video posted by a mysterious figure that allegedly slandered Islam.

    In fact, they very publicly blamed the video for the attack on our consulate in Benghazi.

    It’s now known that such blame was falsely placed, and that this was a coordinated terrorist attack.

    The video’s creator was arrested and jailed for a year in a probation violation for…using a computer.

    The Petraeus mistress blowup brings us back to a speech she gave at the University of Denver, indicating that not only did Petraeus know of the attack, but that a certain special forced team could have prevented it.

    So why was the force not deployed? And who had the authority to not deploy them? And why was that choice made?

    It all comes down to a very choice quote:

    If you remember at the time, the Muslim video, the Mohammed video that came out, the demonstrations that were going on in Cairo, there were demonstrations in 22 other countries around the world, tens of thousands of people, and our government was very concerned that this was going to become a nightmare for us,” she said.
    “So you can understand if you put yourselves in his shoes or Secretary Clinton’s shoes or the President’s shoes, that we thought it was tied somehow to the demonstrations in Cairo. And it’s true that we have signal intelligence that shows the militia members in Libya were watching the demonstration in Cairo, and it did sort of galvanize their effort. So we’ll find out the facts soon enough.

    They knew the video wasn’t directly responsible for the attack.

    They needed a scapegoat to blame to quell the protestors. They got their scapegoat by jailing the creator of the video.

    They sacrificed the ambassador and the others who defended him to not stray from the video narrative. They wanted to take the heat off of al-Qaeda. They wanted to take the heat off of themselves for their security failures and the domestic outrage if we ever found out that we neglected to save our dying ambassador.

    They clearly could have secured the complex. They didn’t.

    And now we know why. To stop the protests, to make nice with the Muslim world, and to show they could appease.

    And now they have blood on their hands.

  • Bathtime Success

    I was super excited when, by some strange virtue, I was allowed my own room and bathroom in a villa at Pelican Hill, a resort in Newport Beach.

    The bathroom alone was larger than the size of my entire last apartment.

    And awaiting me in the bathroom was none other than a massive tub big enough for me to throw a hooker-and-suds-filled party in, with the best of all: a sexy little wooden-and-chrome tray in the center for me to rest my laptop on.

    BS1

    Or so I thought.

    I had some difficult interactions and performed a stress test with this thing.

    After all, if I’m gonna put a MacBook on it, the damn thing better not pull a Minnesota bridge on me and buckle.

    The following conversation was with Richard, thousands of miles away, trying to help me understand what the fuck this was:

    R: oh, your tray thing earlier was a video. it didnt show up on the computer as one i dont think. thought it was a closeup pic
    i think the slide in ridge is the drink holder. like for a wine glass. the wood surrounds the base so it wont get knocked over as easy. the dots in the circle suggest its for soap to drain
    the middle must be for just anything i guess
    oh. no. the ridges are for sticking magazines in probably
    its a mag/book holder

    W: *reexamines*
    I think the ridges are too narrow for magazines
    maybe it’s for pedicure/manicuring materials?

    R: I thought of that cuz of the ridges too but no way

    W: the wine glass holder makes sense definitely
    like the ridges are only wide enough to hold readers digest sized pages
    long*
    they’re not wide enough to hold more than a kindle

    R: the vid is too blurry to tell for sure, but are the metal things hooked or straight on the pedi looking side?

    W: straight

    R: theres no ridge at the end that makes them into an L?
    yes they are. i can see it clearer now
    those are hinges, dude. lift the metal thing up. it creates a back to rest the book or mag and then the slots at the bottom are for you to choose what angle you want it rested at

    W: Ok I found a similar one online. The metal thing in the center flips up to hold a book as a stand. The wine glass holder is for the side. The metal arms are on left and right to hold it in place on top of the tub. apparently it can be used to enjoy tea too. And according to reviews it is unstable
    Yep you were right

    R: whats up with the 3 indents on the back?

    W: Still no clue
    Can hold loofahs or those bathtub extended spray attachments I suppose

    Aha

    BS2

    R: kinda lame
    id use it as a laptop tray

    W: it’s really not strong enough. I was super excited because I thought I’d use it as such but I feel I’ll just end up with a soaked laptop

    R: lame

    The day passes and I decide to test this thing out for myself. If it can hold a book, it can hold a MacBook.

    BS3

    Success.

    Had to clear off some foam but I made it werq.

    Too bad I was leaving that day and couldn’t use it more than once.

    Oh well.

    And, as per usual, Rich was right.

    Rich 1, Wyatt 0.5, Tray 0

  • Election 2012 Perspective

    Election 2012 Perspective

    Congratulations to President Obama on his victory.

    Congratulations to Mitt Romney on running an honorable campaign.

    It pains me to see a man with a servant’s heart, a man as charitable as Mitt Romney, not be elected President.

    We must remain vigilant over the next four years and hold this government accountable for all of its actions. It is as much our duty as Americans as it was voting at the polls today.

    The American Dream is not lost.

    But our fellow citizens need help now more than ever.

    We face dark days ahead.  Let this election not leave us a house divided, for a house divided will not stand.

    Our history is lined with great Americans who gave their lives for our country.  Patriots who fought with every ounce of strength to ensure that America is the greatest country on the history of this planet.

    A place where a man is not defined by his color or creed, but by his honor.

    A place where we are free to pursue our happiness.

    A place where we rule ourselves, and are not ruled by a sovereign or tyrant.

    A place where we are the envy of the world.

    Every generation, we are tested to see if we can provide the bounty of our blessings to the next generation and the tools to perpetuate such blessings.

    Let us not squander the blessings we have been provided.

    Let us not sit idle in the face of adversity.

    Let us come together–Democrat, Republican, Independent, atheist, Christian, Buddhist, black, white, brown, gay, straight, male, female—and cast off every term used to divide us, cast off every term used to belittle us, cast off every term used to keep our character hidden.

    We are Americans.

    We may struggle.

    We may be tested.

    But we shall not fail.

    We must unite, as Americans, to ensure that the 21st century is a prosperous one for our country.

    Thank you, and may God bless this great land of ours and its people.

     

    Election 2012 Perspective 2

  • Rush: A Fed-Ex Failure

    “Rush” Delivery: Why FedEx Doesn’t Understand the Concept

    Friday afternoon.

    I’ve picked up a surprise gift for a very close friend.

    One of those things where they’ll open it and poop themselves in delight.

    One of the latest and greatest technologies that I absolutely need to get to them the morning after it comes out to make it all the more awesome.

    Of course it’s an Apple product.

    So I go to my local FedEx branch in Santa Monica, get it all boxed in its cozy little foam oasis, and walk up to the counter.

    Last time, I was admonished for filling out the address label incorrectly.

    Don’t quite know how that’s possible unless I wrote “PENIS” in the zip code area, but whatever. Best to put in the preliminary address info and let them do the rest.

    After all, they’re professionals.

    I tell the gentleman who has sent my packages a couple of times before precisely when it needs to be there.

    “As soon as possible,” I said. “Money is no object. I absolutely need it to be there first thing tomorrow morning.”

    “No problem!” he said, scribbled out the rest of the label, rang up the bill ($70?! *faints*) and off it goes.

    Saturday morning comes around.

    My friend has been notified a package is coming and what’s in it. Surprises are lame, and I want him to be home to get it and sign off on it.

    He waits outside all morning in anticipation.

    3PM. No delivery.

    I get the tracking number and put it in the FedEx app.

    Marina del Rey.

    At LAX.

    Nowhere near the destination.

    I call FedEx.

    After getting transferred through 3 different people, I finally arrive upon a manager.

    “Sir, it’s stated that the package will arrive on Monday.”

    “WHAT?!” I exclaim, “I specifically said Saturday morning! Is there ANY way you can get it there?”

    Manager leaves for a moment, I sit there, sweating.

    The whole idea of this was to get it there as soon as possible. By Monday, it’s pointless. Three days have passed. AND I PAID SEVENTY BUCKS TO GET IT THERE ON SATURDAY DAMMIT.

    “Sir, the box checked on the slip says ‘Next Business Day delivery’. There’s nothing we can do.”

    At this point, I’m ready to explode.

    I hyperventilate into the phone. I ask if I can go to Marina del Rey and fly it to the destination myself. I check flights leaving within the hour. I ask if it can be put on a same-day truck. Nope, it’s in the truck, it’s locked, and it will be headed east.

    This was the biggest waste of 70 bucks ever. For that much money to ship a tiny cardboard box, 1/3 the size of a shoebox, and not even have it get there the next morning, is ridiculous.

    “I can submit your claim to invoice services,” they say.

    That’s fancy talk for “maybe we’ll give you a refund, if we remember. If.”

    I hang up, defeated.

    Monday the package finally arrives at the destination. My friend was disappointed about it not getting there Saturday, after all, wouldn’t you be if that’s what you were told and you waited outside for something like a kid on Christmas morning?
    I was still livid. No call from FedEx, no further contact, nothing. It was as if it was my fault their employee screwed it up and I had no choice but to live with their failures.

    If I ever require an organ transplant, make damned sure it isn’t through FedEx. Otherwise, it’s cheaper to just buy the damn coffin which you’ll need anyway.

    Weeks later. No correspondence. No apologies. No nothing.

    I call up FedEx hoping for an update.

    Had to ask for a refund again. It was granted. Waiting for card to be credited.

    It’s upsetting that it was their mistake and the only apologies made were that I was inconvenienced.

    It was more than an inconvenience. It was a failure to provide a service correctly. One that was expensive. One where I entrusted them with my dollars to do the job their reputation is built upon.

    To say I’ll never use FedEx again is an understatement.

  • Rush: A Fed-Ex Failure

    “Rush” Delivery: Why FedEx Doesn’t Understand the Concept

    Friday afternoon.

    I’ve picked up a surprise gift for a very close friend.

    One of those things where they’ll open it and poop themselves in delight.

    One of the latest and greatest technologies that I absolutely need to get to them the morning after it comes out to make it all the more awesome.

    Of course it’s an Apple product.

    So I go to my local FedEx branch in Santa Monica, get it all boxed in its cozy little foam oasis, and walk up to the counter.

    Last time, I was admonished for filling out the address label incorrectly.

    Don’t quite know how that’s possible unless I wrote “PENIS” in the zip code area, but whatever. Best to put in the preliminary address info and let them do the rest.

    After all, they’re professionals.

    I tell the gentleman who has sent my packages a couple of times before precisely when it needs to be there.

    “As soon as possible,” I said. “Money is no object. I absolutely need it to be there first thing tomorrow morning.”

    “No problem!” he said, scribbled out the rest of the label, rang up the bill ($70?! *faints*) and off it goes.

    Saturday morning comes around.

    My friend has been notified a package is coming and what’s in it. Surprises are lame, and I want him to be home to get it and sign off on it.

    He waits outside all morning in anticipation.

    3PM. No delivery.

    I get the tracking number and put it in the FedEx app.

    Marina del Rey.

    At LAX.

    Nowhere near the destination.

    I call FedEx.

    After getting transferred through 3 different people, I finally arrive upon a manager.

    “Sir, it’s stated that the package will arrive on Monday.”

    “WHAT?!” I exclaim, “I specifically said Saturday morning! Is there ANY way you can get it there?”

    Manager leaves for a moment, I sit there, sweating.

    The whole idea of this was to get it there as soon as possible. By Monday, it’s pointless. Three days have passed. AND I PAID SEVENTY BUCKS TO GET IT THERE ON SATURDAY DAMMIT.

    “Sir, the box checked on the slip says ‘Next Business Day delivery’. There’s nothing we can do.”

    At this point, I’m ready to explode.

    I hyperventilate into the phone. I ask if I can go to Marina del Rey and fly it to the destination myself. I check flights leaving within the hour. I ask if it can be put on a same-day truck. Nope, it’s in the truck, it’s locked, and it will be headed east.

    This was the biggest waste of 70 bucks ever. For that much money to ship a tiny cardboard box, 1/3 the size of a shoebox, and not even have it get there the next morning, is ridiculous.

    “I can submit your claim to invoice services,” they say.

    That’s fancy talk for “maybe we’ll give you a refund, if we remember. If.”

    I hang up, defeated.

    Monday the package finally arrives at the destination. My friend was disappointed about it not getting there Saturday, after all, wouldn’t you be if that’s what you were told and you waited outside for something like a kid on Christmas morning?
    I was still livid. No call from FedEx, no further contact, nothing. It was as if it was my fault their employee screwed it up and I had no choice but to live with their failures.

    If I ever require an organ transplant, make damned sure it isn’t through FedEx. Otherwise, it’s cheaper to just buy the damn coffin which you’ll need anyway.

    Weeks later. No correspondence. No apologies. No nothing.

    I call up FedEx hoping for an update.

    Had to ask for a refund again. It was granted. Waiting for card to be credited.

    It’s upsetting that it was their mistake and the only apologies made were that I was inconvenienced.

    It was more than an inconvenience. It was a failure to provide a service correctly. One that was expensive. One where I entrusted them with my dollars to do the job their reputation is built upon.

    To say I’ll never use FedEx again is an understatement.

  • Hey Pink, this is my Dear Mr. President letter

    Photo Oct 17 3 04 53 PM

     

    Sorry Mr. President.

    I’m sorry I can’t “make a donation of $10 or more before midnight”.

    This economy, your economy, has left me with less disposable income than ever before.

    Your policies have made me, a working student, unavailable to afford a donation to your campaign. I’m fortunate to still have a job and still have the opportunity to go to school, unlike so many others these days.

    But those ten dollars will go towards food for me tonight.

    And I know I’m not alone.

    I have so many friends who have played by the rules, gotten college degrees, are paying off their loans, and who still can’t get jobs.

    Whatever’s keeping them afloat are meager savings and contributions from already cash-strapped parents, who have other children to send through college, who are also paying more for gas and basic goods, and who have not received all the magical tax relief you’ve promised.

    It’s all broken promises.

    I remember your first election. I didn’t support you, but I appreciated that you promised positive change.

    But the change has been anything but positive. It was change for the worse.

    We, my generation, will be paying for the debt you’ve rung up in just four years, for the next forty years.

    Once our student loans are paid off, we’ll be paying off expenditures that we will not even have benefitted from.

    And where will those programs be to help us after a life of hard work paying for these programs.

    Mr. President, I know you’re a kind and intelligent man with a beautiful family.

    Why not take the next four years to enjoy them? To watch your daughters grow up before it’s too late?

    The rest of our parents are too busy working to help secure a future for their children and delaying their retirements. Consider yourself fortunate that you have the opportunity to enjoy time with your kids while our parents simply cannot.

    I feel it is rather arrogant for you to ask me to give, when you’ve continued to ask over and over again for so much.

    A 21-year-old in your America,

    Wyatt Torosian