My newest obsession has been Whip-its. Ever since I found out that you could get high from goddamn whipped cream I’ve been fascinated with the concept.
In a Christmas convo, Rich told me about this awesome cookie-in-milk recipe where he puts whipped cream on top of the milk, THEN dunks the cookies.
The man is a fucking genius, but I digress.
What follows is the dialogue of two men who are fascinated with a certain special islet of the periodic table:
R: Of course I have enough whipped cream. I just opened up a new mothafuckin can!
W: Great! Try doing Whip-its. Tell me what it feels like.
R: What’s a Whip-it? *begins to cautiously hum the Devo song*
W: It’s when you put the can up to your mouth and push the switch and inhale deeply and no whipped cream comes out. It’s supposed to get you totally high. Demi Moore does it.
R: 1) You’re trying to kill me. 2) No, I’m not doing that, I just want whipped cream.
W: Of COURSE I’m not trying to kill you! It can’t kill you. It would be like telling you to inhale something harmless like helium or something. Haven’t you ever inhaled helium?
R: Of course I’ve never inhaled helium. And now you’re finding ANOTHER way to try and kill me.
W: Nobody has ever died from helium! It’s totally safe. We used to do it all the time in class…*mumbles on in helium-induced fever dream*
R: What are you talking about? OF COURSE you can die from helium. It keeps oxygen out of your brain and you die!
W: That’s ridiculous. Your brain still gets the same amount of oxygen. This sounds like something a parent told you to keep you from doing it.
R: That sounds plausible. But the oxygen analogy is completely wrong. Suppose you make tea, right? And you put the teabag in water and drink the tea. It still has the same amount of water, but it’s tea. And it can kill you!
W: Ok…fine. But still, *googles* okay…TWO people have died from helium intake from 2000 to 2004. See? Harmless!
R: What are you talking about? THEY DIED!
W: Yeah, but they had gas masks or some shit. I don’t know.
R: Yeah, they did it at parties and then they died.
W: Well they shouldn’t have done it with gas masks, just do it with a frickin balloon.
R: You’re still trying to kill me…
W: Okay, I confess. I just want to hear your funny voices on helium
R: Well you never will. Unless you want to hear my last words. *in helium-voice* “I…learned…it…from…youuuuu….
And this, folks, is why we need to legalize helium.
