I wasn’t planning on watching the State of the Union this evening but every year I always do in the same way I don’t plan on drinking 3 sakebombs in a row on my birthday and then wonder how I woke up on the bathroom floor of the sushi bar.
The entire event is theatre. What was intended to be a written address to Congress outlining detailed policy proposals turned into a grand televised and streamed spectacle where you walk in and shake selected hands, the audience rises and falls depending on if they agree, and you’re allowed to bring a few people to point to in the audience next to your wife for maximum political impact. I mean, come on, what other speech could possibly be so important that if a bomb hits the building they leave someone out of the audience on purpose to keep the country going?
yes folks, we left this guy behind tonight. the President’s got some huge, brass balls
The State of the Union is a speech that’s written for everyone to agree with. As a result, it’s meaningless. It’s not an instruction to Congress—it’s just a note saying “the kids are all right”. And it’s stupid they release it beforehand. If I was President, I’d spring it on people in real time. No teleprompter, one hand-written copy.
Ok maybe typed. I can’t read my own handwriting and I don’t want to embarrass myself on national TV (any more than I already would).
Hmm.
That’s a novel idea.
What’s stopping me from giving a State of the Union address someday?
Why don’t I just get elected President?
Such a speech would probably go just like this:
Good evening America and assembled Congress.
I am proud to report that our country is stable and healthy. While others around the world rise and fall, America remains eternally vibrant and strong.
The fact that we are not in consistent agreement on every matter is a good thing. I won’t take your time tonight to express platitudes that placate. If I wanted to be liked, I’d do stand-up.
Enough about me. This speech is not about me or what I would do. It’s about you. It’s about you contacting your member of Congress and advising them on how this country should run. No matter what happens, the power of this nation resides amongst its people.
I speak to a country that’s at a crossroads tonight.
Many issues face our nation. I’ll begin on the external front.
Our military is stationed around the world to act as a force of good amongst a troubled and dangerous globe. They perform a difficult task—the highest task—and we hold them in the highest gratitude for our service. As we begin to draw down current engagements, we must remind ourselves to engage in the interest of America, our interests, and our allies. And we must ensure our veterans are taken care of upon returning home. I ask that Congress fully funds the appropriate measures to revamp our system of veteran healthcare and transition into civilian life—so no hero is forgotten.
There exist governments around the world on nearly every continent that are in the business of systematically oppressing their people. North Korea. Iran. Venezuela. Zimbabwe. These governments have held onto power for too long. They have blood of innocents on their hands—and they insist on threatening America, our allies, our interests, and their neighbors.
Tonight, I’m announcing that the United States will support any and all legitimate efforts within our interests to begin the process of regime change in these countries. We will not allow countries in the 21st century to deny their citizens the basic rights that we enjoy—as humans and as Americans. To any evil empire that continues to denigrate its people: your days are numbered.
I ask Congress to fund appropriate measures to evaluate the democratic health of the aforementioned countries and any other nation that similarly violates human rights and dignity.
Terrorism is still a real global threat. From Chechnya to Gaza, Nairobi to New Delhi, Islamic extremists and evincers of the worst of humanity continue to wreak havoc and threaten global stability. We cannot—we will not—allow any individual or group—rogue or regime-supported—to snuff out innocent life.
I ask Congress to use all reasonable resource and collaboration to supporting the capture and elimination of these groups. We found and eliminated Osama bin Laden to the benefit of the world. It is not beyond the capability of us or our allies to snuff out any similar harbingers of evil.
The global economy is still reeling from the after-effects of recent events. We have all learned the lesson that we cannot spend money where none exists, borrow money to cover our losses, live outside of our reasonable means, and use government power to enrich corporate wealth. Charity begins at home.
I ask Congress to review the spending of each and every government agency—beginning with congressional and executive staff. I also ask Congress to begin a comprehensive review of every future liability and mandate—starting with Social Security. In a final request on this topic, I ask Congress to support the transition of Social Security and retirement programs for the next generation into private accounts tied directly to individual contribution. There is no reason why Americans should not be allowed to determine the course of their retirement. We cannot tax future generations—our children and grandchildren—into oblivion to fund our current generation. Our young generation should not be a bank—they should be our investment. I will address more reforms for the next generation later in this message. Acts like Medicare and Social Security designed in context decades in the past have run well beyond their intended means—to the point where they now burden and ignore those they are intended to help most.
One of these outdated ideas that has grown well beyond its means or intent is our tax code. Americans—families, small businesses, students, retirees—should be able to prepare their own taxes without outside assistance. We must create a new system of taxation—not based upon penalty, but based upon contribution.
Tonight, I ask Congress to eliminate the existing tax code, deductions included and replace it with a flat tax of 15% for individuals, small businesses, and corporations. Not only will our country receive record revenues, our businesses will be able to operate freely. We can foster a new generation of entrepreneurship, cementing America as the place to take innovative ideas and make them into reality.
Healthcare is a major struggle for many Americans. Our current system provides high-quality care—but at a premium many Americans cannot afford. Many young people don’t want healthcare and won’t pay for it as a result. They especially don’t want to pay for expensive plans that are forced to include conditions that either don’t affect them or they don’t need. Here’s how to lower healthcare costs: instead of restricting a young Californian to the choice of purchasing from just 5 providers in their state—allow them to purchase from across state lines. Knock down state barriers on healthcare and let companies compete. Let insurance providers offer a plan for a 30 year old (catastrophe coverage and yearly physicals), not a 70 year old (hospice care, gout, and dialysis). Give American universities an incentive to develop new, cost-effective treatments to replace expensive, increasingly-common ones.
I ask Congress to eliminate restrictions for all non-military government employees to obtain private insurance. I also ask Congress to allow Americans to purchase a la carte health insurance from the provider of their choice.
Returning to young Americans—we have an education system that is not hitting the mark. It is not the fault of our teachers or our students—it is the fault of onerous requirements and bureaucracy that our education system is not the force it once was. It is not too late. I ask Congress to encourage the Department of Education to decentralize and focus on a state-based education system—eliminating all federal curriculum requirements. We have 50 states in our great Union—50 laboratories for innovation. We want to inspire young people and teach them logic and values—not burden them with tests and reduce them to headcounts. We want to empower good teachers who love to teach—not reward incompetent administrators. Most importantly of all—we shouldn’t allow the government to make educational decisions for our families and young people. I ask Congress to empower families to choose the source of their child’s education—so we can create an educational system that becomes the envy of the world.
We are a nation of immigrants. We are also a nation of law-abiding citizens. We want to encourage the immigration of global citizens who bring hard work, values, and a love for our country to the table. We do not want to empower criminals, terrorists, lawbreakers, or those with a disdain for our country to enter. We also want to ensure that those being persecuted in their homeland have a safe shelter from tyrannical governments.
Therefore, I ask Congress to secure our borders and to overhaul our immigration system—to encourage innovators and the aspirational to come to America and stay—weaving another fiber into our rich American tapestry. I also ask Congress to ensure that those who have attempted to enter and become a part of our country legally take precedence over those who have not. Our modern-day Ellis Island immigrant is not a huddling mass, it is a highly-educated person who wishes to further their education at an American university. Let us not turn these people away from Liberty’s door.
As our hardworking immigrants show, America is a beacon of hope to a turbulent and troubled world. Our two-hundred-thirty-eight-year-old experiment in creating a representative government of the people, by the people, and for the people, ensuring the God-given rights of humanity, has succeeded. It is both humbling and awe-inspiring—and countries around the world continue to look towards our Constitution and system of government as inspiration.
Our strength lies not in the ability of our government to coerce or our physical might. It lies in a family that comes together every evening to share a meal. It lies in a young person taking care of his disabled sibling. It lies in a WWII veteran who travels each year to visit the memorials of his fallen comrades. It lies in a parent praying with their child before bed. It lies in our ability as Americans to meet every challenge, survive every obstacle, and persevere through every hardship.
May God bless you—and may God bless America.
I have to thank President Obama and the nice Republican lady with all the kids for speaking so poorly that they made me take notes on how to make my future State of the Union address that much better.
And time’s running out. I only have 15 years to practice.
