How people telling me to kill myself got me banned from Facebook

If you haven’t read my hit post titled: Charity, Brought to you by Facebook! from yesterday then here’s your chance.

Ok, all caught up?  Good.

A few breezy, late-breaking developments:

1) I was banned from Facebook (for a full 24 hours!) for calling someone a “bully”.

Before I even wrote my post above, I explained how real bullies brag about their humble, HUMBLE charity donations to make you feel crappy about yourself (text below).

Apparently Facebook finds that offensive and has put me in a grown-up time-out, because that’s the world we live in now.

Of course it’s self-reported. Facebook doesn’t monitor profiles for buzzwords or unusual activity then shut people down.

Hell, if they did, the 14 people killed by terrorists in San Bernardino might be alive today.

tfw you accidentally take a picture with the front facing camera

You have to *report* something to Facebook as offensive, then I guess some tribunal body reviews it, then you get put in time out from being able to post.

Mind you, you’re still able to access everything, but heaven forbid you post something for 24 hours.

Needless to say, I think we all know who “reported” me calling someone a bully as “offensive”, which is a sentence I never thought I’d have to say, it sounds super doubleplusungood.

2) More of Dana Amireh’s (Gretchen Wieners’s) friends have responded — and boy, do they have some doozies! (pardon the asterisks, even pottymouths like me have to abide by language restrictions sometimes)

warning: long-azz image ahead, skip past then you can go back to read

Seung-Hui Cho over here wants to shave off my eyebrows to protect an attractive girl he wants to impress.

well hell, it’s cheaper than threading

Ollie Amireh, who is prob related to her (I know “Amireh” is common like “Smith”, but stick with me here) posted an exquisite response calling me “sick” and “twisted”, telling me I’m “disrespectful” and “hideous” (but not in reference to appearance, thank God, I couldn’t live with myself otherwise), with “cold, dead, black insides”, a “negative pr*ck”, all of which culminates in telling me to “remove myself from this world completely”.

thanks for the love, Ollie!

Funny how people with such a hard-on for charity are the first ones to basically tell someone to off themselves!

Sarah Amireh gets in on the action too, calling me “the absolute worst people” because of my name(?), a “sad lil gingerbread man” (the absolute worst Christmas carol), and “that douche canoe from Twitter” (god, I hope when I run away to the circus I’m introduced as such).

If you want to note some gender differences (and who doesn’t?) note the typical male response is coarse/fightin’ words, while the typical female response is a hack attempt at psychology coated in fake pity like a doodie-flavored cake pop.

Apparently people are still trying to dig up that whole attention-whorey meme after the Paris terrorist attacks that basically said “stop paying attention to this tragedy, bad things happen other places too!” because there’s no better way to memorialize those who laid dead on the floor of the Bataclan as “welp, sh*t happens”.

But back to gender differences.  There’s the other kind of male response that isn’t alpha, it’s beta in the most depressing way: desperate white-knighting.

Dalton Runberg (I think this might be a tie-in with the Trumbo movie) calls me a “piece of garbage human being”, “f*cking petty”, a “piece of sh*t” “d*ckbag”.

he sounds like a treat!

But the kicker is when web expert Dalton calls out my “stupid blog”, saying I have “no right to call anyone out for not being “humble” when [Wyatt] has an opinion blog with a URL that is literally just his name.”

oh sh*t, he caught me!  ABORT MISSION 

Apparently Dalton Runberg (former editor-in-chief of The Daily Collegian at Fresno State, now “web guy” with iHeartMedia) is so humble that he doesn’t have an opinion blog, just a site where he literally promotes himself: http://DaltonRunberg.com

You can’t blame a man for self-promotion or trying to get some, but when I want to please myself and feel I’m gonna get lucky I usually do it behind closed doors with Cetaphil and a box of Kleenex.

when you all excited but bae says “i can’t come over right now”

And speaking of masturbation, that’s what this all comes back to.

Publicly bragging about your charitable exploits to make others feel bad is a really disturbing form of masturbation.

That’s the opposite of what charity is supposed to be.

Charity is giving to give, not to get.

If you don’t get enough enjoyment from the act of giving, then do everyone a favor: don’t give.