…or is it?
Hallmark movies are a crucial part of any holiday season (SORRY, WE CAN SAY CHRISTMAS NOW) because they combine the three greatest parts of this time of year:
1. Coziness
2. Predictability
3. Realizing All Hope Is Not Lost
Coziness
There is nothing more cozy than sidling up to a Hallmark Movie, fire roaring, a crippling amount of snacks in hand.
let’s see how my GLP-1 handles THIS
No matter where you are (except Florida) it’s cold this time of year and you really don’t want to brave the winter just to get snacks.
but my DoorDash driver can!
No, you want to sit inside and consume something comforting and mindless.
That’s where Hallmark Movies come in! You get a warm feeling, inside and out.
I pissed the blanket
Predictability
Every story is the same – big city girl who has a bad relationship history goes back to her small town, meets a handsome lumberjack, and gets railed!
No, that’s not Hallmark, that’s those dirty books you women read.
More realistically, she goes back, falls for a local guy who treats her right, realizes her big city life is unfulfilling, falls for the handsome local, looks like she’s going to lose him but then she doesn’t, then they live happily ever after running a candle shop or some shit.
Schitt’s Creek took like 5 seasons to do this
This is every movie. They do not deviate from this format. They may switch genders, they may change situations, but this is the structure of how these movies go. And for a second, you believe she lost the guy. And they just took an hour and a half of your time.
is there a gay one yet
Realizing Not All Hope Is Lost
Face it, we live in a seemingly hopeless world. Everything is expensive, people suck, you get older.
But doctor, if I’m here, and you’re Pagliacci, who’s driving the car?!
The saddest part of the past decade or so (or pretty much any moment since the Recession) is seeing people’s lives literally fall apart.
Mom and dad got divorced during the Recession, we lost our house, brother died in Iraq, mom takes pills, dad got cancer, sister has three kids with three different dads – there’s a variation of this American story, this hillbilly elegy, that played out across the land.
It’s hard to look back and discern the moments when that happens, when there’s still an inflection point that things could have gone better.
And it doesn’t look like it, but life is full of second chances, and third ones too.
The most powerful lesson I’ve learned in the past couple of years is that at any day – any moment – you can start over. You can do something new. You’re not bound by circumstance, or finance. You can get the girl. You can sign the contract. You can make the move.
So of course we, as humans, love to see that portrayed on screen. Everyone’s had heartbreak, from the boomers remembering their first girlfriend at Woodstock to the Zoomers reminiscing over their broken fleshlight.
IT’S NOT A PHASE MOM
A couple of years ago I was down pretty bad (I know, ME, can you imagine?) I quit drinking, my relationship had just blown up, and I realized I just needed to move.
So I got up and walked every single day around my neighborhood.
And every day there was a godforsaken COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS billboard outside the Hallmark Channel offices in my neighborhood. It was mocking me. 93 DAYS. 92 DAYS. 91 DAYS. 90 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE SPENDING IT ALONE.
It had been five years since losing my parents and five days since losing my relationship and all I needed was a reminder by the HALLMARK CHANNEL of all places that yes, I fucked everything up and it was all over.
But you know what? I sacked up, got my life together, spent the season with beloved friends and ended up getting the girl (guy) by New Year’s.
Maybe the Hallmark Channel knows what they’re talking about.
The last time I passed the building it was gone.
The Christmas wreath wasn’t up, the lights weren’t on, the billboard was advertising some gut supplements.
Jamie Lee Curtis I blame you not every product needs to make us shit!
The Hallmark Channel was gone – jobs were tight – and they moved just across the Valley to Burbank.
Life brings extraordinary change – sometimes even when we don’t want it to.
We want life to be cozy, predictable. It isn’t.
It can be harsh and reckless, it can throw us for a curve and laugh in our faces.
But whether you’re the big city career gal or the humble small town lumberjack, or even the douchebag she dated in the big city or the girl the lumberjack knocked up in college – all hope isn’t lost.
hey, when are they making a movie about those two getting together?
The past year has been an extraordinary one, and I have so many stories to share and so many good things that happened.
if somebody would’ve told me a year ago it would get this difficult
If somebody would’ve told me a year ago it would get this good, I wouldn’t have believed them.
After all, why would it?
It’s not like life is a Hallmark Movie.
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