Leave Aaron Schock Alone

Being a young, handsome member of a stuffy body full of saggy old farts isn’t easy.

Take Aaron Schock (R-IL) for example. The kid was elected to Congress at 28, making him the youngest member of that august legislature.

And since the day he was elected, he has gotten a metric shitton of shit. He’s been called stupid, inexperienced, and gay, despite the fact that he started his own IRA at 14, graduated college with a bachelor’s degree in just two years, was elected to school board president and the Illinois legislature at 23–the youngest to do both.

And as far as the 3rd charge is concerned: nobody has come forward with any proof that Aaron Schock is gay. None.

Every single public photo of the man has been analyzed more than the Zapruder film.

Exhibit A: The Preppy Luncheon

Schock is pictured here wearing not one, but *two* pastel colors.

The gays are up in arms. These people–the only people who have kept Fashion Police on the air, mind you–have crucified this man and hung him by his turquoise belt for good measure solely because of this outfit. Memo to the homos: pull up to a country club on a Saturday morning and I’ll bet you can count more men dressed like this than you’ve screwed through Grindr in the past week.

Exhibit B: The Workout Photos

Schock was profiled in Men’s Health because nobody gives a shit about Teddy Kennedy’s workout.

just scotch for me, the lady prefers hers on the rocks with a splash of water

The photos are your typical Men’s Health fare: a dude with a six pack working out:

 

i’ll pause and let my female and gay readers catch up 

There’s something cool about America that we can have a member of Congress who isn’t shaped like a potato.

Unfortunately, these provided more fodder for the grist mill, serving as fapping/bitching materiél for our more estrogen-fueled compadres.

Exhibit C: The Plaid Pants

This one’s a more recent entry posted on Schock’s FB page after meeting with a supporter.  If plaid pants are gay, then your grandpa is probably gay.

Exhibit D: The Pic That Started It All

The first in the canon of Schock photography, this was the photo that sent the homos humping away at the gates like a Westboro Baptist Church rendition of Sodom and Gomorrah.  Idk how laying back in a woman’s breasts while wearing swim trunks and a lascivious grin is proof of Schock being gay.

But, as the conspiracy is feverishly explained, he put this picture out there so you DON’T think he’s gay.

Aha!

Here’s an idea: why don’t we take these conspiracy theorists and put them at Ground Zero with the World Trade Center conspiracy theorists and cover them with a thick layer of steel.  Then let’s crash a *flaming* jet fuel-soaked wrecking ball into the steel (let’s get Miley ON this people…) and see if it melts.

If it doesn’t melt–they were right!

If it does melt–they were wrong.

Either way, they will form a fine bouillabaisse of useless individuals that tend to make everyone’s lives and society as a whole a little worse.

And the final bit of evidence as the defense in this ridiculous case:

No amount of hush-money could be paid off to someone that has evidence of a gay hookup with a straight Republican congressman that couldn’t be matched or exceeded by TMZ, the Enquirer, the Democratic National Committee, or any other rich asshole.

Five years since the man took the oath of office and this is the best that the lynch mob can come up with:

here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let’s just say from Illinois, is gay… and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower… together. now they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. but there’s more. what if this congressman has also been caught by tmz cameras trolling gay bars.

Here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a group of catty gay journalists, livid at the fact that Schock is a handsome, successful, young rising Republican star who isn’t in favor of same-sex marriage and voted against ending DADT, decide to “out” him based on the evidence that…a “friend” saw him in the shower with a dude and “tmz cameras” caught him “trolling gay bars” despite the fact that TMZ has published no evidence of this and would make it a blaring headline feature in a Chicago minute if they even got a long-range-lens 8-bit Polaroid of him within 2 acres of a gay establishment?

Let me be perfectly clear: hounding a figure public or private about their sexuality is nearly as homophobic as physically assaulting a gay person.

That’s right folks: gay people can be homophobic.

The same people who’d be up in arms over Mathew Shepard’s murder and Alan Turing’s homosexuality conviction are perfectly fine harassing individuals that either A) disagree with them B) they want to fuck C) A and B.

Schock falls in the unfortunate position of C.  If he is gay, then the “anti-bullying” campaigners bullying him should be ashamed of themselves for forcing a man deeper into the closet–completely unaware that they too were likely once in the same position they’ve put him in.  If he isn’t gay, then the “anti-bullying” campaigners bullying him should be ashamed of themselves for  judging a man based on his choice of dress and personal characteristics–completely unaware that they too were likely once in the same position they’ve put him in.

Don’t believe me?  Check out what the founder of the celebrity-studded “It Gets Better” anti-bullying project had to say:

1. Get elected attacking gay people and support brutally homophobic policies once elected while also behaving in stereotypically gay ways?

2. Prepare to be hoisted by your own homophobic petard, asshole. No sympathy for those victimized by the homophobia they work to advance.

For those of you at home: Rep. Schock has not committed a single homophobic act.  Voting against same-sex marriage or DADT is not “brutally homophobic”–it’s what his constituency wants (in a state where civil unions equal to marriage is the law).

Physically threatening a sitting congressman who is private about his sexuality?

That’s brutally homophobic, asshole.

Referring back to the Sodom (named after sodomy) & Gomorrah (named after an even weirder move) story from earlier: allow me to be Lot.  Take my wife, please.  

And leave Aaron Schock alone.