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  • My 6th Grade Teacher was Cooler than Yours

    Let’s just start by getting this out of the way: my 6th grade teacher was leaps and bounds cooler than yours.

    Imagine a dude who was around 6’4″-6’5″.  Easily pushing past 300lbs.  Voice deep enough to make Barry White shudder.

    That was Mr. Cohagan, or Mr. C as he was affectionately known.

    He was the kind of man who would walk around campus, the grocery store, the movie theatre, anywhere and spot some little punk-ass kid with his hat on backwards, pick up the little sonofabitch by his cap, and turn it back around, saying, “that’s the way it was meant to be worn, son.”  Imagine John Wayne as Mr. C and that’s about as close as you’ll get without having met him.

    He didn’t have class, he held court.  Our desks were arranged in a semi-circle around him, where he would bellow loud enough for kids three doors down to hear.

    His classroom was like a miniature Smithsonian.  Every fossil, rock, marine life, paleontology item you could imagine coated every surface of the class, every wall was pasted over with layers of marine posters and graphs, all punctuated by an enormous taxidermied shark literally coming out of the wall.  Between these relics and the years and years of Glade plug-ins, the room acquired a wholly unique aroma that seeped into the hallways.  The first few days it was off-putting.  By the end of the year it felt like home.

    His class had a soundtrack.  Three CDs that played on a loop to where you knew every song by heart before Christmas (NOT WINTER) break: Remember the Titans soundtrack, O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack, and the Coyote Ugly soundtrack.  Any of his ex-students could kick ass at karaoke for any of those songs now–we all know the words by heart.

    I could say he made learning fun, but I would be lying.  He didn’t just make it fun, he made it a journey that was engaging, passionate, memorable.  He wasn’t a “by-the-book” guy.  He made up his own materials, his own curriculum, his own class–which chafed against the anally-retentive, federal-funds-seeking administration (namely Principal Uyeno, whose presence eventually caused Mr. C to retire when he still had a few years left in him.  Hope that $3000 rug for the front office paid for with federal funds and your St. John’s stretch pants worked out well for you.)  His class became the most popular and difficult to get into at the school–and it was all luck of the draw.  That of course pissed administrators off.  Why, everyone should be equal!  How dare a teacher go above and beyond!  We want each child to receive an equally mediocre education (teaching the standardized tests).  Mr. C staved them off as long as he could, providing his class as an experience for kids to learn and not minding how many kids were in it.  His departure a year later caused the entire school to suffer–after all, he opened the damn thing two decades earlier.

    September 11th happened just days into that year of class.  I remember my mom waking me up to show me the TV and seeing the horror unfold.  We showed up to class in a daze, some late, all anxious.  We didn’t know about the world.  We knew there was just an election and that nobody liked Bill Clinton or Al Gore.  As we all sat, Mr. C lumbered up to the front of the class with his traditional gait.  He looked up solemnly and then away–unusual for a man who would look you in the eye to the point where you’d piss your pants–and said that “things just aren’t gonna be the same” after what happened that day.  It sounds paradoxical, but it was comforting to see an authority figure address what was going on in adult terms instead of lying and telling us everything would be ok like the “grief counselors” and other bullshit artists who pretend like they know how to deal with kids.

    Like the movie “October Sky”, he helped us build rockets in class (which are likely against some bullshit regulation these days along with banning tag and kickball and everything that makes being a kid fun).  He gave us weeks to work on our rockets and build them however we wanted.  But when we tested them, we learned an important lesson–simplest was best.  My Finship Fantastica went at a diagonal into the dirt.   The one that was fooled-with-the-least soared into the sky, at least into flying altitude.  That lesson alone prepared me for physics–in my senior year of high school.  Mr. C’s lessons were simply innovative.  He didn’t think we had to learn 6th-grade-stuff in 6th grade.  He believed it was best we learned more complex things earlier while our brains were still growing and malleable than as disillusioned teens.

    We also had to collect insects.  Literally, like 50 insects and put them in a box to explain what each one was.  Note to 6th grade self–avoid the crickets because they stink like hell.  Ants smell like Pine-Sol.  And for God’s sake, don’t scrounge around the garage the morning of because you’re 20 bugs behind.

    We watched Bill Nye, we read “Harrison Bergeron”, we created our own countries, we had the “growing up” talk–we got an education that studying for a mind-numbing standardized test would have robbed us of.

    Before our Sonora camping trip, affectionately referred to by the hardworking and stressed Parent Club moms as a “Dads Trip!”, the dads asked Mr. C at the school PTA meeting if they could bring a little wine and some appetizers to enjoy after the kids went to bed.  Mr. C told them “now…we can’t do that”, but after the meeting came up and said, “I’ll bring the cigars”.

    At the end of the year, we had planned to go to Asilomar Beach to check out the tidepools–to see firsthand these little pockets of diverse life we had studied with such fervor.  Mr. C was incredibly excited about the trip he took his class on every year, until the school scuttled it due to scheduling conflicts.  I’ve never seen a grown man look so disappointed as he when he had to inform us we couldn’t go.

    I remember kids going into his class being painfully shy.  The kind of kids who would cower if you so much as spoke a word in their direction.  Their social hesitance was no match for Mr. C, who would literally reach in and drag words out of them.  By the end of the year he turned the agoraphobic into chatty Cathy’s.

    That quality also made him one hell of a football coach (unlike the other coach, Mr. Armendariz, the anti-Mr. C: a gladhanding, administration-suckling, corner-cutter who didn’t give a shit about his class or kids in general).  We were damn lucky to have an ex-49er lineman teaching a bunch of kids more interested in picking clover to play against the tough kids from the other side of the tracks (Pinedale, Nelson).

    Mr. C’s favorite line: “my grandmother can run faster than you, and she’s dead.”  He would never miss a beat–and had a laugh that could echo through an open field like it were Carlsbad Caverns.  My buddy Jared Deaver got the grandmother quip a lot amongst others, mostly because he was a slow fat fuck and deserved it.  But I’ll be damned if he didn’t run faster by the end of the year.

    Mr. C retired the year after our class, and the field was named in his honor.  As a last dig, Principal Uyeno put up an $80 QuickSign that said “Cohagan Field” instead of springing for something a little more long-lasting.  Last time I drove by Valley Oak, the sign was down.  Thanks, you bitch.

    “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” came on at Starbucks earlier and I began to tear up thinking about Mr. C and what a positive effect he had on my life.  He was the kind of man a kid could look up to and say, “I want to be him someday.”  And he’s the kind of man who could look down at you, hand on shoulder, and say “son, if you work hard, you can be anything you want.”

    I was consumed with grief upon hearing about Mr. C’s passing a year and a half ago.  When we were in middle school, he had a severe boating accident that he miraculously survived.  Luckily, he got a few more years to enjoy his well-deserved retirement, and to go back to his true passion besides teaching–fishing and becoming a new grandfather.

    We all had teachers growing up that inspired us to learn a little more, work a little harder, and light the fire on that intellectual curiosity that blazes for a lifetime.  I’ve had my share of good teachers, and great teachers, but Mr. C was in a league of his own.  Rest in peace as you fish that heavenly lake, and know that you influenced a generation of kids to become superlative adults.

     

  • Amanda Bynes is back in LA and already starting trouble…

    I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty fucking STOKED Amanda Bynes is back in LA.

    The worst thing she did here was just drive around aimlessly and get tickets (the official LA pastime).

    In New York there was the broken bong vase, the arrest, the Drake tweets, her vagina getting slapped (not in that order), and a cancer charity’s worth of ratchet-ass wigs.

    So we’re happy to have her back…and not a moment too soon:

    According to the cab driver … Amanda was trying to get into an old folks home in Thousand Oaks — outside L.A. — when management at the place turned her away because they felt she was drunk and accused her of trespassing.
    However, the retirement community was nice enough to call a taxi for Amanda — but when she got into the cab she said … “Get me the f**k out of here … I don’t have any money.” Naturally, the driver kicked her out at that point.

    Honestly, how can you tell the difference between an old folks home and a home that belongs to old folks in Thousand Oaks?  She was probably just trying to visit her parents.

    Then shit got real when the MAN had to get his nightstick all up in that moistness:

    Law enforcement sources tell us, the fire department responded to the home in Thousand Oaks, CA around 9pm — near where Amanda was just accused of trespassing — after someone noticed the small blaze in the driveway. The sheriff’s department was subsequently called when Amanda was found standing near the campfire.

    This must have confused the hell out of the geezers.  They probably thought she was a witch.

    When sheriff’s deputies arrived, they questioned Amanda about what she was doing, and why she was doing it — and based on her answers, they determined she needed to be hospitalized on a 5150 hold. Translation: her answers were really wacky.

    How many more ex-child stars are we going to lock away?

    In all honesty…it’s a real tragedy.  We lost another hot piece of ass to the crazies.

    You know what?  I’m a charitable guy.

    I dropped a dime once and didn’t pick it up.

    I told my friend’s ex she was “not ugly”.

    I’m going to start a “Save the Still-Barely-Bangable 90s Stars” charity.

    Lindsay Lohan will be there.  As will Britney Spears.

    Miley Cyrus will not.  (Not arrested yet, not in the 90s, not worth saving)

    Because we can’t keep letting this shit happen:

    then…

    now…

     

  • “Old Arab” Helen Thomas Dead at 92

    “Old Arab” Helen Thomas is dead at the spry age of 92, likely under suspicious circumstances. Between this and the Glee kid, who’ll be the third celebrity to drop? *crosses fingers for a member of Menudo*

    She was the first female member of the White House Press Corps, mostly because they just couldn’t get her to go away. Serving in every administration since Polk Kennedy, Thomas was known for her hard-hitting and often-rambling seven-part questions.

    Bringing to the press corps all the casual racism of your senile great aunt along with the sex appeal of your senile great aunt, Thomas was finally let go from her seat just feet away from the President after telling Jews to “get the hell out of Palestine” and go back to Poland.  So clearly, “the Jews” had no choice but to take her out.

    In all seriousness, it’s sad to see her go. She’s one of those things you expect to last forever, like dirt or a Big Mac. She always reminded me of my grandmother of the same age (hardworking, shriveled, loud, unhinged, they may be the same exact person) who continues to keep on truckin.

    We can all learn one thing from Helen’s life—you need to live long enough for Presidents to personally bring you a cake every birthday—no matter how crazy you get.

    RIP, Helen.

  • What’s your excuse?

    I used to hate running. Hatehatehate it.

    They always made us run the mile. Fuck that shit. When in life are you ever going to have to run a mile? If you’re being chased by a robber, you think he’s gonna stop and keel over after just a mile?

    Well, if you rob a Waffle House, maybe.

    Otherwise, it’s a useless life skill.

    They would use it to test “fitness”, which is one of those vague and ambiguous terms like “gifted” and “Tex-Mex” and “not tonight”.

    I knew kids who were awesome sprinters in Track & Field—some of the fastest people in the state. They tried running a mile and made it like, 5 yards.

    It’s a bizarre one-size-fits-all measurement of how “fit” you are.

    Cross Country was the first school-official “team” sport I was on. And I sucked. It must be awful for a parent to have to see your kid run in a circle to win a trophy, especially when your kid wins at “almost dead last” barely outpacing the kids with polio.

    In the years since I was frequently the last-place arm-shuffler puffing on an inhaler and being outrun by the fat kids walking, I haven’t had an opportunity nor a desire to run.

    Then one day I was feeling like crap.

    Literally, miserable and crappy.

    My insides had liquefied into shit.

    A friend told me I should go for a run to calm down and clear my head.

    I scoffed.

    “SCOFF”, I said. “How will me making myself feel worse make myself feel better?!”

    Eventually I relented, and put on the weightless feels-like-you’re-wearing-newspaper-on-your-toes-or-some-shit-running-shoes I had bought a year ago and started running around my block.

    For some reason, I started feeling pretty okay. I wasn’t wheezing and cramping.

    I pushed myself a little further, and a little further, and afterward, I felt amazing. High. Sweaty as all hell but loving it.

    I was immediately suspicious.

    This had to be some sort of a trap.

    I tried it again, and got the same results.

    Eventually I built myself up to run almost every day for about 15-30 minutes.

    I learned that, apparently, running makes you feel the same endorphins as crying, and can actually boost your mood instead of allowing you to wallow in it.

    Which is why this lady must be the happiest woman on earth:

    On Sunday, [41-year-old Annette Fredskov of Næstved] completed a full year in which she ran a marathon every single day. That’s 42.195 kilometres every single day, regardless of weather or exhausted legs. And on the final day, she upped the ante and ran two.

    It puts my 15 minutes or so a day to shame and lots of people’s “sit at home and watch Duck Dynasty with hand in crotch” really to shame.

    Kudos to Annette.

    And it just goes to show—if my coughing, hacking, side-stitching, bone-idle ass can start to enjoy running—so can yours.

  • What’s your excuse?

    I used to hate running. Hatehatehate it.

    They always made us run the mile. Fuck that shit. When in life are you ever going to have to run a mile? If you’re being chased by a robber, you think he’s gonna stop and keel over after just a mile?

    Well, if you rob a Waffle House, maybe.

    Otherwise, it’s a useless life skill.

    They would use it to test “fitness”, which is one of those vague and ambiguous terms like “gifted” and “Tex-Mex” and “not tonight”.

    I knew kids who were awesome sprinters in Track & Field—some of the fastest people in the state. They tried running a mile and made it like, 5 yards.

    It’s a bizarre one-size-fits-all measurement of how “fit” you are.

    Cross Country was the first school-official “team” sport I was on. And I sucked. It must be awful for a parent to have to see your kid run in a circle to win a trophy, especially when your kid wins at “almost dead last” barely outpacing the kids with polio.

    In the years since I was frequently the last-place arm-shuffler puffing on an inhaler and being outrun by the fat kids walking, I haven’t had an opportunity nor a desire to run.

    Then one day I was feeling like crap.

    Literally, miserable and crappy.

    My insides had liquefied into shit.

    A friend told me I should go for a run to calm down and clear my head.

    I scoffed.

    “SCOFF”, I said. “How will me making myself feel worse make myself feel better?!”

    Eventually I relented, and put on the weightless feels-like-you’re-wearing-newspaper-on-your-toes-or-some-shit-running-shoes I had bought a year ago and started running around my block.

    For some reason, I started feeling pretty okay. I wasn’t wheezing and cramping.

    I pushed myself a little further, and a little further, and afterward, I felt amazing. High. Sweaty as all hell but loving it.

    I was immediately suspicious.

    This had to be some sort of a trap.

    I tried it again, and got the same results.

    Eventually I built myself up to run almost every day for about 15-30 minutes.

    I learned that, apparently, running makes you feel the same endorphins as crying, and can actually boost your mood instead of allowing you to wallow in it.

    Which is why this lady must be the happiest woman on earth:

    On Sunday, [41-year-old Annette Fredskov of Næstved] completed a full year in which she ran a marathon every single day. That’s 42.195 kilometres every single day, regardless of weather or exhausted legs. And on the final day, she upped the ante and ran two.

    It puts my 15 minutes or so a day to shame and lots of people’s “sit at home and watch Duck Dynasty with hand in crotch” really to shame.

    Kudos to Annette.

    And it just goes to show—if my coughing, hacking, side-stitching, bone-idle ass can start to enjoy running—so can yours.

  • Why Gatorade’s BETTER…

    Growing up *rocking chair creaks back and forth* I remember when Gatorade used to be a sports drink.

    You played football in 100-degree weather, and then drank Gatorade for your electrolytes.

    After 9 holes of golf, Gatorade was a treat to get you through the other 9.

    Gatorade kept the sauna-dryness of the tennis court from zapping you of your will to live.

    But now, Gatorade is just a drink for fat kids who can’t drink soda because they took it out of their school’s vending machines.

    I sure as hell can’t drink Gatorade just by itself on a day I’ve spend unexerted, indoors, and in my concerningly-sexy-PJs.

    That’s why Propel is infinitely better, because it’s just water with a hint of sweetness, instead of Gatorade’s simple syrup with a hint of cloying diabetes.

  • Why running into an old hookup is awesome

    Is there a protocol for addressing an old hookup in public?

    Do you smile?

    Divert your gaze?

    Throw your hands up and flail while staring them directly in the eyes?

    It depends on the regret you feel now.

    For girls, there’s a 99% chance she regrets hooking up with you (even if she initiated it and was totally into it.)

    That’s because girls *pulls down projection screen* have a *keeps yanking on projection screen* unique to them *rips projection screen from wall* Guilt Gland™ which makes them regret everything: that last pint of Ben and Jerry’s, every ex-boyfriend, making out with you in the Kmart bathroom, the pint of Ben and Jerry’s before that one, and calling Teresa a bitch (even though she, like, totally deserved it).

    Guys are generally guilt-free unless she was a complete bowser, or if she was with your best friend.

    So when I sat down at late night Starbucks to get some work done, imagine my surprise when I looked across the table and saw this crazy Indian girl I hooked up with.

    I immediately had flashbacks of when she threw me against the hood of an Oldsmobile to make out, and later that evening tackled then straddled my best friend, breaking a futon in some stranger’s apartment.

    Back to the Starbucks table: I chatted up her friend and she joined in, progressively staring at me more and more.

    I ignored her and continued with my work, so she chatted up a dude next to me—a fellow ginger no less—and continued to look over and stare, occasionally readjusting her position at the table to push up her admittedly-ample cleavage.

    And then the crazy started to leak out.

    She kept acting more and more interested in the other ginger, who was trying to slowly exit the conversation. She kept saying how amazing it was that they had friends in common.  She kept asking him about his hometown.  The word “such a coincidence!” dripped from her lips as she leaned more and more in his direction, causing him to consistently retreat from the table.

    I smelled two things: fear to my left, and desperation from across the table.

    Also some BO, but it wasn’t me and it was probably the shirtless homeless guy who kept wandering in and talking about a train.

    I went to get a tea refill, and just 3 minutes later he was gone. With a final stare, she left just moments later with her friend, loudly announcing how she was going to go meet some drunk friends and “catch up” to them while looking towards me once more.

    To see her squirm was worth far more than the admission price of a tall Tazo tea.

    Ahh, college. I REGRET NOTHING

     

  • The magical Starbucks dwarf

    Starbucks in LA is basically the caffeinated modern marketplace.

    Rich, poor, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, every kind of person you can imagine goes to Starbucks.

    You see it all: the homeless guy still asleep on the outdoor patio furniture, the old lady tutor puffing the e-cigarette, students working on last-minute projects, Kimora Lee Simmons, the senior citizen who ferociously occupies the same table, office workers happy to be away from their Mussolinian boss, everyone.

    I happened to be there on a Sunday morning early (the heathen hour) and it was wonderful. I had a cup of coffee in hand, a disappearing hangover, and a table to myself.

    When all of a sudden, I hear this gravelly voice speaking Spanish.

    It didn’t sound like a human voice.

    It sounded like an alien impersonating a human voice.

    I looked around, concerned at this development (Zeta Reticulans had landed and chose THIS Starbucks to land at, why couldn’t they have chosen the shitty one on Montana without the deluxe Clover brewing system) and noticed that it was a dwarf.

    whatever you do KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE CHILDRENS

    She wasn’t a midget. At least I don’t think so. Midgets are cool. I put a midget on a Segway once and it was the greatest moment of my life (but that’s another story for another day.  Now fetch me my pipe & slippers, knave!)

    No, she was a dwarf. In stretched-to-the-limit leggings. Which makes me wonder if she bought children’s leggings and hoped they’d stretch or adult leggings and cut them down to size.

    Anyway, I got back to my work but I kept hearing that haunting voice. It sounded like some sort of crypt keeper or when people talk in tongues at an Alabama revival. It sounded sinister.

    She was drinking a Venti coffee (the really big one) and it was fascinating, I guess ordering a “Tall” was debasing or something.

    Then…she stared at me.

    Never has my soul felt more…threatened.

    Those beady eyes, and that gravelly voice screeching out Spanish were too much to bear. I was convinced this was the Anti-Rapture or sumth.

    save yourself

    I had to leave.

    Now normally, I don’t judge people.

    But she just kept staring at me. Snatching away years of my life with a single glance. The burden became too much to bear.

    I really hope she does parties, because I know a few people who really should have their s**t scared on their birthdays.

  • The magical Starbucks dwarf

    Starbucks in LA is basically the caffeinated modern marketplace.

    Rich, poor, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, every kind of person you can imagine goes to Starbucks.

    You see it all: the homeless guy still asleep on the outdoor patio furniture, the old lady tutor puffing the e-cigarette, students working on last-minute projects, Kimora Lee Simmons, the senior citizen who ferociously occupies the same table, office workers happy to be away from their Mussolinian boss, everyone.

    I happened to be there on a Sunday morning early (the heathen hour) and it was wonderful. I had a cup of coffee in hand, a disappearing hangover, and a table to myself.

    When all of a sudden, I hear this gravelly voice speaking Spanish.

    It didn’t sound like a human voice.

    It sounded like an alien impersonating a human voice.

    I looked around, concerned at this development (Zeta Reticulans had landed and chose THIS Starbucks to land at, why couldn’t they have chosen the shitty one on Montana without the deluxe Clover brewing system) and noticed that it was a dwarf.

    whatever you do KEEP IT AWAY FROM THE CHILDRENS

    She wasn’t a midget. At least I don’t think so. Midgets are cool. I put a midget on a Segway once and it was the greatest moment of my life (but that’s another story for another day.  Now fetch me my pipe & slippers, knave!)

    No, she was a dwarf. In stretched-to-the-limit leggings. Which makes me wonder if she bought children’s leggings and hoped they’d stretch or adult leggings and cut them down to size.

    Anyway, I got back to my work but I kept hearing that haunting voice. It sounded like some sort of crypt keeper or when people talk in tongues at an Alabama revival. It sounded sinister.

    She was drinking a Venti coffee (the really big one) and it was fascinating, I guess ordering a “Tall” was debasing or something.

    Then…she stared at me.

    Never has my soul felt more…threatened.

    Those beady eyes, and that gravelly voice screeching out Spanish were too much to bear. I was convinced this was the Anti-Rapture or sumth.

    save yourself

    I had to leave.

    Now normally, I don’t judge people.

    But she just kept staring at me. Snatching away years of my life with a single glance. The burden became too much to bear.

    I really hope she does parties, because I know a few people who really should have their s**t scared on their birthdays.

  • When “Paleo” dieting goes too far…

    I don’t really understand the idea of the Paleo diet—known as eating how the cavemen ate.

    None of them are around to tell us how to eat, so I’m not so sure we should be listening to them.

    Nonetheless, I support the idea of eating meat and fresh foods and always have, long before it got a label and a cult following.

    I say ‘cult’ following because things have gotten so out of control that you’ve now got people refusing to even be photographed with “processed food” because it’s against their beliefs, like all of a sudden they’re going to grow another chin just because there’s a snapshot of some peanut butter crackers in their vicinity.

    Watch what happens when I question a woman who went completely overboard with this idea—and was actually supported by equally-unbalanced followers.

    Enjoy!

    crazypaleo

    UPDATE: Check out the Facebook message I immediately received from Claire Rebecca, who sent it then blocked me to be anonymous (sneaky!)

    Photo Jun 25 11 22 08 AM