As those of who you follow my Instastories know (god I’m sorry you have to see those), I’ve recently become obsessed with Marie Kondo and her whole tidying up routine.
For those who haven’t seen the show (including me!) it’s about sifting through the clutter and identifying things that no longer serve you, and letting them go with gratitude. For example, she’ll have a couple empty their entire closet onto the bed, followed by the inevitable shock that people have all this STUFF. (Yes I haven’t seen the show, but goddammit I read the Atlantic piece on it.)
When it comes to identifying what stays and what goes, the key is identifying if the object in question brings you joy (longtime listeners of Adam Carolla know the maxim “does it make you money or make you happy?” in choosing how to spend your time).
For things that don’t bring you joy, you thank them for their service and let them go with gratitude.
The mindset helps people understand the sentimentality held towards objects – for example, if it was given to them as a gift, or by a loved one who’s now gone. And unless the item is utilized or displayed, it can usually be let go – instead of shoved unlovingly in the back of a walk-in closet.
I had already drawn a line in the sand late last year and said that 2019 would be a year of minimalism, much as 2018 was a year of excessivism and maximalism. It’s been an exhausting amount of work getting rid of everything I don’t need anymore: clothes, furniture, and so on.
I can confidently say I don’t miss a thing I got rid of/sold/donated. So I scaled up and sold four cars – projects I wanted to fix up and keep around for a little bit, fun vehicles. Paying all those registrations was silly, and I still have 1-2 more to go (in varying stages of disrepair). Walking around with a janitor’s loop of keys was silly. Holding onto anxiety about where to park them and when to avoid tickets was silly.
Next was disposing of habits that no longer served me. Nail-biting may have worked as a way to channel anxiety and stress as a kid, but as an adult it’s a crippling habit, worse than smoking. I also started going to therapy to identify thought patterns that were sapping my energy. Of note were self-reinforcing anxieties – existing fears I unconsciously manifested in order to keep those fears relevant. I’m untangling iron strands of spaghetti torqued into knots.
I’ve joked that the cult of Marie Kondo would lead to a mindset of eliminating people who no longer brought you joy, yet here we are.
I could easily identify friends I had a great time with at one point or other in my life that I still felt heartstring attachment to. But what had we done lately? Had we grabbed a bite to eat? Had a nice chat? Even checked in with each other at all?
Or maybe we’d had an argument and just put things on ice – too wistful to end the conversation, but too embittered to continue it?
What’s helped me is expressing radical positivity – wishing the best for all, even those who I’ve felt “did me wrong” at some point or another. Sometimes this wish was sent, sometimes it was just put out into the universe. It’s helped me to let go of a great deal of anger, resentment, feeling trapped by a portion of my thoughts occupied with the voices of those long gone.
All I know is loyalty, so to do this brings me great sorrow. I don’t know letting go of people, you forgive and move on, forgive and move on, argue and fight and battle and at the end of the day, you still have each other.
But what happens when it’s entirely one-sided? When you’re fighting for something the other person doesn’t want, or doesn’t want to the degree of doing anything about it, or still holds on to their resentments too deeply? What then?
I’m learning the art of letting go.
As painful as it’s been, and as delicious as the concept is of wanting to just end this process, something came to mind that felt sharable, in the event it could help others:
“You can’t lift someone with a broken arm. You can’t love someone with a broken heart.”
I’m not of service to anyone if I’m limping along – I’m giving them hope I can help and just making things worse. Realizing my limitations has been a difficult process, but it’s oddly freeing. I see the boundaries of what I can do and what I can’t do, what I’m good at and where my abilities and capabilities stop.
And it’s opened doors to the “meant to be” things in your life. If you’re meant to live in a certain place, a door will open. Or have a certain thing – it will find you. Or have a certain person in your life, they’ll fight to be there.
It’s equally dizzying and petrifying to let something out of your control. It’s horrifying that your perspective towards it was one of control.
It’s the only way, for better or for worse, to grow.
