**NOTE: The following is the first in a two-part series about my trip to the Windy City. It actually wasn’t that windy, so whoever said that it was is full of crap.**
UNIMAGINABLY EARLY HOUR, MY BEDROOM
Bring: phone, wallet, ID, charging cords
Leave home: pen shaped like hypodermic needle, mini Ak-47-shaped lighter, vitamins that could be mistaken for more questionable pills
A FEW MINUTES LATER, LIVING ROOM
Dad: “are you ready yet? Can I take your suitcase down to the car?”
Me: “yes, I just have to put in my contacts.”
Dad: “in your eyes?”
Me: “yes.”
Dad: “oh my god.”
4:38AM HOLYFUCKINSHITITS SO EARLY, MY DRIVEWAY
It’s 4:38AM and it’s 80 degrees #wtfresno
FRESNO AIR TERMINAL (FAT) <–(yes, really)
They really shouldn’t be playing “1000 Miles” over the speakers here. It’s bad advertising.
If I could walk 1000 miles I’d much rather do that than take a damn airplane.
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Aaaaaand now the official dehumanization process begins
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So if you’re under 12 or over 75 you don’t have to remove your shoes? They’re already profiling, why can’t they keep an eye out for swarthy, young Muslim men?
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BODYSCANNNNNNN
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Oh wow…the new Buick Verano. I can’t wait until the future when there’s hover cars here on display and I say “wow, I wish the doors had lasers or something”
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Dear airport CPK: how does a panini take 8 minutes to make?! Did you overload the George Foreman grill?
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Owwww hot burning panini gotta board plane ow eggs sausage n cheese 🙁
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Considering getting a boarding pass tattooed to my femur
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Aw crap it’s a fat lady pilot
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*engage forced air induction spigot*
WHOOOOOOOOOOSH
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At LAX: I could swear I saw John Spencer at the terminal. Except that he’s been dead since 2005.
Allegedly.
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New game: identify the high maintenance and the bitchy. Will make the rest of the ride easier if I know who will create the most fuss
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Open seat? YAY EXTRA SPAYCE
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Bloody Mary time!
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Fuckin shitty paid wifi.
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girl sitting in window seat…what do you mean you have to go to the bathroom? I have a boner and it’s going to be uncomfortable for both of us if I stand up. Sonofabatch
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Second bloody mary time!
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Peeing in first class bathroom. Stickin it to the man.
Unintentch boner makes a cumback.
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Oh god the girl next to me is knitting. KNITTING. What is this, 1873?
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Shit. Fasten seatbelt sign. I have to pee.
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Me to flight attendant: “can I use the restroom real quick?”
FA: “well, the fasten seatbelt sign is on. so you can…at your own risk.”
Ominous.
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Returned from restroom. Risk was worth reward.
A worse risk would’ve been me pissing my shorts.
**END TRANSMISSION**