Republican Debate One – Liveblog

It’s time for a presidential debate!

*sigh*

Why is 2015 here already? Wasn’t it just 2012? Why do we have to do this crap all over again?

I used to like debates.  I used to like the fact that we could watch people actually go in-depth with issues and maybe, MAYBE…learn something.

But that doesn’t happen anymore.

It’s a couple of talking points and some boasts here in there and then we all have to sit around and pretend like we like this people better or worse based on their ability to bark out answers like dogs.

Dystopia aside, here’s my liveblog of this terrible event.

**I started late because I couldn’t get a halfazz decent liveblog feature going because the Fox one shut down, but thank goodness for

6:21 KASICH tie down his arms, he’s waving around like one of those inflatable car lot guys

6:25 TRUMP: “if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be talking about illegal immigration” he’s right you now

Each of these questions is carefully designed to bring out the worst moment of someone’s recent past that most people hit them over the head with and that’s smart.

6:34 CRUZ said “Washington Cartel”.  Drink.

6:36 MEGYN KELLY has makeup turned up to 11.  My God.  One more lash of mascara and she looks like a drag queen.

6:36 CHRISTIE “I was appointed attorney general September 10, 2001” CONSPIRACY *rings bell repeatedly

6:37 PAUL needs to take the volume down about 3 tones

CHRISTIE needs to go over and give PAUL a suplex

PAUL: “you gave Obama a hug!”

CHRISTIE “the hugs that I remember are the hugs I gave to families on September 11th”

CHRISTIE +1

6:40 CRUZ “Radical. Islamic. Terrorism.” was the worst of the Mission Impossible franchises imho

6:42 BUSH “knowing what we know now” is the stupidest thing you could say. You don’t back down from Iraq.  Your answer is weak.  You are weak.

“I called every one of them.  Every one of them I could find” –a few veteran’s families specifically hid from being called apparently.

6:44 CARSON sounds a lot less confident than when he has prepared remarks.  He sounds like he’s breaking a cancer diagnosis every single time.

6:50 TRUMP “I gave to Hillary and she came to my wedding” heheh that was good.

6:50 HUCKABEE needs to use a little Just for Men…

*side note: THIS LIVESTREAM SUCKS EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE* now back to your regular broadcasting

6:52 BUSH completely sidesteps the Common Core question talking about education in general.  Desperate.

6:53 RUBIO has enormous ears.  “Huge”, says Trump.

*commercial break*

Harlan Ullman, Senior Advisor of the Atlantic Council (whatever/whomever that is) is providing terrible advice via a sketchy Skype connection to the Sky News anchor.  This is the best we can do?  All he’s doing is moaning about “gotcha” questions.

7:00 I miss Herman Cain.

7:01 KASICH talking about balancing budgets.  Smart.  It’s his strength.

He also joins “America” with “miracle” to make “Amiracle”.

7:01 CARSON “IF Hillary is the candidate, which I doubt” ooh, catty

cites the Alinsky model, who’s one of those blond Russian models during the late 70s, I believe

7:03 BUSH why can’t he talk? Why is he stammering so much?

7:04 WALKER just finally, at long last, had a pretty decent and lucid statement about the economy.  He’s monotone and a little dull, but substantively he’s ok.

7:05 HUCKABEE has one eye on the streets, the other eye on the moderator

7:07 CHRISTIE shows he’s also capable of making a lucid, sober-minded statement about the economy.

Fair tax is a broad tax on consumption or a consumptive tax on broads?  Hey-o!

HUCKABEE sounds like a good preacher again.

CHRISTIE calls HUCKABEE to the mat on the “cut Congress pension” point.  Good talking point, doesn’t do crap in the long run.

HUCKABEE talks about “prostitutes, pimps, and drug dealers”, which was the ill-received sequel to Cher’s “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves”.

7:10 TRUMP finally responds to the bankruptcy question and raises a good point about how bankruptcy laws are used by many, many major corporations to their advantage.  Explains every company in Atlantic City went bankrupt.

7:13 RUBIO has a nice suit.

Mentions Dodd-Frank — now briefly explain what it is for the audience  (most people have no clue).

7:15 FIORINA responds intelligently to the Iran Deal question.  After listening to his answer, no wonder PERRY lost.

7:16 WALKER’s response about tying a yellow band around a tree was a good speech story, bad debate anecdote.

7:17 HUCKABEE’s popularity is in that “trust but verify, trust but vilify” dyad of commentary.  That right there.  That’s what makes him popular.  That’s it.

7:23 BUSH says he created a “culture of life” in his state.  I created a “culture of life” once when I spit in a petri dish.

7:24 RUBIO gives a decent abortion answer tying it back to the Constitution.

7:25 TRUMP responds at least logically to changing his positions over time.  Tie it to Reagan, personal experience, etc.

BUSH backs down from calling Trump an “a**hole”.  So why did you say it?

TRUMP: “we don’t have time for tone.  we have to go out and get the job done”.  that’s a great, great point.

7:29 KASICH “of course I would love [my gay daughter] and I would accept them,” good.  let’s end the conversation there.  the “how would you not support marriage if your daughter blah blah” stuff is so overwrought.

“God gives me unconditional love and I’m going to give it to my family and friends and people around me.” also well spoken.

WALKER says something about something, I don’t know, he fades into the wallpaper.  He looks like the Pokemon that evolves into Santorum.

7:36 TRUMP “I would say [Obama’s] incompetent but I won’t say that because it’s not nice.”

TRUMP agreeing with the shout from the audience is a highlight.

“If Iran was a stock right now you should buy it cuz it will quadruple” is the TRUMPiest statement ever uttered.

7:38 CRUZ has good words but sounds like a weenie.

7:40 CARSON is lovable but I’m falling asleep when he talks.

Fox pulled the debate from Sky News.  Owned by the same company.  Jesus.

CLOSING STATEMENTS

KASICH: I balanced the budget once.

CHRISTIE: My father was the first in his family to go to college.  I’m from Jersey.

RAND: I’ve been to many cities where black people live, end with slogan.

RUBIO: My family was born on the “island of Cuba” for you 7 people who didn’t know Cuba was an island, end with slogan.

CRUZ: Vote for me for Class President.  My father also left Cuba.

CARSON: I’m the only one to separate siamese twins. — yes he actually said that.  His half-a-brain line about Washington is the best one so far.  Where was this during the debate?

HUCKABEE: F*ck Trump, jk it’s about Hillary.

WALKER: I’m running for Class Treasurer.

BUSH: I don’t know when the primaries are.

TRUMP: “We can’t do anything right.”

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