The past year of living through a global panini has been absolutely exhausting for everyone, and we deserve a #WhiteBoySummer as compensation.
iconic
Part of this process has been getting vaccinated.
For starters – I’m not a needle person. I thought they were cool as a kid until my doctor thought I had leukemia (surprise! I was fine) and I had to get twice-weekly blood tests. Eventually I got bored and I asked the nurse to stick me in the top of my hand (ow) and after months and months, I grew to fear anything needle or syringe related (thank god I’ll never get into heroin).
cmon jesus, get outta my stash!
Needle-less to say, I slump over at blood tests and have to start singing Amazing Grace or repeatedly complimenting the nurse on her eyebrows to undergo any kind of medical treatment these days.
When I heard there was a DNA-based vaccine by Inovio that could be administered with a small laser pulse I was thrilled – no more needles!
Of course it’s stuck in clinical trial, and we’re stuck with good old fashioned stab jabbers by Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson, which sound like they could be the worst three drag queens in the business.
the vaccines showing up to offer us hope
I really didn’t want to get this vaccine until I absolutely had to and hopefully not ever. But when I found out my 93-year-old grandmother was able to get it, and to see the rest of my friends and family without getting a funeral home group rate I’ll need it, I decided to click through the link in the “please stop calling our office for god’s sake” email and sign up.
Sure enough, I got an appointment at The Forum in Inglewood, and off I went on my merry anxiety-filled way to get stabbed in a rapidly-gentrifying neighborhood.
A sea of cones awaited me in the parking lot. I pulled up, got my QR code scanned, and was flagged forward.
(bitches don’t know bout QR codes. see yours truly in a different lifetime talk about them, and click here to see the full vid with cameos by my dad, the one and only Atomic)
The jab itself wasn’t that bad, but the worst part was when they told us to pull forward in our cars and wait for “observation”. “If you feel any symptoms, put on your blinkers or beep your horn and we’ll come to you.” I joked “what if I just slump over the wheel?”
The joke did not land.
tough crowd, y’know
Other than some residual arm pain at the shot site and a metallic taste by the time I got to the 10 on-ramp, it didn’t seem like I got a shot at all. Neat!
The sweet nurses told me to return three weeks later for shot number two.
And return I did, even earlier this time so I was third in line, just in time for KCAL 9 news to run around shoving cameras in people’s faces asking if they were getting vaccinated today.
god can’t the paparazzi just let me LIVE
The second jab hurt even less than the first, my joke which I tried again didn’t land which hurt even more than the first time, and I was back on my dumb bitch way.
A friend in the medical field asked if I had any symptoms – apparently, the second dose can result in some feverishness but it differs from person to person.
Of course not, I said. I feel great!
never forget
Somewhere around 10PM while I was busy Minecrafting I noticed something was deeply off. Body aches set in. My head and eyes started hurting. My character in the game just sorta stood there as the pain set in.
POV: you asked a woman to make you a sandwich
I ordered some miso soup for dinner and went back to the game. “Maybe it’ll pass,” I thought. “The neighbors are having a party, I could stop by for a minute and say hi.”
It did not pass.
my immune system noticing something new
By midnight I had to call it quits. I’m usually the last one on, but I was dragging ass. A fever flared up. I needed to get into the bath.
When I went to get up, my entire body felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I slumped into the bathtub, shaking from fever and chills.
SAVE ME WHITNEY
The epsom salt bath helped alleviate at least the fever and some of the pain. American Dad played on the iPad in the background as I started reflecting on my life.
how many times was I kicked out of Club Habanos again?
At least it seemed like the worst was over. Exhaustion set in, it was 1:30 in the morning, and time for bed.
Things took a turn, and not for the better.
I don’t remember much of last night, but most of it was consumed by sweaty convulsions and yes, even tears. My body knew something was wrong and was gonna power through it, somehow, alone. I just wondered when this internal earthquake would stop.
By 9am I woke up, soaked, like I’d just gone on a two week bender with one hell of a hangover.
enough about Club Habanos
BCAAs have been my friend today as I slowly return to being human again.
I’m hoping this is the last of it, for all of us. This past year has stripped away so much of our humanity – the ability to talk, touch, travel, interact.
It’s depleted not just our energy, but our curiosity. We’ve turned inwards, and on ourselves, trying to find a way out.
Here’s hoping to less sweaty Saturday nights in the future.
my hot Saturday night