If you went to someone in 1992 and told them that the daughter of the Achy Breaky Heart singer would cause more controversy than a war or a government shutdown, you would’ve been burned as a heretic, and rightfully so.
But lo, it was a simpler time, and we should’ve known that any man who has the power to make a mullet temporarily fashionable has the power to rule the world.
Flash forward 21 years and “we can’t stop” talking about Miley Cyrus. *laughs at self, chokes on pretzel, keels over.*
(more on him in the next post)
And by “we” I don’t use the royal “we”, I really mean “you”.
Yes, you motherfuckers keep talking about this starving Eastern European teenage boy and now I have to divert attention I normally pay to which hotel soap I want to use for my nightly bath (certified organic basil) to this bizarre and unbecoming “lady”.
Forget the VMAs. Those weren’t controversial.
Me playing the fiddle with nothing but my genitalia on the Santa Monica Pier is controversial.
Dear parents: Miley danced on TV the same ways your young daughters have been dancing in middle school for over a decade. The only way they “left room for Jesus” is if they were running a train with a guy named Jesús.
I knew nothing good would come of BatBoy. Miley Cyrus brought upon the end of my Disney Channel watching when they kept running promos for this mysterious “Hannah Montana” figure as quality shows like That’s So Raven and The Famous Jett Jackson ended. (Conspiracy theory: Miley killed the Jett Jackson guy because she wanted to be ‘edgy’. Print that in your papers, W.R. Hearst!)
Is she a good role model?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
(Now that the government is shutdown and parks are closed, we may have to wait awhile on an answer to that one.)
Of course Miley Cyrus is a good role model—of what not to do. I think young girls are smart enough to realize that if you keep flashing your A-cups that people will think you stopped being ‘provocative’ and ‘sexy’ and started being ‘slutty’ and ‘herpes-plagued’.
Is that slut-shaming?
I sure hope it is.
So it was with this mindset combined with a metric shit-ton of articles across the Internet and commentators wringing their hands and scolding Miley that I chose to ignore the fuck out of her “Wrecking Ball” song.
Despite my hermetically-sealed world, an infiltrator arrived in the form of a best friend who played the damn song through my car auxiliary jack and didn’t tell me who it was (and didn’t answer my peppering of questions asking as much).
I guessed correctly one verse in but she didn’t fess up, like OJ taking off in the Bronco but claiming innocence all the way.
Like a weird German adult flick (how did Germans get this reputation, btw? I bet whatever’s left of Austro-Hungarians are also coprophiles, but I digress) you know where this is going.
I liked the song.
She doesn’t have much of a voice, but she really makes the most of her quarter-of-an-octave range and creates a song that’s strangely melodic. It’s the same feeling you get after watching ‘Das Scheiße’: strangely satisfied yet rotten inside.
Also: she trolled you idiots with the video. She made two: the one where she unsuccessfully attempts to make construction equipment sexy (Benny Benassi did a MUCH better job at that a decade ago) and this one which you haven’t seen.
Go watch it. Drop what you’re doing—cleaning the kitchen (reheating a Pop Tart) doing laundry (sniffing your thrice-worn sweats) homework (facebook) and sex (facebook) and just watch the damn video, will you please?
Don’t worry, I’ll wait *puts your laundry in your dishwasher, changes your facebook status to “fart”*
See? Wasn’t that better? Look at the views. Less than 5% of viewers of that video compared to the ball-humping extravaganza.
It’s like Supreme Court Justice Scalia writing a devastating dissent but getting notoriety for wiping his ass with it at the bench.
Here’s your takeaway lesson: people are gonna do what they’re gonna do and they’re not gonna apologize.
Scalia will defend the Constitution as it was written and doesn’t give a shit what you think.
Miley will shake her concave ass and straddle the progeny of the dad from Growing Pains.
And I’ll be Kickstarting my skin flute career on the Santa Monica Pier.
*the first decade of the 2000s, in a single photograph
*P.S. Wrecking Ball is about anal, right?