What Mean Girls and the Paleo diet have in common

For those of you who don’t know what the Paleo diet is (obviously you don’t have any friends who have no friends), it’s designed around you cutting out anything and everything that cavemen didn’t eat (because cavemen are renowned for their dietary prowess as well as their long lifespans).

I’ve written about it before (why Paleodes ripped off what I’ve been eating since I was in diapers and why Paleo dieting comes with a smug sense of self-superiority) but wait–there’s more!

RIP Billy Mays

What you don’t know is your Paleo friends (who have no friends) are taking pictures of the food you eat on Facebook, posting them in secret groups, and making fun of your dietary choices.

It’s like Mean Girls with unattractive people!

This one lady, Roxanne Freidenthal, slams her friend’s diet choices as “so f’n nasty” under the guise of trying to “help” her friend eat healthier.

Pretty sure if a doctor diagnosed your condition as “so f’n nasty”, or a therapist called your story about your childhood “so f’n nasty”, or even your BFF talked about your struggle with alcoholism as “so f’n nasty”, you’d find a new doctor, a new friend, and a new BFF not named Regina George.

When I offered that Roxanne (Regina) could really help her friend by sharing healthy recipes with her instead of preaching to her, she acted like I switched out her face cream for foot cream.

First she unleashed her attack dog friend (codename Gretchen Wieners, who yelped away and blocked me when I dared question–SOMEone clearly had to return her hoop earrings)

Then she came onto me and said “trolls get me hot”, which either means she was overheating from all the ketogenic foods she consumed (nasty side effect of the Paleo diet) or she has incredible anger issues and can’t take advice after…asking for it.  Shane Oman must have abandoned her in the projection room.

SHANE WEARS TIGHTYWHITIES LOL

But wait…there’s more!

this man was AMERICA

Roxanne proceeded to private message me (I know what you’re thinking…she wants the D) just to say the following:

I did get some later that night, but I appreciate her concern (is a threesome with two Asian girls called a “Coach Carter”?)

Her evidence of me being a “trolling doucheface” btw?

Taking a picture at Hooters with fries.

APOSTASY

Sounds like someone has been eating Kalteen bars and is craving some carbs.

So, for those of you at home, here’s a John Madden style replay of Roxanne Freidenthal’s Regina George-style antics:

  1. Woman judges friend for her diet.
  2. Woman asks for advice.
  3. I offer her non-judgmental advice.
  4. Woman flips out and calls me a troll.
  5. Woman stalks my profile photos.
  6. Woman judges me for my diet.

I’ve said before that Paleo is a cult that judges people based on the photos they take with food, and this is just another fun example.

Right this minute, one of your Paleo friends (with no friends) might be assembling a Burn Book of you with pictures of your favorite foods.

Do yourself a favor and defriend them. Catfish is paleo. Catfishing is not.

It’s no wonder everyone hates the Plastics.

your face when you realize Mean Girls was one giant catfish

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