By now, you’ve probably heard the breathless meme: Kern County Animal Shelter is shutting down and euthanizing all 700 animals. In fact, they’re killing every animal in a three mile radius. No creature with four legs will be spared, and they will likely shoot the secretary at the front too, along with any passersby and their extended families.
Contrary to popular belief and the chain email from ALL CAPS AUNT GLADYS, Bashar al-Assad is not running the shelter and the animals will not be killed—they’re simply moving to a different location.
In fact, they’ve even lowered the price of adoption to $15 for dogs and $5 for cats. Cheaper than a bag of IAMS or crack.
There’s a difference between animal lovers and “animal people”. Animal lovers see the meme above and ask friends to adopt. Animal people call for the immediate execution of the shelter owner and protest everything related to Kern County and Bakersfield (the cow fart market would plummet). Animal lovers walk their dogs and cats and pick up their poo. Animal people let their animals shit everywhere and plaster their publicly-viewed belongings (cars, backpacks, Trapper Keepers) in PeTA stickers.
Which reminds me—PeTA fucking sucks.
You think you’re saving animals by donating to PeTA because you saw Alicia Silverstone flash some tits and minge on a billboard? Wrong. PeTA is like the Westboro Baptist Church of the animal world—out to get your attention and distract from their real acts. It’s why you see PeTA and their supporters throwing fake blood on a celebrity wearing a fur coat then turn around and kill 92% of the animals that come into their grubby, murderous hands. In the same vein, you see Westboro Bap-tits supporters protesting military funerals with “God H8s Fags” posters and shouting down Taylor Swift concerts (in line behind her myriad exes) to hide from the fact that they’re one family of lawyers trying to draw attention to themselves and humblebrag that they and only they will get into heaven (excluding the few family members who managed to escape and be normal. And you thought YOUR family reunions were awkward with your drunk uncle, whore cousin, and Tommy’s “differently-ethnic” new girlfriend).
If you really care about animals—adopt one, like my buddy Thomas did. She’s a little Siberian Husky/German Shepherd mix and she cuddled peaceably in my lap on the ride home.
Which formed an interesting bookend to a week that saw me being bit in the leg by my great aunt’s douchebag German Shepherd.
It just goes to show—animals will be animals. People will not bite each other (for the most part, I still remember that girl who liked me biting me on the shoulder once and ending any potential dating future) because it’s socially unacceptable. Animals are unaware of social constructs like that but, on the flip side, can be helpful and loyal companions. You’d feel like an idiot for trying to teach your dog calculus in the same way you’d feel like an idiot for putting a human on a leash (unhinged helicopter moms to the white courtesy phone please. Psychologically-damaging bitches, white courtesy phone).
Essentially—animals are animals to animal lovers. They love them because they’re animals. Animals are people to animal people—probably because they’ve weirded away normal people in their life and need to substitute normal human interaction with cat children. Animals are easy to love. Animal people could do with a little bit of the “Kern County shelter treatment”.
*pictured above: me cuddling a real-life AMINAL