I was Paleo before Paleo was Paleo

I don’t know who these weirdos are who hijacked something called “a healthy diet” and called it Paleo. It’s like a bunch of cult members whose founder got arrested for fondling underage brides needed to find a new hobby.

This is and always has been my diet:

1) Avoid lots of processed foods.
2) Eat fresh stuff like fruits and veggies.
3) Meat is not the enemy. Eat diverse kinds of meats.
4) Sweets are treats.
5) Move around a lot for healthy living.

Simple, right?

As a result, I’ve never been out of shape or overweight or obese or childhood obese or suffered any negative health consequences.

It’s also easy to follow because eating fast foods or crappy foods don’t tend to make your tummy feel too good. A cake may look delicious, but eating half of it is not worth the cramps after.

damn you GLaDOS

Meanwhile, I’ve enjoyed the fact that while low-fat, high-fat, high-carb, low-carb, high-protein, and other ridiculous fad diets have come and go, I’ve found the trick to eating right.

Now re-read the five steps above.

Tape it to the fridge you open up too much and stare at, aimlessly, then close.  Tape it to your rearview mirror and run over your neighbor’s kids.  Tape it to the “Congratulations on your bridal shower, you need one, not a husband but a shower!” card you give your niece.  Tape it on your other niece.

Unfortunately, after Atkins died and everyone was all about whole grains and fiber and Jamie Lee Curtis poop yogurt (I feel she’s earning more from that gig than any of her Trading Places co-stars are these days), the environment was ripe for something.

Anything.

A movement.

And after we binged on all that probiotic macrobacterial eat-invisible-organisms crap, we did have a huge movement.

A huge bowel movement.

And Paleo was birthed.

The demographic? Crazy, bored housewives (this is so much better than re-Swiffering the living room for the 18th time today!) combined with Beta-who-desperately-wish-to-be-alpha males (come at me…uhhh…bra?)

Here’s their warped and wholly unscientific logic: our ancestors ate what they could forage for, like wild game and berries and such. Grain was not a staple good because they hadn’t settled down and become agricultural—and as soon as they did, it spelled DOOM. Our bodies were not designed to process gluten and it has caused every major health problem of the last 50 years, global warming, the obesity epidemic, 9/11, and rosacea.

The cult requires that its members eat a high fat, low carb, grain-free diet. It’s like Atkins, but for retards.

And don’t you dare deviate! Deviation will bring about stomach pain, cramps, angry cramps, Midol-untouchable cramps, fatigue, depression, chronic depression, the shits, and widespread condemnation (not necessarily in that order).

Celiac’s disease is a real disease that affects approximately 0.0000001% of the population.  It means you actually can’t process grains.  Not pretend-can’t-process, not “I think my tummy hurts or maybe that’s just gas”, it means you’re literally allergic to gluten.

The enormous majority of Paleodes (Paleo-chodes) are not.  It would be like if a bunch of people ran up to a kid in a wheelchair and claimed their legs hurt and they needed one too.

Like the shittiest transformer ever, this movement combined with two other movements: Crossfit (aerobics for people still stupid enough to buy toe-shoes) and the Gluten-Free diet (a diet originally for those with Celiac’s disease which has since been hijacked by stupid women who get diet advice from Gwyneth Paltrow).

laughing at your poverty!

Quickly, the movement has transformed from diet to lifestyle to cult.  Instead of miracles, there’s weight loss testimonials.  You’re coerced into getting other family members involved.  Any outsider is denigrated.  It even has its own bread and wine sacraments: kale and bacon.

Like with any movement where people with zero medical knowledge pretend to have endless medical knowledge, a lot of people are probably gonna die—which in this case, is a good thing.

Hopefully, like our cavemen ancestors, the weak and the stupid will be killed off, leaving only the strong and intelligent. After all, we need people to start the next fad diet in 5 years when they find out that, indeed, bacon kills you.