5 reasons why the solar system is disappointing

Every news organization is collectively masturbating over a “blood red” moon tonight during the lunar eclipse (one of FOUR over the next 1.5 years), which if you’ve read the Bible, (and I’ve read MINE *points to Gwyneth Paltrow’s cookbook*) then you know it means something bad, like locusts are going to come and bring doom to us all. Which is fine. I’ve had to trim trees before, and let me tell you, I could’ve used a smattering of locust. Would’ve made my job a helluva lot easier.

actual shot during the eclipse.  nailed it!

There’s something about the solar system everyone else seems to get that I just…don’t.

For instance, I love star projectors because they’re cool and they have shooting stars.

shut up and take my money

I dislike actual stars because they’re just not the same. Look, I know that in Ancient Egypt it was a real big deal because entertainment was light, but come on. We have flush toilets now and we can put as many damn stars as we want on our walls.

1) I can’t see them in a city
If I have to drive out to Bigguns, Montana to see something that’s right above me, it’s not worth seeing.

2) People who are into it, suck
I appreciate people who are knowledgeable at what they do. I even appreciate people who like stars.

I don’t appreciate people who hold you hostage while they point out a bunch of constellations with a telescope that costs more than a house. We get it, there’s the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, and the diphead who’s manipulating the magnification so I go blind.

3) Aliens
Aliens ruin everything. If they’re out there, then they’re doing a crappy job of showing themselves to us.  If they’re not, there’s more crazy people than I thought, because something like half of Americans believe in aliens with literally no evidence.

4) It’s affected by…clouds
That’s right. CLOUDS affect our ability to see the solar system. Drops of water, the same as the ones drooling from your lips now at the thought of a Waffle Taco, can prevent you from seeing every single star in the Universe. In no industry would a performer so delicate and so easy to ignore survive.

5) I can’t go there
I can go to the Bahamas, so it’s nice to see pictures of the Bahamas. I can go to Bigguns Montana and Madagascar and all the other cool places. I can’t go to the stars (yet, at least) and that makes me feel really kinda sad (and also concerned about, if I could, just how nauseous I would get on the trip).

So look, if I wanna see an Eclipse, I’ll go to a goddamn Mitsubishi dealership.

Until then, I’ll stick to the projector.

meh

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